


Hope

by some_fiction



Series: Vigilantes vs. Life [4]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Hellcat (Marvel Comics), Jessica Jones (TV), The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Break Up, Darecat, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, HellCat - Freeform, Matt as a dad, Mental Health Issues, Mommy Issues, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Personal Growth, Probably bad parenting..., Save Daredevil, Unplanned Pregnancy, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-10-02 03:44:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 55,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17256953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_fiction/pseuds/some_fiction
Summary: Welcome to the Darecat sobfest Jessica predicted, told in two timelines. Trish is pregnant with Matt's child and they need to think how they would have to change their vigilante lifestyle for this. Obviously, this leads to a whole bag of issues exploding for both of them...Treat it as an AU and you won't have to read anything else from the series. ;)





	1. The Beginning or the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this will work better if you have read either Punch or Kiss Him or With Great Power Comes Great Mental Illness, because it's the last story of this series, but it’s a completely different beast focusing on angsty and fluffy relationship moments, so if that's your thing feel free to jump in here. ;)  
> And I really am excited about every comment and I want to thank everyone who gave me a kudos on my previous stories. It really means a lot that you let me know you enjoyed them! I hope, you’ll come along on this probably last rollercoaster. :)

_In case you weren't interested in any of the previous stories or you forgot what happened, here's a recap:_

_This is set after the Defenders and before Jessica Jones season 2 and Daredevil season 3. Matt contacted Jessica from the convent to make sure Karen & Foggy are fine and she decided to get on his case, pull him out of his chosen misery. Instead of hiding and letting the Devil out Matt went along with it after some protest and because Karen was parked in Trish's apartment for safety reasons the radio host also got involved in the fight against Fisk. In the process she got injected with a substance that caused hellish migraines and later some mental powers (like moving stuff with her mind) that Matt reluctantly helped her master, because she's just as stubborn as him and also has a bit of a hero complex. Trish was also ridiculously attracted to him from the start, especially after she found out he's Daredevil, but that wasn't her only reason to help out. Eventually they got together, but when Trish almost drowned Matt felt responsible (of course…) and ran away to keep everyone out of his mess. However living alone on the streets Fisk's man soon found, kidnapped and tortured him, while also putting videos of that online to influence an election. Long story. This is more difficult to sum up than I thought… Jessica and Luke made a deal with a gangster called Lenny Morano to help them find Matt. Elektra did it first though and she got killed in front of his eyes and on camera. Trish then realised she had the ability to jump into people's heads when she dreams and she could talk to Matt, but to keep her from sacrificing herself as well he made her believe that she'd never be able to take Elektra's place in his life. She however found Matt with Vanessa's help and together with Jessica she was able to rescue him without anyone else dying, except for the man who was torturing him. But he was killed by Lenny who also turned on them in the end._

_Trish got Matt to realise that trying to do everything alone actually made things worse for all of them, so he finally stopped pushing her away and he told her that while Elektra dying for him (twice!) meant a lot to him, the idea of living on in their memory after a loved ones died did sound good, too._

_In part two Trish's powers started messing with her. She kept constantly visiting people's heads in her sleep and the lack of real rest made her hallucinate and constantly tired. Matt was concerned and they started fighting about it. Until she stabbed him accidentally, seeing someone else. Matt nearly died, but Shuri (from Black Panther) saved him, since she was working with him to get a drug problem in Hell's Kitchen under control. She also gave him something to help heal his scars, after Lenny found a video and a witness who could identify him by those scars as Daredevil. There was also a sex tape of him and Trish that Max, the man who exploited her as a teenager, threatened to leak in a desperate attempt to avoid prosecution for his crimes against women. Then he got killed and Trish was framed for it. She also tried to defend and explain herself in an interview that Matt interrupted in his mask to make people come to the conclusion that it was Daredevil in that video and to make everyone leave her alone. In the end someone who was there when Max got killed confessed and Matt represented him. During all this Jessica was pissed at them for investigating IGH and they even found out that the accident that killed her family was caused by someone with the same powers as Trish. She tried not to blame her however and her sister already wanted to give up her powers entirely after almost killing Matt accidentally, but Jessica told her instead to try and keep them. That finally made Trish agree to a method by Shuri that would reduce her powers to make them manageable again. We don't know yet if she can still move stuff with her mind, but she definitely still has very good reflexes. Matt also still has some trauma from the torture, but he doesn't want to talk about the abuse he suffered and that already led to a major breakdown as well where nobody was able to help him._

_I think those are the most important bits for this story. :) 60 chapters mostly summed up. So, here we go for the next 15 or so… (things might get out of hand again)_

 

* * *

 

 

“Jessica… Jessica… Jessica…” No, getting a call from that number is not freaking him out right about now. She never calls. This has to be it. He fumbles for his phone and as soon as he picks up a familiar voice tells him to get his ass over to the hospital.

Matt grabs his hoodie and just runs to get there as fast as possible, not bothering with acting blind this once. It's surprisingly difficult during the day, concentrating on not running into any of the people on the sidewalk, anticipating which direction they are going. At one point Matt almost collides with a streetlamp, because a guy suddenly turns around to walk back.

When he arrives he’s out of breath and Jess offers him a drink that he declines.

“Can I go in?”

“Not yet.”

“Did she ask for me?”

“She will.”

He buries his face in his hands in frustration, trying to make himself comfortable for a long wait. The smell of disease and death, the sound patients in pain and worried families are hard to block out. Now that he isn't running anymore he realises how cold it is and the metal chair he’s sitting on doesn't help. Noticing his shivering Jessica offers him her scarf and he takes it gratefully. 

“Still looks better on me, even when you don't cover your eyes with it like an asshole,” she remarks dryly and Matt chuckles at the memory.

He then tilts his head to hear what is going on right now, to focus on Trish and the people taking care of her. Blocking out all the horrible smell and noise of the hospital he smiles.

“She’s screaming at the doctor.”

“Of course she is.”

He also hears someone tell Trish that he’s there, but when asked if she wants to see him she says no, sending lots of colorful curses his way.

 

* * *

 

Jessica can't deal with Matt’s anxiety. She sees him listen hard to what is happening and trying to make sense of it. He can probably hear every comment the nurses make and he tries to make out if it's good or bad news. He tells her their heartbeats seem quite steady, so things are going okay she hopes. Matt keeps fumbling with her scarf, sometimes burying his nose or ears in it as well, making him look even weirder. But she doesn't comment, because she knows how much he hates hospitals and she can imagine that his senses are making this even more uncomfortable. Then he starts pacing up and down and that makes her uncomfortable. 

After a while of watching that Jess just wants him to stop, so she gets up and hugs the nervous wreck. He's shocked at first, then he wraps his arms around her, relaxing into it. They just stand there for a minute or two until he suddenly scrambles away and mumbles: “She called for me.”

 

* * *

 

Trish is in pure agony. But she prefers that to waiting, to knowing it will hurt again and thinking about how fucked up all this became. That's also why she declines the painkillers, for now.

In a weak moment she asks for him and immediately he’s by her side. She barely acknowledges him, too far gone to care. 

Everything is a blur. There is even a disturbing moment in which she feels a whiff of sympathy for her mother that she had to go through this, too, but then her anger is back immediately and with it comes agonizing pain. Then the painkillers are welcome after all.

Later she can't believe she survived this. A part of her just wants to sleep for a week, but she won't be able to do that. Trish won’t be able to get much sleep for a while, she assumes, but somehow right now she's just happy to not be in pain. She's glad that it is finally over.

She is vaguely aware of the hand she has been holding or rather crushing for what feels like an eternity and suddenly dread fills her. They haven't met since their official break-up. She knows he's there to offer anything she needs and she does want him to be a part of this somehow, but at the same time she doesn't want to rely on him. She just stares at Matt, lets go of his hand and doesn't know what to say. Trish sees him stretching his red fingers and for once she's pretty sure her pain was worse, letting out a scoff at which he raises an eyebrow. “Already feel good enough to be annoyed at me, I see.” He smirks, but she can tell that he’s nervous. 

“Fuck you, I've just been through hell.”

Then a nurse tabs his shoulder and he seems actually surprised this time as if he hadn't heard it coming. Bit overwhelmed, maybe?

“Here is your little girl.” With that the nurse gives him the creature that clawed itself out of her. At first she can't see her, so it's his reaction she takes in. There is something intense radiating from him, intense enough for her to still feel it with her reduced powers. Something she’s not able to pin down, but his face reflects joy mumbled up in conflict, regret and sadness. She really missed seeing that face, the little crinkles around his eyes and that bittersweet smile... Then suddenly she hates him for making this moment about him as well, like everything else. And for making it again more complicated than it needs to be.

“Let me see her, too.” It's a command, not a request.

“Of course.” He carefully lays their daughter in her arms and Trish supports her little head. What is she supposed to feel? “I’ll get Jess. I’ll wait outside until you’re ready to… I don't know… talk?”

“Yeah…. Alright. If that's okay with you...”

“Yeah, sure. I can tell you're not comfortable with me here.” No shit. “But whenever you need me…”

Matt waits by her side for a reaction and a part of her wants him to stay, but that would just lead to a fight again, because she's too emotional for this right now.

“Thanks.” She offers him a smile, too small for him to sense, but she's not able to give him more. And then he’s gone, tears gathering in his unfocused eyes, as well as hers. Shit.

 

* * *

 

 

Jessica grabs his arm as soon as he steps out of the room. “They are both okay.”

He really wants to get out of this noisy place. “Are you alright?”

“You're concerned about me right now?” 

Suddenly her arms are around him again. Who’d have thought that Jessica Jones is a hugger. “I know you better than you think, Murdock.” She steps away again. “Stay close. You should call Foggy and Karen or I will.” With that she leaves him to go and see Trish.

He slumps down on a chair, but instead of calling anyone he just sends both of them the address of the hospital. Then immediately adding that everyone is fine. Foggy is the first one to arrive. This time the hug is anticipated and he’s able to appreciate it more. To sink into the blessing comfort of his best friend who is also his law partner again.

It really should be a happy day and he feels guilty for not viewing it as such. It's just all so messed up and scary. Luckily his gloomy mood gets mostly ignored. Foggy seems worried for a second, but then he jumps on the cheer-Matt-up-train like a pro.

“Congratulations, buddy! You're a dad! Who would have thought you'd be the first of us!” They laugh, Matt with a tear in his eyes, but considerably less tension in the shoulders.

 

* * *

 

 

“I'm not gonna hold her, no.” Jessica tries to be polite about all this, but she’s not a fucking baby-cuddler. Hugging Matt - twice! - was already a bit of a stretch for her. The first time she just wanted him to stop moving around. The second time she feared that he was about to leave, because of something Trish said to him and was going to regret later. Not that she was blaming her. Still, in a way she could relate to him constantly messing up.

“Fuck, Jess, I'm so scared.”

All of them were, in a way. “Time to be a fucking hero then.” The pained expression at her teasing reminds Jessica that her sister is still raw and exhausted. She really needs some sincere reassurance. So, she lays a hand on her shoulder and smiles at her. “You'll be fine. She’ll be.”

“Thank you.” Trish sounds unsure, but there's nothing else Jessica can think of. Nothing that wouldn't be a lie. Because it is going to be tough, no doubt.

 

* * *

 

 

**Around 8 months earlier:**

 

“I'm pregnant.”

Jess spills most of her drink. “What?!”

“You heard right.” Trish just nods and lets this information sink in. 

“Does Matt know?” 

“Not yet.” But in about two weeks he’ll be able to hear a heartbeat, so she'll have to tell him soon. “I'm such an idiot. We haven't always been very careful and I guess at some point I just felt like we could risk it…”

“Shit, Trish.” Jessica shakes her head. “And what did Matt do…?”

“Well, I told him not to worry…” She hasn't been pregnant before and she wasn't always... careful.

“Oh my god. Are you sixteen…?!” Trish knows how it sounds. Maybe subconsciously she even wanted this, it's just something she'd never have admitted even to herself. But now she’s terrified. “What do you want to do now?”

That's the heavy question.

“We joked about all this last year and I'm pretty sure he wants kids, at some point. But certainly not this point, right? We haven't even officially moved in together, the press still thinks I'm single. I mean, things are going so well… This would change everything. We couldn't really… you know…” Run around saving Hell’s Kitchen with a baby at home? “I'm not sure we can actually do it.”

Jessica looks at her with a frown. “Do you want to have it?”

Trish hesitates. “I didn't think so, but hell yes! I'm just fucking scared that even if he wants it, too, I might have to raise the kid alone. Or he could end up having to do that.”

That’s when she sees a familiar jacket hurry out of the café and she freezes in shock.

“Oh, fuck! That was him! He heard.” Trish slams her head on the table. She had picked something far away from his office. What the hell was he doing there…?! And did he just run away? Oh shit.

Jessica swears and mutters: “Come back in, you freak. Don't be a coward now.”

What is she supposed to do now? Should she run after him? Explain why she didn’t tell him? Maybe it would be better to talk after he calmed down a little. Then the door opens and there he is, looking at them apparently dumbfounded. She gets up to stand next to the table nervously and he walks towards them slowly now, clearly just as unsure of what to do as she is. But he’s gathering her in his arms and she just holds onto him for maybe a minute.

“I’ll be a couple tables over if you need me.” Jessica excuses herself. 

“Thanks”, Trish mumbles.

He doesn't say anything until Jessica is out of earshot.

“I'm so sorry, Trish.” What the hell is he apologising for? She moves away.

“I was worried. I noticed you lied to me earlier and didn't know what to do. Seriously, I tried to stay away when I heard you talk to Jess on the phone, but I was freaking out, not knowing what was going on and-” She kisses him in relief that it was just him being there that he was sorry for and to stop his irritating rambling.

“It's okay. I'm not mad at you for stalking me this once.” She takes both his hands in hers. “To be honest I'm a bit relieved that I don't have to tell you anymore. But also terrified of this conversation.”

Matt swallows. “Me, too.”

“Let's sit.” She takes a seat expecting him to sit down at the opposite side of the table. But Matt just stands there.

“Can you maybe move over? I think… I would like to sit closer to you…” He blushes. God, she is an idiot. He can't see her face, of course he needs more contact. He usually does for the difficult parts and she doesn't want a barrier between them either. She hurries to make room for him. “Please, come here…”

He’s still hesitant. “Is that okay for you...?”

“Matt, fucking sit down already and take off the stupid glasses.” Trish laughs and that relaxes him a little bit.

“Sorry…” He chuckles at her outburst and sits down taking off his glasses immediately and her hand in his, where it belongs.

“How much did you hear…?”

“Enough.” He takes a deep breath. “I think I really need to process this before I say anything wrong.”

As freaked out as she is about this entire situation she can't help finding his awkwardness absolutely endearing. He is at a complete loss. But his first instinct is trying to reassure her and trying desperately not to screw it up.

“You can't say anything wrong… I think… Or you're not the man I've been practically living with for a year now.” She smiles. “Maybe we don't have to have this conversation right now.”

Matt kisses her then and she can feel him sigh against her lips. “You're amazing.”

“I know.” She laughs. Then she looks at his genuine smile and shining eyes. “You're happy.” It's true. She feels it as well. He’s terrified, but also incredibly happy. Wow.

“Look, I know this is a lot. You're right that we’re not there yet and that this could be dangerous. This is not something anyone should jump in and try wing it somehow, just because they want it.” She swallows, listening intently to every word of his. “And right now I really want this.” He kisses her knuckles then and smiles charmingly. “But we'll be responsible and talk this through. I won't put pressure on you in any way and I’ll support you no matter what decision you make. The choice is yours.”

“You’d be okay with… abortion?” She was worried about that. He is pretty religious after all.

“Your body, your choice. Simple as that. I'm not with the church on that one.” He smiles encouragingly.

She sighs. “Look at us. Considering to start a family… There is always adoption.”

“Yeah… sure. Just, not if it means orphanage.”

“Matt…” She considers reminding him that they can't all be bad. But she doesn't want to get into that now.

“Let's talk about this tonight. Go over some of the changes we would have to make to even think about keeping it.” 

“Sounds like a good plan.”

“And then we go out to make the city a better place for our potential offspring.” She laughs.

“We could be like the Incredibles.” He smiles like a loon.

“Without capes.” She loves how dorky he could be. Fuck, she loves everything about him and this will ruin some of those things. It’ll restrict their freedom and their lifestyle. “I won't be able to do this without you.”

He kisses her sweetly. “You won't need to. Whatever you do.” She doesn't even know anymore what she had against mushy romance before this man. Matt Murdock made it appealing. Suddenly it wasn't cheesy or boring, but thrilling.

If only she could skip ahead into the future and see if she's going to regret this. See if their kid will blame them for a horrible childhood. Another orphan living through another superhero origin story. Because those are almost never happy, are they? 

When she shares her thoughts with Matt, he shakes his head. “I don't know. I've made the experience that knowing something bad will happen doesn't always mean you're able to prevent it…” That's true. When someone saw him get stabbed in a vision it resulted in him going there in the first place. “Maybe it's better to take the obstacles as they come and not freak out over things that might happen one day…”

“I've never been able to enjoy a book if I don't know where it leads…”

“What's the point of reading it when you already know the conclusion?”

“I'm able to enjoy the journey there better? You talk to your priest. You also want some kind of hint that you're on the right track, right?”

Matt considers this for a moment. “That's not about the future. It's about doing the right thing.”

“No, but that's the same.” Trish shakes her head. “If I regret it and if my kid blames me for not waiting to be a mother until I'm ready, then I made the wrong choice.”

“Or you made the right choice and you just don't know, because the story isn't over yet. What if every choice has good and and bad consequences? You can't judge a book by a conclusion if you haven't read how it ends up there. It's like life. Our decisions and experiences form us. It's called maturing.” He chuckles and Trish wants to throw something at him, because it makes sense what he's saying.

“And what if I never know when the story is done? I don’t want one of those stupid, unsatisfying open endings… always wondering...”

“Why? They are full of potential… Do you prefer tragedies then?”

She shudders. “Maybe I prefer never ending soap operas…”

“Really? And then they just die one day, without anyone watching…?”

“Not, if they're good.”

He chuckles. “I'm not gonna let you get our kid into trash TV.”

“Hey!” Trish pouts and at the same time she's relieved that they're already back to joking  again when she was so anxious about this conversation before. Maybe this can be a good thing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just to clarify: I'll have the past and the present in every chapter. We'll find out what leads to the break up and and at the same time we'll find out what happens afterwards.
> 
> Happy New Year!


	2. The Name

**Now:**  

Trish can't see any bruises, but who knows what Matt is hiding under his hoodie or behind these annoying glasses. Only a beard would complete the homeless look he seems to be going for nowadays, but he can't exactly change his appearance that much without getting caught. There is just a small cut above his eyebrow and he seems so damn tense she doesn't need to consult her inner emotion detector to feel it. And despite all of that her stupid heartbeat goes a bit faster at the sight of him.

Since he doesn't dare to say anything, it's up to her to break the ice and she somehow resists doing it with an insult. “You're looking good.”

A bitter laugh escapes him, probably thinking that she must have meant the opposite. “Yeah, sure… So do you.”

For once it's a good thing that he can't really see her she thinks, rolling her eyes at the 'compliment'. They both are exhausted, but that never made him less attractive. She hates that his charm still works on her, that she still feels drawn to him after all this time. But she can't give in to those impulses anymore, because it doesn't lead anywhere good and she’s responsible for another human being now. They both are. To do this they will need some ground rules and there is just one way this can work.

“We are not getting back together. Don't get any ideas.”

“Of course not.” Does he have to accept that so easily? Of course he does. It shouldn't surprise her anymore. Always giving up when he should be fighting and fighting when he should be giving up.

But he is the father of her child and she needs a working relationship with him. She doesn't want to argue about every little thing, and that means not getting too close again.

“Let's try and be adults about this. We’ll decide everything that concerns her together. Beyond that I don't care what the fuck you're up to and you won't interfere in my life. Agreed?” Oh, she cares. She's still worrying about him constantly. Whenever his name comes up on the radio or TV her heart jumps like a traitor.

“Agreed.” 

“If I need your help with this, I'll let you know, send you a message.”

“Sure, just say the word.” She knows what he means. He’ll listen in and check on them. She thinks about calling him out on it and telling him to stay away, but she's too nervous about how she’ll manage that she ignores it. Knowing him to be close, might be a comfort she can't deny herself right now. And a tiny part of her is glad that he might be less certain to get hurt if he watches over them. Or listens…. or whatever.

“We have to decide on a name.” She has to start somewhere.

“I know. We talked about it before…" In what feels like another life now, one where they were happy. "I think we narrowed it down to two names for a girl. Alisa is nice, but to be honest, I don't think Jessica would appreciate us using the name of her mother. She did sound a little more pissed than usual when I suggested it. And I'm rather fond of Hope.” This time his smile looks genuine. 

Trish is more conflicted about this. It felt like a good idea back then, when they were still hopeful, but after she realised that their relationship wasn’t working out for either of them it left a bad taste in her mouth. The name seems to mock her for thinking they could make it. Then again looking at the child in her arms she desperately wishes that state of mind back, it would just turn out to be a little different. It could still work out for her child even if it didn't for them.

“I like it.” 

So they agree. Jessica sure would appreciate that one, wouldn't she?

“Can we let her decide later, what religion she wants to follow?” He knows, she doesn't want her to be raised as a Catholic. This is his idea of a compromise. His faith is important to him after all. 

“Or if she doesn't want to follow any old fashioned belief system and instead gets to her own conclusions about right and wrong…?”

“Sure… or that.” It's his time to be offended.

Actually, she enjoyed talking about his faith with him. Or rather his general philosophy that includes his confusing believe in the law and his thoughts on Thurgood Marshall. In fact, whenever she had a difficult decision to make she asked him for advice and he was always so good at putting her qualms into words and lay down his perspective for her.

And not once did she not like the way he sees things. While good and evil are quite clearcut for him, he genuinely believes in second chances and she'd be a fool to think religion had no influence on all of this. “I don't mind you having theological discussions with her or talk about ethics on some level. Just… don't treat it like it's the ultimate truth. I want her to believe in science and I don't want her to carry your annoying guilt issues with her.”

“You know that I don't want that either. Science and religion can go together, Trish. And there is also confession.”

“Yeah, sure… like that helps you.” She snorts.

“It does. A little bit.”

“If you say so…" Trish sighs, recalling all the times she had to explain to him that not everything that went wrong in the world somehow falls back on him. Then again, he's probably suffering from depression - not that he'd ever let a professional diagnose him - so maybe it's not all because of the Catholicism. "I think this I can live with.”

“Then there is one important thing left to decide. The last name. I honestly don't care. I think Hope Walker sounds great. Of course, it would be nice to have another Murdock, but it's your choice.” A tight smile and then a thin line. He's making a sacrifice again, isn't he?

She thought about that one, too, and already figured having a less famous surname would be better for Hope. She didn't even think of him having no family left, except for his mother. That makes it even easier. “Hope Murdock it is then.” She smiles when she sees how pleased he really is by that. “I don't want her to grow up under Patsy Walker’s shadow as well.”

“That's... that's smart. Thanks.”

She looks down at Hope sleeping in her arms. “I think we might be able to pull this off after all.”

Then she feels him sit down on the hospital bed carefully. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah.” But her heart betrays her and after looking at their girl for a few moments he sighs and he’s about to get up again when she stops him.

“Matt. Ignore my discomfort. It's fine. She is yours, too.” Hearing her words he does relax and so does she after a few moments. 

 

* * *

 

When Jessica goes to visit Trish in the hospital again she looks a bit better and the new mother fills her in on her first real conversation with Matt since they've become parents.

“You told him not to get any ideas? The father of your child and the guy you're still pining for...?”

“I’m not…” Trish avoids her gaze.

“You can't even finish that sentence.” Still in denial, then.

“I'm weak and he'll notice. But he respects my decisions, he'll not try anything if I make perfectly clear that I don't want him to. Hell, he used to look for a reason to end this. No matter what his senses suggest. And they might do a lot of suggesting… I can barely resist him on a good day.”

Jessica shakes her head. “This is a shitty idea. You're making both of you miserable.”

“Now it's my fault? You were the one always warning me that his relationships end in death and heartbreak.” 

“Yeah… I said don't get involved. Not make him fall for you and then just toss him aside, because he's not father material. He never was, Trish.”

“But I'm also not mother material. Between the two of us the kid would definitely get screwed up....” 

Jessica had actually told Matt once that they were making each other worse, that they've become even more reckless together. But that wasn't entirely true, because dating someone who's the same in some annoying way, also made them realise how difficult it was to deal with them sometimes. They showed each other a mirror which is why it worked. “A lot of parents aren't exactly parent material. You’ll learn. Do it together.”

“Jess, we wouldn't even have sex for a long time and that was a very solid foundation of our relationship.”

“Then your daughter will be that now." Trish gives her a look that says she can't believe her sister just said that. "Hey, I'm not for couples staying together because of the kids. That makes nobody happy, it's bullshit. But you staying separated, because of the kid is even more ridiculous.”

“It's not just for her, it's for me, alright? I have to be able to do this alone. If I rely on him and he's suddenly gone… saving someone… or hurt… or dead… I can't even help him right now.”

Trish shakes her head tears gathering in her eyes. “And when I needed space, he only proved just how toxic he can be. I'm not the most stable person and you expect me to raise a child with someone who's always on the brink of destroying himself and everything around him?”

“He won't if he knows you're there for him.”

“And I'll try to be. As a friend. But everything else is just too painful… I need to see him get his act together on his own. I can't force him to work on his issues and if we're together we'll just fight about it again....”

Jessica has a bit of an idea what Trish means. Her sister always bugged her about confronting her own shit. Of course, she'd do the same with Matt and he only became a good friend for Jessica so easily, because they wouldn't poke at each others wounds. She sighs deeply. “Fine. It's not like you ever listen to me. Can you tell me the name now at least?” 

“It’s Hope.” Trish smiles, probably expecting her sister to be pleased by their choice. But instead her eyes widen in alarm. “What….?”

“You named your child after a girl who was brainwashed to kill her parents?! What is wrong with you?” Jessica still remembers the scary look on Hope's face before she followed Kilgrave's orders. They did everything to save her, to prove that it wasn't her fault and in the end she killed herself so he couldn't use her life as leverage against Jessica. She sacrificed herself.

“Well…” Trish starts stammering. “We didn't do it because of THAT.”

After a minute Jessica agrees that it's a nice name and she even keeps herself from pointing out that she gave Matt's child the name of a fucking martyr. That kind of thing is probably why people don't mention the name before it was chosen. There is always some issue and it's none of her business. Still...

 

* * *

 

**Then:**

“I know you can't live without Daredevil and I don't want you to, but do you think you could maybe rearrange your priorities?” They finally have that very important talk three days after he originally suggested it. A kidnapping case came up and they both agreed it could wait until the child was safe. 

Matt still has the words of that strange man who helped them in his ear. "Don't give up on hope." Now both of them had a little time to think. However, it doesn't mean they know how to talk about it or what to say.

“I've rearranged my priorities since I met you.” The moment the words tumble out of his mouth and he hears himself say them he knows he is in trouble.

“In what way…?” 

She’s waiting for something stupid to roll off his tongue again and Matt thinks frantically. He has to choose his words wisely now. “I don't go out alone that much anymore, because I try to stick to your schedule.”

There. Not too bad, right?

“Well, I guess you can go and enjoy your alone time as the ‘protector of your city’ again after the birth…” She is definitely rolling her eyes at him.

“Trish, you know that I like to go with you, but-” He hesitates. “After the birth? You can't go out as Hellcat when you're pregnant. It's too dangerous.”

“What- many women work until they give birth…”

“Trish…” He sighs. “These women don't risk their lives and the baby could get hurt or worse-”

Trish gasps. “Shit, you're right.”

“And people would see that you're pregnant. The press would know…”

“Crap. They would notice if Hellcat isn't going with you as well… You think we could make Jessica fill in sometimes?”

He raises his eyebrows sceptically. “Do you think she would do that?” 

They both start laughing, picturing the grumpy PI in Trish’s outfit. Not in a million years.

“Maybe we can ask Colleen or Danny...” 

After a minute Trish sobers up and Matt takes her hand. “Tell me what you're worried about the most.”

“I need a lot from you, Matt. You can't expect me to figure out the baby stuff alone. If we do this - and that's a big if - I need to be sure that you’ll be there for me.”

How can he show her, that he's serious about this? “I will, I promise.”

“I know that you mean that now, but… What if a fire breaks out? I mean, I could never ask you to ignore a cry for help, or even let someone die…”

“I know, Trish…” He can tell that she’s spiralling again, painting out horror scenarios in her head. So, he pulls her into a hug, planting kisses along her hairline. “Ssssh… it's not going to be like that. It's not that there's constantly something happening. I promise, that I will also take care of the kid while you go and save people, alright?”

She gasps. “You would do that? Really?”

“If you trust me with that, sure. We’re in this together.” Matt chuckles. “I won't let you do all the difficult stuff alone. We’ll both be new to this. Taking actual responsibility for another human being... It’s big.”

He understands that - however difficult it is to fight organized crime - raising a child has its own challenges and he’s not exactly prepared for them. It's not like Stick taught him how to do that... 

“Yeah… it is. I’m starting to think being Hellcat is a piece of cake against that.”

It really is, at least for them. 

Starting a family really is a lot tougher for a couple with two careers and a very time consuming hobby. Matt even catches himself thinking that things really were easier when a father had a very specific role and knew what he had to do to be a “good” dad. Then he reminds himself that his own dad managed it all on his own just fine and he is only starting to understand what his mother must have been through. 

He really doesn't want Trish to carry all this pressure alone. If they do this, they will have to be a team, just like they have been fighting crime. Hellcat & Daredevil raising a child together... What could go wrong? Well, except everything.


	3. He's not better at this!

The first few days are horrible, but somehow she manages them without calling him. She barely sleeps, she barely gets anything done really and she is extremely exhausted when she finally falls into some kind of routine.

Jess tries to help out a little, but she isn’t much more maternal than Trish. Karen comes by every time she isn't head over heels into some story, which is rare. When the new mom realises however that her friend takes advice from Hope’s father and she tries to convince her to ask Matt for help she even throws Karen out of the apartment in a fit. She can do this. Others can, too. How hard can it be….?

Apparently very hard. So, when Hope has been screaming for two hours again and she runs out of ideas to calm her down she calls for Matt: “If you're out there listening, knock on my window. I won't rip your head off, promise.”

After five seconds she hears him knock. She looks at the balcony and sure enough he’s standing there, still in the hot but shitty black outfit she saw him wear as Daredevil last time and she can feel anger and anticipation build inside her. Opening the door she rolls her eyes, but it's none of her business, she agreed to that. Stepping inside he takes off the black cloth covering his eyes and since nobody can look into her windows from the outside.

“Any ideas?” 

He tries a couple of things, but without any luck, while Trish acts annoyed. However, seeing him fail as well is also a bit of a relief, she has to admit. When Hope falls asleep eventually, they both think it's more from pure exhaustion than anything else. After Trish gives him some water she asks him if he has anywhere he needs to be and he shakes his head. “I'm too tired now. Gonna head home.”

He doesn't look like he did get more sleep than her. His hair is a mess and he has dark circles under his eyes. “You can stay on the couch.”

Matt raises his eyebrows, clearly surprised. “Are you sure?”

“I wouldn't offer it otherwise.” Trish gives him a blanket without any comment. She was actually prepared for this eventuality, but the way he smiles when he accepts to stay still takes her by surprise.

In the middle of the night she wakes up and seeing him in her room she almost yells at him until she realises that he has Hope in his arms and is rocking her back to sleep. Since he doesn't notice that she woke up she pretends to sleep, slowing down her heartbeat and watching him. She learned that when they were together. Talking about this would mean they’d argue and Hope would start screaming again. After a while he gently lays her down and silently walks back to the couch. Apparently he wasn't exaggerating when he said he's a living baby phone and could deal with this as long as their baby wasn't hungry.

Why exactly did she break up with him again? Right now, she's tempted to think it doesn't matter. Then she remembers that he’s a liar who hides dangerous stuff from her and has a ridiculous lack of common sense.

The sun is falling on his sleeping shirtless form in the morning and she registers two new scars on his back. All the work they did to erase the scars with Shuri’s ointment seems to mean nothing now that he apparently keeps running around without much protection. Not that she’ll ever forget what he's been through. It not being visible won't change any of that. At least he won't be identified with these new scars and he’s probably lucky that there are only two considering what he's wearing. But, damn, his body is still as nice it was the last time she saw it. Not fair. Also: Did that asshole have to take his shirt off? He so did that on purpose...

After she had her morning coffee Hope is slowly waking up and he is on his feet immediately, bringing his daughter to her mother who is already on her way. “I think she is hungry.”

Trish takes the baby. “That would have been my first guess.” It was her second. Sometimes Hope cries just because she woke up and after her first weeks as a mom Trish can relate. Waking up can be a nightmare. Then again waking up to shirtless Matt isn't exactly horrible, despite the circumstances, but sadly that's not a view she can let herself linger on. “I still have some of your clothes. You know where.”

“Right, thanks.” He gives her some privacy so she can feed their girl and when she’s done he is already dressed for work and ready to leave. 

“Call me when you need me.”

“I've got this.” She smiles, but he doesn't.

“I'll get better at this. I promise.” 

She looks up, surprised at his words. And she is not very proud of the part of her that wants to scream at him: “I don't need you. I want to be better at this!” Instead she forces out: “You were just fine. Thank you.” 

He knows it's not really how she feels, but he lost his right to ask for the truth, so he just says goodbye and leaves her to her anger. And shit, another stupid part of her longs for him to come back. Then she notices his black Daredevil stuff is still in a corner and her heart flutters in relief. That means he’d have to wear the other one, the one that does a much better job of protecting him. Or he’d have to come back. Unless he has more of those useless outfits....

Damn. Jessica was right, she is kidding herself. This is actually a lot tougher than she thought it would be. She's not sure she can keep this up for long without kissing him again.

 

* * *

 

THEN:

Trish can feel Matt tense in her embrace and tilt his head like he always does when he hears something.

She’s about to get her armor when he says: “Just, wait a second....” 

It's way too early in her pregnancy to accept him going out alone, but he doesn't go for his armor either. Instead he picks up his phone and calls the police to tell them about a burglary.

When he is done he puts some loose hair behind her ear. “The next two weeks I’ll stick to calling the police.”

“You don't have to….”

“I want to. I want to show you that I can do this. Whenever I hear something I’ll just phone it in and stay with you.”

Trish is stunned by the gesture. How does he always know the right things to say? 

“And you’d really take care of the kid if I feel like I need to go out again?”

“If that's what you want, sure.”

All this somehow sounds too good to be true. She thinks he does seriously mean it, it's just that she can't really picture the reality going that smoothly. 

“It’s not like I don't trust you. But you know that we’ll be exhausted, that we’ll argue and that I don't even know what I want, most of the time.”

“All that matters is that we’ll try to figure it out together,” Matt tries to assure her.

And it makes her calm down for some reason, despite her insecurities. He’s been so great during all this so far that she’s starting to feel guilty for doubting him so much. It's a good plan, too, showing her like this that he can do it if he has to. That he can put her and a baby first. It's very thoughtful of him. 

Still, she also feels a bit guilty for keeping him to herself. “Let me know what you hear, though… Will they catch them?”

“I hope… but I hear the sirens already. I think they’ll be in time. We could just go out and watch a movie-” Trish presses her lips against his then. It's not like she missed the regular things couples do until now, but him making such an effort is so surprising and sweet that she suddenly finds the idea of a quiet evening alone with him all the more appealing. 

“How about take out and a movie here…?” Swiping some happy tear from her cheek - it's the pregnancy, right? The senseless crying? - Trish grins at him.

“Why not? Pick anything you'd like to see.”

“And if you lie down… I can maybe treat those scars on your back again.”

Matt hesitates for a moment, because he's not looking forward to that. After he agrees quietly they order Chinese food and browse their entertainment options for a while. He informs her that the burglars were all arrested without any casualties just before the food arrives. They start eating and Trish picks The Brawler to watch, a film about a boxer who’s up against an influential gangster, because the story sounds quite familiar. The criminal wants to ruin his career, especially after his own niece falls for the protagonist - a bit dramatic.

Halfway through the movie Trish wants to start with the treatment of his scars. Over the weeks she has regularly massaged that balm into his skin and Trish has realised that the procedure isn't very comfortable for Matt, especially with the scars on his back. But it has to be done, so criminals like Lenny Morano can't blackmail him into helping them again, because they have some evidence against Daredevil or ways to make his life even more difficult. 

Matt takes off his shirt reluctantly and he lies down on his stomach tensing up, when she starts to carefully apply the cold cream. As much as she normally likes touching him like that, she can only start enjoying it after he is able to relax a little. Hoping that that’ll be soon she smoothes his hair back to kiss his temple and he swallows, closing his eyes. 

She's aware of the tension slowly melting away when she makes her way down his spine while they are both listening - her sometimes watching - to the plot of the film. Then however comes the most tricky part of this. The first time she touched his butt cheeks, he scrambled away in a panic, clearly not expecting it, but there are some nasty scars there and they need attention, too. She always saves this for the end now and warns him before she gets there. Afterwards, when she’s done with all the scars, she usually keeps going and goes back to the places where he seems to welcome her hands and actually enjoys her touch.

She doesn't know why, but the love interest in the film can't talk - and no, it's not because she's busy appreciating her boyfriend’s fabulous body that she misses plot details like that. Shut up, that would be silly. She can feel those muscles on his back every time they have sex. The way they move under her hands...

Where is the story of the film again? Ah, right. So, the girlfriend is mute. Trish asked in the beginning if they should switch to a different film when she noticed, because for a blind man this would mean even more descriptions and things he would miss, but Matt said he was interested in the story and he joked rejecting a film because it has a disabled character in it would be weird for him.

Surprisingly for Trish that girl still somehow turns out to be the one to order the boxer around even without talking.“It's a shame that you can't see her acting. She's quite the firecracker…”

“I hear it. Sounds like she's hitting him a lot as well.” Matt smirks and of course he finds that a bit amusing. He always likes the fiery ones. 

“She actually has serious anger issues, but I think he can take it. I like that with her he’s really gentle and sweet, but he has also a bit of a temper.” Not unlike the man who is right now happily humming under her ministrations. Said temper gets the boxer in the movie into a mountain of trouble, of course and he finds himself in a dark world where corruption and violence rule. When he finally has to decide between staying with his wife and pursuing his dream of becoming a champion Trish and Matt both quiet down again and stop commenting, him listening to the narration while she watches it unfold, still softly stroking his back.

Matt doesn't say anything until the credits are finished. “It’s a good film. More realistic than I expected it to be...”

He turns around to face her and Trish lays down next to him watching his warm eyes flutter open again. “Do you think it's unrealistic? Us trying to... have it all?”

It seems they’ve reached a point in their relationship where they both have to give up a lot if they want to go further. And people who could fuck with their lives know their identities as well. She traces his jaw with her fingertips and then cups his face lovingly, while his arm is moving around her to pull her closer, until she can feel his breath on her when he speaks.

“I feel like together there's not much we can't do.” He pushes her on her back then and pulls up her leg making her gasp in surprise with his movements. Her hands are again stroking over his now barely visible scars and he shivers at the contact, but in a good way. 

Maybe it's just one of those things she has to believe in to make it work and Trish is determined to do so in this moment with his lips next to her ear whispering quiet reassurances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Brawler exists, but it's actually a foreign film with the original title Mukkabaaz from 2018 that is probably not available in a dubbed version. But let's ignore that. I read up on the story and watched a trailer and I just felt it was a good fit for this scene. ;)


	4. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably point out that the chapters vary in length. This one is longer, but splitting it up didn't work so well. Just a little warning. Have fun! :)

He must be doing something right, because Trish starts to ask for his help more and more, but it's like she's watching over everything he does which drives him insane. One time, she watches him change the diapers, pointing out every little thing he does wrong and he’s tempted to let her just do it herself. In the end he’s rewarded by a mumbled thanks and a rude shove to the side, so she can pick Hope up and put her back to bed.

The third time he changes the diapers he just tells her to leave and she looks at him as if he punched her in the gut and walks away.

She has just started cooking something when he walks back into the kitchen with a less smelly Hope, rocking her back to sleep.

“Are you making pizza now? It's 2am…”

He notices that she's using his favorite cheese and she even puts spinach on the dough, although she usually doesn't like that. “I didn't have anything myself all day. You want some, too, right? You look like you should eat more.”

It's true. He’s lost some weight. Watching over them did stress him out a little and during the day with the little sleep he gets, he sometimes has to skip a meal to get all the work done. “That's nice of you, but you don't need to…”

She sighs. “You’re going to make me say it, aren't you?”

“Say what?”

“I don't know what I'd do without you.” He’s dumbfounded for a second, because he kind of felt she was tolerating his incompetence to include him somehow in their daughter’s life. He barely registers her thanking him reluctantly. “At least, let me feed you a little for all the crap you have to put up with. You're still horrible at taking care of yourself.” 

This is an opportunity to jump on the old argument again, but the new information she just gave him is more interesting, actually. “Trish, I… I thought I was doing everything wrong… You know exactly what to do and I'm just going along with whatever you tell me...”

“Are you serious right now? I have no clue what I'm doing.” A desperate laugh escapes her. “Every time you take over you just do everything so easily and what am I doing then? I start correcting you. It's ridiculous. You’re doing so much for me and I fucking scold you for it, because it just shows what a failure of a mum I am.” She starts crying then and he really shouldn't do it, but he can't help taking her in his arms and comforting her. Maybe he'll get away with it this once.

“Trish, first of all: What the hell..?! You’re doing great!” She scoffs, but he can tell that she’s just too tired to argue with him on this. “You are. Trust me. I hear others have the same doubts all the time. I've been listening to them more consciously the last couple of months. Young couples struggling to make it work, mothers asking their parents for advice, sometimes even crying, because they feel like they can't handle it. I've also heard young dads despair when they are alone with their baby for the first time.” He starts to rub her back. “This is all completely normal. I promise.”

He can still smell the tears pouring out of her eyes. “If you say so…”

Having her in his arms again is so overwhelming that it's hard for him not to read into it. But he just can't. He’s also secretly relieved that her expectations from him are ridiculously low, but at the same time he really wants to be better for her and for Hope as well. “I know that you didn't want to depend on me for all this and that you want to be able to do this alone. But even now when we're doing this as friends… I want to be a father that you and Hope can rely on.” 

He risks kissing her hair then and she doesn't pull away. “So there's no need for you to feel grateful when I'm just doing my duty…”

She stiffens then and slowly frees herself from his embrace. “Did that come out wrong? It's not just out of duty… I really want to be there. I grew up without a mum and I even lost my dad later… I'm not going to take this for granted, okay?” 

She then quietly finishes the pizza and shoves it in the oven, still sniffing a little.

Then she drops the bombshell on him: “I'm still in love with you.” 

His breath catches, but the way she says it breaks his heart into a thousand pieces, like those feelings are a burden to her. And he doesn't know what to do about it. “I still love you and I hate you because of it. You're so fucking perfect one moment and the next…” She swallows. “I sometimes wonder why I didn't try harder. Every time you say something like that I curse myself for letting you go…”

“Trish…” If he takes one step towards her she takes two steps back.

“I keep telling myself that it would be different. But the truth is that I don't want you to be different. I don't want you to compromise. Even when you're reckless I can't help loving you for who you are and it's so damn annoying.”

He has no clue what she's telling him with all this, but maybe she doesn't know either. So, he just keeps listening, taking in every word and trying to understand what this means, waiting for her to come to him. He lets her cup his cheek and even leans into it out of habit. “I don't want you to change like I did. To give up so much, just because...”

“Just because I knocked you up…?!” He actually snaps at her for that thought. “Trish, what kind of man do you think I am? Do I seriously strike you as someone who runs from responsibility?”

“See, there's that word again. Responsibility, duty… this is something you got stuck with. You know, I wish sometimes that you’d also feel like you have to take care of yourself like that. Instead you make that my responsibility.” He rolls his eyes. “Yeah… now, you're annoyed. That's the Matt Murdock I'm talking about. Temperamental, passionate and reckless. Not a guy who runs on eggshells around the mother of his child, terrified to let her down.”

“I can still be passionate if that's what you want,” he growls and comes very close to kissing her. Their breaths mingle, but somehow he feels that she wouldn't appreciate him crossing that line right now, so he retreats. He had promised he wouldn't try anything. That's one promise he has to keep.

“Yeah… that's what I thought.” And he can see tears shining in her eyes again.

“What about you then? You can't be any of that again? Is that what you think? You take care of OUR child and I don't bother with it? Well, tough luck. I've got rights, you know?” Matt challenges her with a stare into nothing.

He can tell that she's pissed. It takes him waiting for the pizza to be ready and eating it together in silence to realise that in this entire conversation he didn't tell her once that he still fucking loves her, too. Maybe all that talk about duty and shit made her think he did everything just out of pure obligation. Nothing more. All this time he thought she wanted him to be responsible, but now…? She’s been doing most of this by herself and she looks like she hates it and is just too proud to admit it. Shit… he really screwed up tonight.

“Trish, I…”

“Please, Matt. I've got a headache from all the crying. Can you just leave me alone? Let's finish this conversation some other time.” She looks way too tired.

Reluctantly he gets up to leave. “Thank you for the pizza…”

Even from far away he hears her crying for half an hour, not sure if he's even able to help her like this.

 

* * *

 

Getting a call at 3am from Matt Murdock is never a good sign. Jessica groans before picking up. “Is anyone dying or did you just hold the baby wrong?”

“Um… I'm a bit lost at the moment and I might have to talk about feelings…”

What the fuck. This sounds even worse.

“Why didn't you call Foggy then…?”

“I need a lot of booze and a drinking partner who can handle it.”

She sighs. “Fine. Bring a bottle of good Whiskey then.”

“Let's make that two.”

Matt slumps down in the chair in front of her desk putting down two bottles when he arrives about half an hour later.

“Trish said she still loves me.”

“Um… that's not new.”

“Jess, she yells at me half the time and it seemed like she could hardly bear the sight of me…” Matt puts his head in his hands, leaning on the desk now while Jessica opens the first bottle for them and pushes a glass towards him.

“She’s just determined that she has to get over you.”

Matt lifts his head again and takes his glass. “I thought she already was for a long time. I've been trying to get over her as well and it's not working.”

“Did you tell her?”

“I thought it was obvious…”

Jessica seriously wants to punch the stupidity out of him sometimes. Sure, her sister could still sense people's emotions sometimes, but with Matt trying to accept the friendzone she put him in and his general habit of suppressing the feelings he can't deal with, he's not easy to read all the time. “Well, it is to me. But she doesn't want to see it. You need to tell her.”

“The thing is…” He licks his lips. “I've been fooling around a bit…?”

“You mean, fucking around?” Good call on the two Whiskey bottles, Jessica thinks. 

“You would call it that, I guess.”

“What would you call it…?”

“I may have been sleeping with some of the women I saved…”

“What do you mean with ‘some of the women’? You don't even know their names…? How many of them know who you are?”

“Well, I do keep the mask on.” He blushes furiously now and even Jessica is a bit freaked out by that information.

“That is weird even by your standards.”

It's not such a huge shocker after the way he’s been acting the past months.

He just shrugs. “They liked it that way…?”

Jessica snorts in disbelief. “Oh, I'm sure they did. She's not gonna like it though.”

“Better not tell her then?”

“Maybe not. You don't want to keep telling her that you ‘were on a break’...”

Matt laughs because he got that reference - Foggy used to watch Friends in college - and then he sighs, before he starts drinking from the bottle. “Shit, I really screwed up this time.”

“Yup.” Jessica pours in a second glass for her.

“I just felt like I already did.”

“Oh, you did. And apparently you keep doing it.” Jessica opens the second bottle. “Sometimes I think you just can't bear being happy.”

“That's not true. I really was and I tried everything to keep it that way. Lying didn't help, of course.”

“I know.” Jessica really does. She had heard Trish’s version of what happened and as much as she understands why she walked away she also gets why Matt did what he did. What happened after she left however… that's another story. 

“You can't put your own happiness completely in someone else's hands, Matt.”

“You always told me I have to let someone in.” It’s always all or nothing with this guy, isn't it? “Bit hypocritical, I might add....” 

“Yes, I said that, because I'm the same that way. I push people away, too. But you have a lot of friends. Foggy, Karen... me… You can't crawl back and hide from all of us when you think you might lose someone, especially when you're hurting.” He huffs and she doesn't have the guts to point out to him that all of his friends also make powerful enemies. He’s surrounded himself with people who are either foolish or incredibly brave and stubborn. Something could happen to one of them anytime and they all have their own shit to deal with. Hell, Jessica also needed some space from everyone sometimes. He just has a dangerous habit of going off the rails.

And in case Trish gets herself killed, Matt would have to be the one to take care of Hope. Jessica is starting to understand her sister’s reasoning better, now that she's talking to the man who’s the father of her kid. He still doesn't quite understand that he did exactly what Trish had been afraid of from the beginning. But maybe he’s finally getting there. He’s talking to her about it at least. It's never too late. Although she doesn't feel like she should be giving him any advice about any of this. But she understands.

And that's probably why she remembers that lying could make it much worse. Especially when it is about something that isn't exactly cheating. “Maybe it's better to be upfront about everything after all. She's gonna find out anyway, don't kid yourself.”

“Maybe you're right.”

After everything Trish has forgiven Matt so far, doing some weird shit when he was lonely and desperate shouldn't really be such a big deal and the guy is damn good at apologising. Being hard on himself is kind of his thing.

 

* * *

  

THEN:

Matt pretends to be perfectly fine with the situation and that confuses Trish more than anything, because she is worried. She doesn't want to have any deaths on her conscience, just because she wants to make sure the man she might be having a kid with would be around when she needs him.

So, she checks the news about all the crimes in Hell’s Kitchen the next couple of days. On day four she finds that there was a hostage situation where he didn't intervene and three people died. She remembers that he also was more tense than usual the day before. And after that she does something she never thought she’d do. She goes to church.

Trish has heard Matt talk about Father Lantom a lot and he seems to value his opinion. Maybe it's time for her to give this thing a try. She asks around for him and finally finds him in his office, where he offers her a latte after the first introduction. 

“Father, I'm not very religious, but there's something I need advice for and a... friend of mine seems to think highly of you…”

His eyes light up for a second like he already knows what's coming. “You're here because of Matthew.” He smiles warmly and her jaw almost drops.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Well, I would expect a non-believer to be send by the Devil usually.” He chuckles and Trish raises her eyebrows in surprise. Humor is not what she expected to find here. And then he adds with a twinkle in his eye: “I also might have heard a thing or two about you.”

Okay… So, she knows she can't exactly ask, but the pleased expression on his face actually excites her and she immediately gets why Matt seeks the approval of this man, if he is the representative of his religion to him.

“And I heard a lot about you.” Trish smiles. “I feel like I have to thank you for keeping him grounded. I know that you were the only one he could talk to sometimes.”

“There is no need to thank me. This is what I'm here for. And I have to say, I always enjoy the conversations we share and the complex questions he brings to me. I can tell you that much.”

She can imagine that offering guidance to the Devil of Hell's Kitchen might be a challenge for a priest, so it's probably good that he welcomes it. And now she also has a difficult dilemma of her own for him. “I'm sorry, I'm a bit new to this. But I know what he talks about with you is none of my business, so technically, you also can't tell him what I said, right?”

He nods, now suddenly serious. “That's right. We can talk about anything.”

Trish takes a deep breath then, before diving into it: “Okay, I don't know if he told you, but I'm pregnant and - before you say anything about that - we both would like to have the baby. However, before we can make that decision we want to be sure that we’re ready for it.” Once she starts talking she really can't stop, seeing him nod here and there. She’s pretty sure he knows about some of this, but she still lays down the entire situation for him.

“So, now I'm not sure about this. I appreciate what he's doing and I do need that reassurance that he can stay home if I need him. But right now I don't and I feel also guilty for enjoying that time with him while people might be needing our help…”

Father Lantom sighs. “For someone who isn't religious you seem to have set high moral standards for yourself.”

Trish laughs bitterly. “No offence, Father, but I do believe there are rotten people in the church. You don't want me to get into that…”

“I can't argue with that.” The priest shakes his head in frustration and sighs.

Knowing Matt might have changed Trish's opinion on religion slightly, but the church she's still very critical of. The systematic problems that aren't just ignored but also covered up make her furious. Still it's not Father Lantom's fault. She can't hold him responsible for what others do. “I'm sorry, that has nothing to do with it. I'm sure, you get that a lot.” 

“I don't actually, but I'm definitely aware of the problems we have to deal with. However, I don't have exceptional hearing, so I don't know what happens behind closed doors. So, I can't do anything about what I don't know. Do you get what I'm saying?” He offers her a smile.

“I think so." That he brings that issue back to her situation takes her by surprise. And it also strengthens her resolve that they can't just ignore the crimes out there. "But… well, I know things are happening. I ask him to tell me when he hears something and I check the paper the next day and… What if we could save lives?”

“You know, I thought about this a lot ever since he came to me.” He keeps stirring his latte while talking. “It is a huge burden, this responsibility he took on, but I can't imagine what it must be like, staying put, when you hear something and know you can do something about it. And here you are telling me that you feel the same way, when you can't hear any of it. Why do you ask him to tell you?”

Okay, why does she ask him? She feels guilty, probably. Is this Catholic Guilt thing rubbing off on her? “Maybe sometimes it's worse not knowing and imagining the worst?”

“Why do you, though?” Trish feels a bit like he's accusing her of something, before he goes on. “Why do you want to torture yourself with that knowledge?”

That's the second time, since she stepped into his office that the priest managed to confuse her. “What…?”

“The way I see it, he's trying to do something for you and you have an opportunity here to make him take the break, he’d never allow himself to have.” Father Lantom looks like he's pointing out something very obvious.

“Um… You’re right. I always kind of thought you're encouraging him…”

The priest actually chuckles. “I do, to some extent. However, it's not like the use of violence is a method we condone. I do think he really has a gift and I'm trying to help him use it with care. But that doesn't mean I don't see what it's doing to him.”

“Oh, trust me, I know what it's done to him. I've been telling him to talk to a professional. I mean, a doctor not a priest. Sorry…”

“I think, we're on the same page.” She never imagined the priest caring so much about Matt and now she even finds she has an accomplice in worrying about his mental health...

“So, should I just lean back and enjoy this? Let both of us catch a break?”

“Maybe. I don't think anyone would blame you. Least of all God. And congratulations, by the way.” He winks.

Trish laughs, by now pleasantly surprised with enjoying the priest’s company. “Father, we haven't decided about this yet and things could still go wrong…”

“A child is a blessing, Miss Walker. You've both done so much for this city, maybe it's the lord’s way of rewarding you two.”

“Nice try.” She smiles at him. “Well, I think, I have to go, but it was very nice to meet you. And thanks for listening...” 

“Anytime. I hope to see you here again.”

“I think you will.” And she means it as well, but now she really has to get going.

Trish doesn't know what she expected, but certainly not feeling less guilty about keeping Matt from his ‘calling’. Still, she's not sure she can switch her own worries off that easily.

 

* * *

 

After hearing the hostage situation go sideways Matt didn't get much sleep and he’s sure that Trish has noticed. Damn it, he can't even do this much for her. If he can't even do this for a couple of days how is he going to support her later when she really needs him? 

At least they won't have to worry about money with her celebrity status and he won't have to take any client just to earn for his family or something like that. He can still decide who he wants to defend. 

Matt actually surprised himself with how excited he was at first about the pregnancy. However, pretty soon the circumstances made him worry, too. With a gangster like Lenny Morano knowing their identities, it was very risky. They had a mutual agreement to keep the family out of it, but Lenny was not a man to be trusted, he should probably not try taking him down if his gang could retaliate.

But it's not just criminals he fears. It's his own track record of failures, too. He had the best intentions when he started the firm with Foggy and he blew it anyway. He was also careful not to screw things up by going too fast when he started dating Karen. And that blew up in his face as well, but she was too good for him and she didn't even know his dark side back then, so it was probably for the better.

He can't really blame Trish for fearing that he won't keep his promises, because with Karen being now one of her best friends she certainly told her some things. She has never expected much of him. Mostly it was this: Don't run away and don't get yourself killed. 

Sure, she does want him to talk about his feelings sometimes, but she doesn't push it and she seems to understand when there are things he doesn't want to talk about. At least so far. She suggested that he should consider talking to a therapist sometimes which Matt categorically refused. However, if she's concerned enough she'll surely bring it up again. Until then he just has to go through with what he suggested himself. The idea of sneaking out secretly at night is not that easy to get rid of, though.

After work he goes straight to Trish’s apartment and it smells like she ordered some food from his favorite takeout place. Matt smiles while he waits for her to open the door. 

What he doesn't expect is that she seems a little tense when she hugs him. “Hey, is something wrong?”

“No- well, I don't know. Come in first and we can eat while I tell you.” She leaves a kiss on his cheek telling him that it's nothing too urgent.

“Alright.”

After they are both sitting at the table with a nice meal Matt can't wait any longer. “Please tell me what's wrong, Trish.”

She takes another bite first preparing herself for the following conversation. That can't be good.

“I read about the hostages.”

Shit. She knows that he's struggling with this. “I know…” He puts his fork down.

“Matt, I honestly appreciate that you're trying this. But you're not the only one who has a bad conscience over it.”

With a surprised frown he keeps listening. “We can't let anyone die, because of this little experiment. We could have saved them, right?”

“Maybe. There's no guarantee…” What's happening here…?

“I don't want you to tell me what's happening in the city unless it bothers you. But I want you to tell me when you think we have to go. Just when there might we something too big for the police. I still can help and I want to.”

He really should not be that astonished. As much as Trish always tells Matt that he should be careful she always thought that what they do has to be done. Sure, they can't leave a baby home alone, but that doesn't mean that someone should suffer, because they want to practise for that. She wouldn't allow that.

“I think that's… yeah, maybe a good idea.” Then he adds: “Just when it's really necessary, though.”

“Of course.” Trish is probably fully aware how glad he is about her suggestion and they smile at each other. That night he phones two muggings in and feels much better about this arrangement, now that in terms of emergencies, he can go without having to justify it to her. And she'd come along as well.


	5. Anybody Else

NOW:

Trish can’t believe that she admitted she still loves him. It was one of the most embarrassing moments in her life, because she had to watch him trying hard not to hurt her feelings when rejecting her. 

Considerate asshole.

It's so fucking impossible to stay mad at him. She was the one who insisted on just being friends, after all. It was all her stupid idea and now she can't really blame him for friendzoning her right back. He started that trend in their relationship though. He had done it, in the very beginning when he still had silly notions of keeping her out of trouble. It's so frustrating getting back to that.

After her outburst last time and telling him about her feelings, she didn't want to accept his help again. She wanted to put some distance between them and calm down. But he kept offering and between the lines she read that he felt like he messed up somehow and she can't do that to him. It's not his fault that she can't deal.

Finally she has to accept one of his insistent offers to help and it's when she hear this voice message that she gives up fighting it: “Hey Trish, it's me again. I was wondering... Maybe you should start working again, get out for a bit. I could take care of Hope, you know? While you record a show...?” 

That would mean she wouldn't have to see him that much.

The people at the radio station did already ask if she's ready to come back. They suggested for her to just do an interview first on another show in which she talks about being a mom and all, but she refused that. It's been too much of an overwhelming experience for her and she doesn't want to accidentally barf out all her mommy issues in public. It's not like she doesn't love Hope. That tiny person is the centre of her world somehow in a way she never believed to be possible, but that's also why she can't bear all the crying, because her daughter appears to be hurting and she doesn't know why. Even the doctor says she's screaming a whole lot, but it appears that she is perfectly healthy. 

So, no parenting themed radio shows for Trish Walker. Especially when she's still not sure if she's even any better than her own mother at it. 

Matt keeps telling her she's doing great, though. And now he's here again listening to her instructions, so she can go and do an interview with a journalist who goes to war zones and reports on the shit society mostly doesn't give a damn about (or maybe people are just too busy raising children). She's seen some of his work, but she was barely able to read up on him. Hopefully the researchers can really help her out this time. She hates depending on them usually and she has made a point of reading up on her guests on her own as well. They rarely dig something up she didn't find, but they give her good summaries as well. And the additional information on the topics always help.

Just before she leaves the apartment, she hesitates and turns around once more to the father of her child, a relaxed smile showing up on his face. “I've got this.”

She’d really like to kiss him goodbye then. It feels just so unnatural not to do it.

Hope takes that moment as her cue to start crying again, of course. But Matt probably already heard it coming, because he just shrugs. “Go now, Trish. Or you never will.”

And she steps outside. After closing the door she listens to him hurrying back to their child. It's not easy to take that step. It's not like she doesn't trust him to be able to handle it. Over the past weeks Matt has been alone with Hope already a couple of times and it went well. But she was never gone for this long. 

While walking to her car she slowly realises that maybe Hope is not the problem. She's in safe hands, after all. The safest, to be honest. The problem is that she has started to forget who she is outside of her apartment. Patsy she doesn't miss, of course. She still flinches every time anyone calls her that. Trish Walker, radio host and fucked up celebrity also has become a bit of a joke after there was a sex tape with Daredevil and she was even arrested for murder. Her public life has been put on hold and that was a bit of a relief to be honest.

Trish has no illusions. She knows people are wondering about her relationship with Matt, ever since the media found out her daughter is a Murdock. Luckily, with him being blind noone made the connection to Daredevil so far and Lenny also kept his mouth shut. She gave a statement saying that Hope wasn't planned and they are raising her as friends. 

Hellcat she now hasn’t been for months and while she's looking forward to maybe reconnecting with that part of her eventually she somehow doesn't miss the rush of it. Maybe Hope just keeps her busy enough so far.

Before she enters the radio station she sends Matt a message asking if everything is going well. Within seconds she receives a confident “yes” in response and she finds the courage to want to be herself again: a radio host, who just happens to also be a mom now and might one day again be a vigilante... 

The office is very busy when she comes in and as people notice her they greet her with some amount of curiosity in their eyes. One of them welcomes her with a smirk: “I knew you'd come if we got you some blood and violence to talk about…”

Trish rolls her eyes with a soft smile. She missed her rude colleagues a little bit. “Nice to have you back, Trish. How’ve you been? Oh, we turned your slot into a boring lifestyle dumpster where every new stupid trend gets discussed and nothing of importance… Do you want to take over and save the shit show?”

The man raises his eyebrows. “How HAVE you been?”

Trish laughs bitterly while her assistant, Rob, takes her to her old office where her guest is already waiting for a little pre-recording chat. Shit. She’s not prepared for him right now. “Hi! I’m Griffin Sinclair.”

Shaking his hand Trish smiles. “Trish Walker. I guess, we’ll be talking about Syria?”

“Yemen, actually.” The journalist corrects her with a sympathetic expression. Nice, she’s already looking like an amateur. “Don't worry, we can talk Syria, too. Your team told me you didn't have much time to prepare. You just had a kid, it's not easy to get back to work.”

God, he’s nice about it. That's even more depressing. “Turns out, taking care of a baby kind of screwed with my ability to keep up with the news.”

“Don't worry about it.”

Rob - who’s clearly idolizing Sinclair - then fills her in on what they'll be discussing. The man wrote a book and she's supposed to talk to him about personal stuff as well, like dating when you're getting death threats over a story. (He’s not aware how much she can relate to that bit from her being Hellcat / dating Daredevil days.) After they've discussed everything a little bit she feels much better about jumping back in like that. But to take the pressure off she asks Rob to try and take part in the interview. His eyes widen in surprise, but he collects himself fast, jumping at the opportunity to ask his hero some questions on air.

And just before they enter the studio Sinclair asks Trish something she is still not prepared for: “Would you maybe go out with me some time?” He clearly notices her shocked expression. “I'm sorry! You don't have to answer now. Maybe after the interview. Or just forget that I asked if you feel that was unprofessional…”

Did she not make such a fool of herself after all? It's not like she really wants to date right now, but maybe this would be a good idea to finally get over Matt…

 

* * *

 

He listens to Trish Talk, while trying to soothe Hope and can't help feeling like there's some flirting going on there. Or they’re just being funny and playful. Matt isn’t sure. This Sinclair fellow is just her type, though. Tries to save the world, is a news hero and goes to dangerous places. A bit reckless, probably. That thought makes Matt snort. Try raising a kid with a guy who's always going to war zones. 

He switches the radio off when they start discussing what consequences his work has for his private life. Of course, Matt isn't the only one listening however and he repeatedly finds himself going back to it. Tuning back in, without wanting to.

Boohoo… death threats… Karen gets them, too. She says, as long as you openly talk about what you know they can't harm a reporter without making people suspicious. If anything, a threat is a tool to terrify and intimidate and it's actually a pretty good sign that this person won't go through with it. Or you'd already be dead. (When Karen says it like that he doesn't find it that comforting...) And what kind of asshole dates anyway when he could bring someone in danger? Okay, that's hypocritical, probably. Trish then, of course, points out that the women usually just have to know what they're getting into when they meet him and they can decide for themselves what they can deal with.

Is this where he screwed up? She gave him the same rules and he was so desperate to show that she shouldn't worry about any of this that he wasn't completely honest with her. If it's okay to date a guy like Griffin Sinclair - and what an obnoxious name, by the way - what really is the difference to him? He can at least defend himself. Okay, operating illegally means he could also get arrested and lead the police to her doorstep as well. So, there's that. But she knew all of that.

“Foggy… Foggy… Foggy…” Matt grabs his phone before Hope wakes up again from the noise.

“Hi Foggy, are you alright?” He walks into another room to talk.

“That's what I wanted to ask. How is it going?”

He chuckles quietly. “I know how to do this, Fog.”

“Yeah, sure. I just wanted to make sure that you know I need you tomorrow at 9. Difficult case. I wouldn't mind you making them feel uncomfortable with being your blind badass self.”

Matt sighs, because Foggy usually gets uncomfortable when his friend points out the apparent albeism in the room and uses it to his advantage, especially since his unusual abilities more than make up for his missing sight, at least in the practical sense. If he wants him to do it they must really be mean. “I’ll be there. Don't worry.”

“I'm not worried.” He even sounds like he means it. Has he started to really trust Matt again? With work? “You sound a bit tired, though. Are you sure you can make it? It's okay, to say you can't...”

Jesus, it's become a bit off putting the way his friends are afraid to put too much pressure on him. Even Trish does it… “It's fine Foggy I'll be there. I'll just go out for a bit after Trish comes back, but not for long.” He just needs to blow off some steam.

“Did something happen with Trish?”

Seriously, Foggy is too perceptive for his own good sometimes. He half thinks he should just lie to him. He still hasn't told his friend what she said last time he was there. But then the words just tumble out of his mouth: “She's flirting. On the show…”

“Oh Matty…” And then he ends up telling Foggy what she said and how he's trying to handle the situation. His friend scolds him for keeping his feelings to himself. But he doesn't know just how much he screwed up and Matt is too embarrassed to let him know about all of that. “Ok, Marcy wants something, but you gotta tell her, buddy. She needs to have all the information. You can't let her flirt and keep quiet.”

“Okay, maybe…" Probably not, though. "See you tomorrow.”

“No, I'll see you.” Foggy laughs and then his voice is gone.

The thing is that maybe this Sinclair guy would be better for her. If anything happens to him she’ll be fine.

Matt on the other hand…

One wrong move as Daredevil and his family might have to pay the price. He’s sure Trish can still defend herself, too. But what about Hope? She'll need their protection. And going by what Trish said she felt about him, it still didn't really sound like she wanted him to do something about it. Or at least he isn't too sure. She might have wanted it in that moment, but she could have regretted it later, if they had kissed then.

So, Matt isn't too sure if he should try to tell Trish what he's feeling when she's still so conflicted about him herself. Emotional, spontaneous Trish never was his enemy. He’s pretty sure he could make her give him another chance, but it's that other side of her who’s vary of him. It's the Trish who wants to do the right thing he needs to convince and that he won't achieve by manipulating her into it.

When Trish comes back she seems more relaxed than she has been in a long time. Immediately she checks on Hope, but she's content enough with his work. Their baby is alive and even sleeping. Then she takes him in.

“And you're okay, too? Did you hear anything?” He thinks she's talking about the radio show and dread fills him, but then she blushes and adds: “Any trouble in Hell’s Kitchen I mean...”

“Oh yeah… I called Colleen and she took care of it.” He hesitates. “How was your interview? Did you get along with the guy?”

“Not really. He's rather arrogant, to be honest.” 

And that's a lie. Matt takes this as a sign that he really should just go. She doesn't need any more confusion and that's what she'd get if he tells her how he feels. Because then he also has to admit what he's been up to in the mask and what he did with those women he saved. She would need to know what she's getting into again. That's what she said on the show as well...

“But it was nice getting back to work?”

“I think it really was.” She smiles. “Thank you. I really didn't realise how much I needed this. Do you think you could do it again next time?”

He smiles and nods. 

 

* * *

 

THEN:

It's a rather quiet night and the neon lights are humming, when suddenly Matt hears two groups of criminals preparing for a gang war. He tells Trish about it and she immediately goes to pick up her armor. She doesn't even argue when he asks her to stay back a bit. Since she's not able to move stuff with her mind anymore Trish now has become used to fighting those criminals up close and with a baby growing inside her - even when it's still early - she shouldn't take unnecessary risks.

And she doesn't. Trish sticks to watching his back and he warns her whenever someone approaches from behind. They fight together as if they’re one person with more arms and legs. It's exhilarating, but at the same time he can't help worrying about her more than he used to and that is very distracting. They haven't even decided if they want to keep the baby, it's still early enough that she could lose it, but the thought of something happening in one of these fights still terrifies him. Afterwards they watch from the roof as the police makes those arrests.

“One group belongs to the Moranos.” He should have known that Lenny would see their absence the last couple of days as a good sign to push for more power.

“Shit. You think he noticed that we didn't show up as much?”

“I'm not sure. How do you feel?” He concentrates on her body, searching for signs of an injury.

“Good. Barely a scratch on me.” She grins. “I can be careful, you know?”

“I know. It's just…” He lays his hand over her stomach, although there's nothing to feel or hear yet, especially through the material of her outfit. Her breath hitches at the gesture. 

She bites her lip nervously. “You know, before I met you I never wanted to have children.”

“I never even thought about it.”

She looks down at the officers in the street leading another man to a police car and rests her head on his shoulder. “Jessica and me we used to sit on a roof like this and watch movies together.”

He puts his arm around her and kisses her temple. “Sounds like fun.”

“It was the best. I never thought I'd be this happy with a guy, though.” Matt chuckles at the statement. “You know what I mean…”

“I don't actually. Should I be jealous….?”

“Well, sometimes I thought things would be easier if I was into girls.” 

“Huh… comforting...” Trish takes the hand on her stomach, pulls off both their gloves and then entangles them.

“No, I mean, this is nice. Us talking like this, doesn't feel like it’ll lead to sex… just chilling with the Devil.”

Matt smirks. “No more Daredevil fantasies you want to act out?” In the beginning of their relationship their vigilante activities were a big turn-on for Trish and he has to admit that tight costume she’s wearing did not help him resist her much...

“Well, not right now. You could change my mind though, if you want.”

Matt listens to her even heartbeat, he feels her fingertips tracing soft circles in his palm and the weight of her body leaning against his. The city is quiet again, so quiet that he thinks he might be able to hear a new and very tiny heart beating. But he could just as well be imagining it. “I'm good.” Really good actually.

But she suddenly sits up, her hand squeezing his a little to let him know that there's no need to be alert. “I just realized we never talked about names! We’re not having a child if you want to call it something obnoxious like ‘Thurgood’.”

Matt can't help laughing out loud at that idea. “What if I want to name a girl after Helen Keller?”

Trish makes a face. “I knew a Helen once. Hated her…”

He did already think about this seriously once or twice. “Well, I like Veronica for a girl and for a boy... Jack like my father.” 

Trish makes a show of exaggerated relief. “Okay those I can live with. We should go with Jack actually.”

Talking of names somehow makes the possibility of having a child that much more real and Matt can feel excitement and panic build up at the same time in the pit of his stomach.

“You know, there was this girl…” He can tell that Trish is watching the street again while speaking. “We tried to help her, Jessica and me, but she died. She was very brave. Her name was Hope.”

Matt can sense tears gathering in her eyes and he pulls her close, cupping one cheek with his hand and kissing the other, before he whispers in her ear: “I'm rather fond of Hope.”

He can feel the smile spread on her face.


	6. I Want You To Be Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the part where this fic starts to earn it's rating. So it gets quite smutty towards the end of the chapter in the flashback. If that's not your thing you can stop any time and just continue with the next chapter. You won't miss any big revelations or cliffhangers that way. ;)

NOW:

“I want to thank you for watching her sometimes.” 

Matt takes Hope in his arms carefully.

“It's not like you need me to watch her much. Stop making this bigger than it is.” He smiles at her sweetly making the next part that much harder to do.

“I'd like to ask you for another favor as well...” He must have noticed her accelerating heartbeat, because he tilts his head and doesn't say anything. “This guy asked me out and I was wondering if you could…”

She didn't expect him to feel that disappointed to be honest. Not after his lack of reaction when she revealed her feelings towards him. For a second she wants to take back her request, but then he quickly agrees. “Sure, sure. I want you to be happy, Trish. You deserve it.”

No sign of jealousy, no indication that he would like to change her mind. She had told him not to get any ideas, but she also quite recently told him that she still loves him. Obviously, she has no clue what to do and apparently he doesn’t want to challenge the nature of their relationship. 

Fine. Well, if he really wants her to be happy...

“I want you to be happy, too, Matt.” And for some reason she feels like she has to add: “You should also see someone…”

Actually, a small part of her is hoping that he’d say something like: ‘But I only want to see you.’ That part however must have read more into his gentle behaviour towards her and… oh shit. That look on his face now says everything and Trish is mortified. First she tells him she still loves him and then she just assumes that he hasn't moved on yet. He's quite easy on the eyes, if not his own, and there must be many women making passes at him. And he's a big flirt. It really shouldn't surprise her that he met someone else after all these months.

“Of course… You already do.” If her voice sounds that broken to her own ears, he must be aware how shattered she feels.

Hope chooses that moment to release a fart and they both make a face. Looks like her daughter is on her side, because this must smell ten times worse to someone like Matt.

She sees him swallow and cringe. “Actually… there were several already.”

Oh… right. She is such an idiot. Damn. “What was I thinking?” Did she say that out loud? Was she thinking that he’d wait around for her? She made perfectly clear that she was done with him, didn't she? And this explains why he didn't react when she told him. It was way too late.

“I'm sorry, I didn't know-”

“No, don't be silly! You have nothing to be sorry about.” She laughs awkwardly. “How many… like three..? Um… I'm sorry, it's none of my business.”

The deep blush on his face, that he tries to hide by looking down, tells her that it's probably more than three. Maybe much more. Oh, boy.

“Trish, I…”

“Hey, you don't owe me any explanations, Matt. Actually, this will make it easier, okay? It's what I wanted, right?”

“Right.” He looks just as frustrated as she feels in this stupid, stupid moment.

“Fine. I’ll have that date then.” Fuck, how can he still rip her heart out just like that, without actually intending to do so. At least he has the decency to look regretful about it a little bit. And if it was more than three women by now, when did he start dating again? Like, a week after they split up or something? Trish doesn't dare to ask. Maybe he wasn’t even dating and it's more random hook-ups? She’s not sure if that would make it better or worse.

 

* * *

 

His friend and law partner has been in a bad mood all day and unable to get a real smile out of him, Foggy of course can't keep silent any longer. Matt doesn't look injured or so tired that he’d fall asleep on the desk again and that probably means this problem might not be vigilante related, in which case he could be able to help. In a break between clients he shows up at Matt’s office door with two cups of coffee in his hands asking if he has a couple of minutes. The new dad sighs and leans back in his chair, motioning for Foggy to come in.

“Okay, buddy…. I see you brooding again. Talk to me. What's going on?”

Matt runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “Trish wants to start dating again.”

That dumbass. Of course, he didn't listen to his advice. “You still haven't told her how you feel?”

“That guy is probably better for her than I ever was. He's more reliable. And that is what she needs now. I shouldn't keep her from it.”

“Matt, you've changed!” How the hell can he convince him of this? “You've shown that you're there for her. You told me that she still loves you, too. And for what it's worth: I think you've become a better law partner as well.”

“Foggy, I can barely contribute because of Hope. And I was a complete mess months ago. You gave me the job, because you took pity on your friend…”

“That's not true.” Matt snorts and maybe he has to admit that his friend hasn't always looked like an asset for Nelson & Murdock and more like the problem that's gonna bring them down one day. “Yeah… okay, I wanted to help. But it's going well. And your abilities also bring some pretty unique advantages to the firm, like smelling a bluff before anyone else can. That is priceless in our profession.”

Matt has his head tilted, probably listening to Foggy's heartbeat to check if he really means it. Damn, it's annoying that he always has to stick to the truth. It made this so much harder to deal with sometimes. “Maybe, but that means nothing if you can't ever be sure that I’ll be there to use it…”

“But we now have that system you came up with where you contact me before doing anything stupid.” Foggy grins and takes a sip from his coffee while Matt thinks about what he’s telling him. “If I know what's at stake I feel better about covering for you and you did call the police or one of your Defender-buddies when I really needed you sometimes.”

“That was all Trish’s idea… It's what I agreed I'd do when we’d take care of Hope together. Before she left…” 

Foggy doesn't say anything. Matt hates it when his friend feels sorry for him. He even seems to prefer him pointing out his mistakes for some reason. When Trish left he was very bitter. He was blaming her for giving up so fast and Foggy was there for him, but they both knew that he did understand her decision better than anyone, even without knowing all the details. Still, not once did he say that out loud. He didn't have to. Not really.

Marcy was going on about it a lot, though. Of course, the whole issue caused trouble in his own relationship, too. He stopped running for DA after all, when he decided to go back to being the Nelson to Matt's Murdock. His girlfriend had enough reasons to be concerned. Foggy can't really hold it against her, but he can't regret it. Not when he gets to see his friend every day, not when he starts to see how he's been putting himself back together - for the better.

“She said that sometimes she wondered why she didn't try harder...” 

The look on Matt’s face says that he knows it wasn't really Trish who gave up first. Whatever happened, it was enough for him to doubt himself and he didn't need a friend back then to tear him down and show him a mirror. He needed the support of someone who knows how he ticks and believes in him. Matty needed to get back up on his own and understand where he went wrong by himself. The lectures never helped anyway.

And now that it's really starting to click, it's time to give him some hope. “She would give you another chance. Don't you see?”

Matt just shakes his head. “What's the point? I'll just disappoint her again.”

“What makes you think that? You didn't disappoint me again. In fact, I'm proud to call you my partner now.”

“But that's just because of her…”

“No, that's all you. You gave me the rules and you stuck to them. Sure, you found a loophole or two, but that’s just you being a fantastic lawyer, Matty.” Foggy leans forward and puts a hand over his friend’s nervously fumbling fingers. “I can't punish you for being good at your job.”

Matt closes his eyes. “I don't deserve you…”

“Could you stop that?! We don't all get what we deserve anyway." It always comes back to this. "I still don't get what makes you think that you deserve to be miserable and alone. You risk your life saving people, Matt. You're a hero. Okay?” 

The stunned look on his friend’s face makes Foggy elaborate: “I didn't say it much, because I'm always worried about you and I can't actively support that madness, but I always knew that in your messed up way you are just trying to do good. And you do. Even when I felt betrayed I would have trusted you with my life. If anyone should be happy, it's you.”

Matt looks moved by this statement, but then flinches again. “I've done some things I'm not proud of after Trish left. I'm the one who should have tried harder, not her.”

He is not going to deny that part, but Foggy has realised what Matt has been fighting with - in a less actiony sense of the word - all his life and he has come a long way. “Then why not try again now?”

“I think it's already too late.” 

“No, that's just an excuse and you know it. Don't be a coward. It doesn't suit you, buddy.”

Foggy smiles and stands up with the two empty cups. But before he has a chance to leave Matt alone with his thoughts his friend calls him back one more time. "Foggy? What about Marcy? Has she forgiven me for letting you ruin your career...?"

"That was my decision, Matt, and I think she's over it." She's getting there. Marcy is just worried about Foggy, it's not like she doesn't want Matt to get better.

 

* * *

 

THEN:

She slams the newspaper on his desk with so much force that Matt has to flinch. “What's wrong?”

He has a hunch what made Trish storm into his office after hours while he's working on a case alone.

“Yesterday. You said it was just one dealer. But it was more. Right?”

Ah… shit. He never knows what they report in the papers. Sometimes he can make entire drug rings flee Hell’s Kitchen and nobody takes notice, other times a small mugging becomes a big deal, because the victim loves telling people about the incident and completely blows it out of proportion. In this case however Matt had to fight a group of ten dealers and he told Trish it was just one after he came back, not expecting his lie to catch up with him.

“They weren't really dangerous. I think, some of them were even high and they didn't count…” He walks around the desk to stand in front of her and face her anger.

“They were ten! And they had guns!”

Talking in a soothing voice Matt hopes to calm her down. “I was never in any real danger. I promise. My armor protects me against bullets. A little scratch is all I walked away with.” He tries to kiss her temple, but she seems quite determined to be mad at him right now.

Okay, a change of strategy might be smart. Maybe he should just give her a taste of the truth. “The first three were standing outside the building, being on guard. I dropped down right in front of them and within two seconds I took them all out.” He walks forward and she moves back until she’s pressed against the wall.

Trish must be intently watching him, listening to his tale. “Are you saying the other seven were just as easy to care of for the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, then?”

It’s surprisingly easy to distract her like that sometimes. He knows her glare is more show now than anything, so he pushes the light switch next to her down and he can already sense her licking her lips. “I made sure they couldn't see anything first. Then I put their leader in a headlock and told them to drop the guns. That's when he scratched me.”

“Where…?” He takes her hand guides it to the small mark on his chin, the one she had definitely noticed before. Her fingers then move to his neck, where he can feel fer nails making contact with his skin and she pulls him even closer to kiss him on that injured spot.

Her lips slowly travel along his jawline all the way back to his ear and the sensation is electrifying. Then she whispers seductively: “And after that….?”

Seems like she's on board with his plan.

“I took care of all the weapons, made them shoot at each other even. The ones that were high on drugs, came at me first and were also the first to hit the floor.” He catches the hand that was starting to pull his shirt out of his pants and pins Trish against the wall attacking her neck with his lips.

She starts to moan, but then frees herself with a clever move that he taught her and grins. “You're not that scary in that lawyer uniform. Take it off.”

Well, he’s not gonna argue against that. As quickly as possible he gets rid of everything that makes him Matt Murdock and Trish also dresses down to her underwear, before shoving documents out of the way, sitting on the desk and pulling him against her.

He loves feeling her skin and even the fabric of her bra. It has always been silk with her. He’s not sure if that is just what she usually wears or if she does it for him, but he appreciates it either way and he rewards it by running his hands over every inch, before getting rid of it and replacing the fabric with his tongue.

Trish gasps at the sudden sensation and her nails dig a little deeper. “At least tell me you knew they were high before you went inside.” Why is she still talking about this?

“Of course, I knew.” His mouth lands on hers again, shutting her up like this and her tongue greets his enthusiastically. In search of friction Trish pulls him closer by the hips and a groan escapes him. Then he pulls back to add with a smirk: “Just like I know how fucking wet you are inside now.”

“What the fuck are you waiting for then? Come on in and smash me…” He can't believe she's giggling.

Trish helps him pull the fabric aside and for once, he's really happy there's no need to even bring up the topic of condoms anymore, because it's not like he stores them in the office and it would be near impossible to stop now. He pushes inside her with ease and waits for Trish to start moving. When she does he follows her rhythm while he feels one of her hands travel down to his ass. He’s pretty sure if she has a favorite body part of his that is probably it. To him picking favorites right now would be impossible, but the way her whole body shakes from a real good orgasm makes it all feel so much better, so he starts touching her to make her lose control even more.

Soon she picks up speed and his own thrusts start to get irregular. Matt changes their position just a little bit, so he can push deeper and harder inside her, until she finally reaches her climax and he follows her soon after. They hold each other for a long moment and then he kisses her forehead and pulls out carefully. He takes care of the mess and they get dressed quietly.

And because Matt is a stupid asshole he just can't let it go... “I think I have more marks from you now than from that fight with those idiots.” Why did he have to get back to it and make a joke? He had just successfully fucked them out of this argument and now he gives her an opening to get back into the metaphorical ring… and there's no sexual tension left to exploit.

Trish however - to his surprise - just smiles and adjusts his tie. “Let that be a lesson to you then. I can hurt you more."

Not a good lesson, though, since he enjoyed it quite a bit. She seems to realise that, too. "Don't lie to me again. I mean it, Matt. I can handle the truth.”

But somehow he finds that hard to believe, because he even finds it hard to face the truth sometimes...


	7. Patsy And The Wolf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't see Maggie on Daredevil before writing her in the last story and her and Matt still have a strained relationship here, because she hasn't been a fan of Trish and there's still a lot they never talked about. But I'm trying to bring the different versions together somehow.

On the second show since her return to the radio they ambush Trish with a familiar face from her past to push up the ratings. If she isn't talking about motherhood anything is free game apparently. Thank god Tatum is dead or they'd get that asshole in a room with her, she thinks, just to piss her off. So, it's fair to say Trish is not happy about the way things are run and it seems like she's losing control of her own show and staff if they think inviting Hedy Wolfe as a guest would be a good idea.

The moment she walks in with her high heels, perfect make-up and a dress that is a perfect blend of professional and hip, Trish feels insecure. She doesn't get to spent a lot of time on her look these days and people can already see her natural hair color. Luckily, since she's not on camera her exhausted look doesn't matter too much. It matters to herself, though, because Hedy sees it. Even when she is being polite, Trish knows it's all fake. She's just waiting for the penny to drop and it finally does when her former high school friend asks her if she's still in contact with Daredevil.

“Oh, I haven't seen him since that interview with Emma…”

“You mean the one where he frickin kissed you and practically jumped off your balcony proving that he was the real deal…?” She then imitates the threat Matt made towards his audience with a low voice: "Trish Walker is under my protection and whoever lays a finger on her is going to regret it." Her smug guest smirks and Trish has a bad feeling in her stomach that this is where she wanted the conversation to go all along.

“Yeah, he’s probably out there breaking some new hearts as we speak.” Trish chuckles, trying to sound as neutral as possible. Actually right now the guy might be busy taking care of their daughter’s poop for all she knows and she doubts he's dating anyone as Daredevil. That would be insane, even for him...

“Well, I ran into him some time ago…” 

Or maybe he just is that insane. Fuck, by the triumphant twinkle in her eyes, and remembering that he said that there were several women since they broke up, she has a horrifying suspicion that Hedy could have been one of those. Of all the women in town, please not her…! And she also has to wrap her head around the idea that he chatted her up dressed as a vigilante. Does Hedy know who he is?! He can't trust her! She might reveal his secret just to spite Trish...

At least her guest can't hear her heartbeat getting out of control. “And…?” Trish tries to sound curious and not alarmed.

“He’s cute. I was hoping you could tell him to give me a call…” Yeaaah, sure.

“You’re calling the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen cute?”

“I could use other words, but I don't think they'd be appropriate for your listeners, Trish.” They both laugh, as if they didn't hate each other.

That sneaky snake is trying to let Matt know she’s interested. On her show! “I'm sorry, I can't help you there. And there'd probably be a line of women asking me if I could.” Trish informs her begrudgingly.

“You’re probably right. But it was worth a try. I mean, I heard he’s generally been less shy lately. Not exactly disappearing after he saved someone…”

“What do you mean...?” How can this get worse?

“Oh, you didn't hear? You're not the only one who got to dance with the devil anymore, my friend. If you know what I mean.” And just like that all her suspicions are said out loud.

Can the ground swallow her up, maybe? Now, please? Trish somehow remembers that she still has to deny that it was Daredevil she was caught on camera with. “Um, Hedy, I never…”

“Save it for someone who believes it. I know you've always had the hots for heroes, Patsy.” And she fucking dares to wink at her. It requires all her self-control not to slam the woman's head onto the table.

Trish puts on a song as fast as she can and it takes a lot out of her not to scream at her guest as soon as the microphones are switched off.

“What the fuck, Hedy?! Did you come on the show to shame me about a fictional One-Night-Stand? Is that it?”

“Relax. I came here to shame you about ignoring your dying mother, but I'm not gonna do it on air. You should thank me for bringing up your claim to fame. I think I just gave you killer ratings after the snore fest last week.”

She knew that her mother was sick, but she doesn't care. Really, she doesn't. "You have no idea what my mother did.”

“Come on, I know everything. You told be everything when we were kids, remember? I remember all the whining, but you know what? Now I know Dorothy's side of the story.”

“Is that so?” Trish crosses her arms and glares, wishing she could shoot arrows with her eyes.

“Yeah… I'm taking care of her now. And you know what else? You were always depicting yourself as a victim, but nobody ever forced you to take drugs. I have no history of substance abuse, yet you're considered to be the nice one, because I write some mean comments about clothes on my blog.” Hedy snorts.

“Did she also tell you that she got me abducted and almost killed?”

“What?” Hedy looks shocked for a moment, but then she frowns disbelievingly. “You’re lying.”

“Believe what you want, Hedy, but Dorothy was working with Wilson Fisk. You can ask Jessica for proof.”

“Your adoptive sister was always eating your bullshit.” But Hedy doesn't look that convinced anymore. 

They finish the interview with Trish changing the topic to Hedy's supposed expertise: fashion. But the former "It's Patsy" co-stars still manage to hide some low blows in that conversation. They always did have a difficult relationship, but it used to be friendlier sometimes. Even the last time they met. Trish came to her to apologise for some of the shitty things she herself did or said when she was on drugs and Hedy back then surprised her with apologising, too. She even admitted that she had been jealous of the star of the show. It felt like closure.

But the moment she saw her cold smile again she knew the fight was back on and she should have known that Dorothy had something to do with it. Maybe she should have visited her mother once, but she can't bring herself to do it and now she feels even less inclined.

Before leaving the station Hedy Wolfe looks back at her, all arrogant and judgemental. "She told me that I was the daughter she never had. Turns out even when you are clean that you're still a terrible person, Trish, and some day you will realise that there won't be anyone left to forgive you."

When she's gone Trish’s thoughts go back to that throwaway comment about Daredevil getting around with the ladies and googling it in her office she does find a page that's collecting Daredevil encounters and at some point the accounts have become more and more of a sexual nature. 

A few of them she can make out as blatant lies (and absurdly pornographic...), some could just be written badly, others however do sound like Matt. In these slightly saner ones the people who say they had sex with him said he only did it with them when they were blindfolded or he kept everything including the mask on and switched the lights off. And she finds herself believing some of them. 

It would explain a lot actually. The way that he acts embarrassed about moving on, when it sometimes appears that he’s not really over her. The fact that he never tells her the name of a woman he’s “dating” or the way he still seems to be so fucking lonely.

She can barely look at him when she returns home an hour later than planned.

“I just hope you use condoms”, is all she tells him.

When he quietly - barely audible for her - says that he does, it's the last confirmation she needs and it gets her mind reeling again.

"Don't trust Hedy, she just wants to get to me. She's using you." They all are in a way, but it's not like he is innocent in all this. 

He’s been using his secret identity to fuck around and Trish is pissed that he lets them - especially Hedy! - take advantage of him like that. What also hurts quite a bit: If the accounts are true, then he does things with them he never asked her to do and it sounds like he enjoys those things. It makes her sick for some reason. That she has to read on the internet what her ex-boyfriend might be into and what he never shared with her and is ready to share with complete strangers. 

And the worst part is, she doesn't know which ones are true, but some of the descriptions are so detailed she couldn't help producing inappropriate pictures in her head. She shouldn't have read them. Not the one about the threesome with a young and eager couple and especially not the ones that brought back memories of those horrible videos. 

He wouldn't be stupid enough to ask them to tie him up like that, right? That must be people's imagination going wild. She can only hope. "None of my business" is her mantra, but it's not helping her get some much needed sleep tonight.

 

* * *

 

THEN:

To say that Maggie was glad her son told her he'd come by to introduce her to his girlfriend would be an understatement. But the last time they spoke about that woman she had been a little unfair maybe and now it feels like this meeting is more about Trish Walker's acceptance of her than the other way around. Fate can be a funny thing.

The moment they arrive she greets them as friendly as possible without exaggerating it and she tries to keep an open mind. As soon as they're seated with coffee and the cake that they brought she smiles at the new face. "So, you're the woman who makes my boy happy."

Said woman looks nervous as well which Maggie can sympathise with. "I sure hope so. I'm glad to finally meet you. Matt told me so much about you!"

She can guess that he didn't only tell her good things, since he has arranged this after they've been together for a year. Looks like he hasn't been eager exactly. "He only told me good things about you." Maggie tries to assure her son's girlfriend and Matthew looks relieved. She's not her enemy and it's basically the truth. He did defend her the one time she came up in one of their rare conversations. 

But of course, Maggie was curious about Trish, so she did dig up some articles and what she found wasn't exactly more encouraging. Apart from the whole sex tape affair and being a murder suspect, she apparently was a drug addict as well and she's very close to her sister Jessica Jones who didn't leave the best impression when she was found naked in Matthew's bed and then dragged him out of the convent while he still needed to heal. 

She knows her son has a lot of respect for these women, but he doesn't seem like the best judge of character when it comes to the opposite sex. His best friend Foggy Nelson is a sweetheart, she has to admit. At least that was her impression from the one time they met. But listening to Trish Talk did change Maggie's mind to some extent and then she also saw Walker visiting Father Lantom and when she asked him about her, he smiled.

They chat quite easily for a while and it goes rather well, she thinks, but she has a feeling that there is more behind all this. "As happy as I am that we finally get together like this, there must be a reason for it."

Trish shoots a worried glance at her blind son and he clears his throat before getting into it. "The thing is... we need to make a decision and I thought it might be a good idea to talk to you about it-"

"I'm pregnant." Matthew sighs and takes his girlfriend's hand in his.

Maggie doesn't know what to say for a second and suddenly it seems like the atmosphere changed. Did they come for advice? From her? For approval? She smiles. "Are congratulations in order? I want to be supportive, but I don't know what you need from me here... and I don't want to assume anything..."

Trish is apparently the one who really wants to talk about this, while Matthew holds back. Looks like he didn't tell her what she said about her the last time. "We wanted to have it at first, but you know what we've been doing in our free time and I'm just not sure if we're ready for it..." Is she working with him as Daredevil?

While listening to the woman's doubts who's carrying her potential grandchild (!) she stares at her son disbelievingly. He just shrugs like he knows that she's shocked, but he didn't have a say in this and apparently he doesn't care what she thinks. Wow. 

"Hang on..." This is a lot to take in and she's not even thinking about the pregnancy situation here. Suddenly things start to fall into place and she starts to understand why this celebrity is making him happy. She's the same. "You're that Hellcat person."

Trish now stares at Matt who tries to look innocent. "Seriously, Matt, what exactly did you tell your mother about me?"

Good question. They both look at him. "Well, she's not a fan of me trying to help people..."

"It's not the helping part I have a problem with", Maggie points out.

"Did you lie to her, too...?" Now that's an interesting accusation.

"Actually, I was the one who's been lying to him, before he overheard me talking to Father Lantom and refering to him as my son..." He sighs and shakes his head. "The truth is that he hasn't told me much, because we are barely on speaking terms. I lost my right to know personal things like that. But somehow, now it seems he felt like we could change that. He should have told you, though."

"I didn't know how to bring it up. She was just informed that her own mother has cancer and they don't have the best relationship..." Trish snorts at that, like it's a huge understatement.

"So, that's why you introduced us. To see if you're child will have a supportive grandmother." Matthew stands up, but she tries to stop him. "No, wait!"

He hesitates and Trish now just stares at her in confusion. "Obviously, he loves you." That statement makes him stay put at least. "And I can't say I wasn't pleased when I heard that someone is helping him while he's out there risking his life."

She can see a grateful smile form on Trish's lips, so she feels almost bad that she is going to have to be honest with her. "But I don't know you. I can't give you any advice, nor do I want to judge you for any decision you're going to take. Things haven't been easy for me when I had my Matthew and I'm not proud of the fact that I abandoned him in fear of hurting him. I just thought it was for the best. But I gave him his life and then I left him alone to live in it." She sees a tear roll down Trish's cheek while her son stands still as a statue, taking it all in.

"You both have to believe me that I want to make up for all the pain I may have caused him. So, whatever you need, I want to be there for you and I want to help as much as I can." She smiles sadly, not sure if she just lost her son forever by being straight with Trish, but this is all she can give.

Matthew nods with furrowed brows, still a bit tense and rasps out a broken "thank you". Then he turns his head in Trish's direction and probably waits for her to say something.

The radio host appears to be quite speechless, but she decides to get up and shake her hand gratefully. "My experience has been quite different from Matthew's and maybe that's why I can understand a little better what you've been trying to do. You see, my mother exploited, abused me and almost got me killed." That last statement makes Maggie wince. "I wish she had been more like you. So, thank you. Really, it means a lot."

Maggie doesn't trust her own eyes then when she sees Matt tear up as well. He slowly moves forward and then even hugs her, for the first time since he has come to know who she is. In that moment she decides that she rather likes this girl and she mouths a silent "thank you" to her.

 

* * *

 

"Okay, that was..."

"... a little intense?" Trish quips, her voice a little higher than usual.

Standing outside the convent they're now both emotionally exhausted and Matt feels like an idiot for not seeing this coming, for thinking this wouldn't be such a big deal for him. "I think I owe you an apology. I should have been more open, I guess. To her and to you. I really didn't think this through..."

Trish actually chuckles while she's trying to dry her tears. "If you had thought this through, you never would have introduced us and I'm glad you did."

He is not so sure that he is glad about this, though. Sure, some of the results were surprisingly pleasant, it felt like closure and some knots inside him untangling in a way. But that was all the drama he can take for a week and he's not so sure anymore if Trish and his mother getting along is a good thing. They might end up teaming up on him to talk about every little itch that bugs him.

"I need a drink. I think, Foggy, Marcy and Karen are meeting at Josie's tonight and we could also make it there just in time. I know this sucks for you, but would you mind coming along anyway?"

"No, it's fine. You're cute, when you're drunk actually. And you're gonna need me to carry your ass back home." She kisses his cheek and pretends to guide him to the car.

Josie's was a good idea. As soon they sit at the table with their friends the tension leaves his body. 

"You look like shit." Foggy puts a hand on his shoulder in sympathy. "I'm guessing that visiting your mom didn't go so well?"

"Yeah... I kind of forgot that she saw me at my worst and now she probably scared the shit out of Trish who thought at least one of us had a working relationship with a living parent. Cheers!" He tries to ignore how everyone probably stares while he's drinking.

Marcy then shoves her beer towards him when he puts his glass down. "I think you need this more than me."

"Actually, I think it went fine." Trish decides to correct him and declares with shitload amount of barely restraint humour in her voice: "Matt's just a bit mad that he had to talk about feelings and shit. In fact, if today changed anything then only that I love him so much more." She's now clinging to his side and kissing his blushing cheek, apparently basking in his humiliation.

And that of course makes Karen mock him. "Ooooh... careful, Murdock. If you keep this up, you might end up becoming a functional human being."

"Yeah, right. Make fun of the poor blind guy", Matt mumbles. But after they change the topic, Trish quietly asks him if she went too far with the joke, so he pulls her close and smiles warmly, letting her know that he's more than fine with it.

Later in bed Trish is lying in his arms and he can tell she's going to start a conversation by the nervous - still pretty quick - drumming of her heart. "I think I've made up my mind." He swallows. "But it's important to me that you agree with me and if you don't, you have to tell me honestly."

"I will. What is it?"

"I think, we're ready. Or as ready as we can be." 

Maybe it's the confident tone of her voice, maybe it's the alcohol in his body, maybe it's the fact that for the first time in years he can feel the value of a family that's actually his blood, when Foggy has been all he ever thought he really needed. But in that moment there is no doubt in his mind that he is ready to be a father and to put this responsibility first. So has says: "I think so, too."

She makes a point of kissing him then, while hugging him close and making him feel that everything is going to be fine.

"And just so you know: I'm not holding you to this, I'll remind you tomorrow when you're sober. You still have a couple of days to change my mind, but I'm all in and the longer you wait if you have any serious doubts, the harder it's gonna be for me to give this up." And it's that last thought that stays with him until he finally falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hedy Wolfe is a character out of the Hellcat / Patsy Walker comics and I decided she'd be a good fit to stir some things up. I read up on her online and liked that plotline with her and Dorothy. But this is my version of it, so it might end differently.


	8. Living As Matt Murdock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for the "now" part of this chapter: There's a suicide attempt in it. Nothing graphic, but I don't want to upset anyone. You can ask what happens in the comments if you're unsure about reading and I'd be happy to sum it up as well. Our hero just has a very casual approach to it, so I want to be sure not to take this lightly. But this won't shock anyone who watched season 3 of the show...

Matt did know that once Trish found out about him having sex with random women as Daredevil, she’d be pissed, but he kind of expected her to yell at him, to blame him for not fighting enough for her. Instead she just seemed resigned and probably a little disturbed by it. Not even disappointed, because apparently this kind of thing is almost expected of him now... She didn't even want him to explain anymore what made him act this way.

On the other hand it's not like he knows. It's not like he could explain his behaviour. It just kind of happened and without realising it it became a bit of a habit, maybe. However now he feels a little disgusted with himself. Not that there was anything wrong with these women. They were just still strangers and he’s not sure he would have had sex with them all as Matt Murdock, but in the moment they seemed intriguing? Nice? Or just as lonely as him?

He quickly realised that when you're kind of famous it really makes people want to cheer you up, without strings attached. He couldn't do anything like this as the well-mannered, blind lawyer. The other side of the coin is however that whenever he felt that something could be more than a one time thing he had already lied, he had already put on the mask and he couldn't just take it off again. He couldn't reveal anything personal until he was absolutely sure he could risk it and he just never was.

And apparently he was right to be careful, because Jessica emailed him a link to a page where they are writing about him, collecting information. A lot of it was completely made up, though, while only about four women were telling stories he remembered (there were quite a few more who didn't utter a word in public...), some trying to set the record straight about him, because - well, not all of it did sound so good. Most of the crap was even declared as fantasies, but they did give him an image he didn't particularly like. Maybe he should just make sure he won't give them any more to talk about.

So, tonight when another woman is clearly curious about her anonymous saviour, he doesn't accompany her home in the streets and only watches her from the rooftops. That's when he notices the girl. She's three blocks away on her way to the edge of the roof and sobbing. He rushes to her and slows down before he reaches her building, because he doesn't want her to fall off it in a panic.

Being close enough to catch her in case she tries to commit suicide, he makes his presence known and coughs awkwardly. “Please don't jump...”

She turns around to face him and steps back from him in fear - closer to the damn edge - and he has to move forward which scares her even more and makes her take another step back again. “Stop!”

“You stop!” 

“I can't… if you fall, I have to catch you!”

“Why?” She takes another step back and he has to move closer again, his hands raised in a gesture that is supposed to convey that he won't hurt her. “Nobody cares if I live or die.”

The next step back makes her lose balance and luckily her body reacts on reflex, keeping her up long enough for him to roughly pull her back. She pushes him away in a panic as soon as he lets her. “Don't touch me!”

Matt again raises his hands. “I won't. Just… step away from that edge please, it's making me nervous.”

“I don't think so. You won't tell me what to do.”

“I just wanna help.”

She scoffs. “Everyone keeps saying that.”

“What makes you think they're lying?”

“Nothing they do ever helps. It just makes it worse...”

“Well, they don't have superpowers.” He smirks at her. "I do."

“I know who you are, even without the horns. You're that Daredevil dude. No offence, but all you can do is beat up street thugs. You can't help me.”

“You could let me try at least." He offers her a smile and feels her react to it. If she likes him, maybe he has a chance to save her. "Let's just sit on the roof together for ten minutes and if you still want to jump after that I’ll let you.” He won't.

“Okay, you have ten minutes… deal.” They even shake hands on it.

After they sit down on the edge of the building next to each other, the girl takes out her phone. “What are you doing?”

“Stopping the time until I die.”

“Seriously...?”

She shrugs her shoulders with an alarming nonchalance which is absurd because he heard her cry before he arrived. “You should probably start telling me how precious life is, if you want to have a chance at winning this bet.”

“This is a bet?”

“It is now. You win, I live. You lose, I die.”

“You're seriously gonna put that on my conscience? What would you have done if I hadn't come?”

She sighs dramatically. “If you keep going like this I'm gonna kill myself just out of boredom…”

Matt then just keeps silent for a few seconds and waits for her to lose patience. “Aren't you gonna ask?”

Got her. “Ask what? Why you want to die?”

“What else?”

“Doesn't matter.”

“Now you're not even trying.”

“Yeah. You're so set on killing yourself I decided I'm just gonna jump with you.”

Now that she didn't expect and he has her attention. “You can't do that.”

“Says who…?”

She stares at him. “You're just trying to trick me. There's no way you're jumping after me, hero.”

Matt laughs bitterly at that term. “It's all a question of perspective, isn't it? You say I'm a hero, but if I just let you jump I'm an accomplice in your suicide. I won't be able to live with that, so I won't. However if you within the next eight minutes decide that I'm worth living for, you'd save my life and that would make you a hero.”

There are a couple of seconds of silence.

“How did you come up with that bullshit? Does that kind of thing seriously work?”

She chuckles and he joins in. “It was worth a try.”

It's back to the silent treatment after that and Matt notices her shuffling nervously from time to time. If only he gets her to sit with him long enough, distract her a little...

“While you're here…” She bites her lip.

"What..?"

That blush suggests that this is going to be embarrassing for her. Maybe they're getting closer to why she's here on the roof. “Can I maybe.... um... I'm curious. It would be nice to maybe.... see your abs?”

What the fuck?! Okay, that he didn't expect. Matt turns his head in her direction. Are teenage girls always this daring and direct? Asking strange men dressed in black to undress in front of them?! Oh crap, Hope is going to be a teenager some day...

"I just want to see something nice before I die. It's your fault I only have five minutes left to live. You suggested ten minutes on the roof. You could have said twenty.” He should just have pulled her off this roof, but if he doesn't want her to come back here it has to be her choice to leave.

“You can't tell anyone. I mean it.” As ridiculous as it is, this might actually help.

Now she turns to him excitedly. “Cross my heart and hope to die.” She giggles. For real.

Finally Matt starts to pull up his shirt and she sobers up immediately. None of the anonymous women he has been with have seen the scars. There’s a pretty big new one that he got from a hook. Apparently it looks just as painful as it felt.

“Didn't you use to have some kind of armour? That red thing with the horns?”

“It's at my place.” He puts the shirt down again. 

“Is it broken?”

“No.”

“Why aren't you wearing it?”

“Haven't been wearing it for a while. This is more comfortable to move in. The other one doesn't feel right at the moment.” He stopped wearing it to spite Trish at first, but it was also easier to get close to someone in it... That however he’s not going to explain to a teenager.

The girl swallows. “Do you have a death wish or something?”

“Asks the girl who’s about to end her life with me.”

“No, seriously. You can't jump. The people here need you. This neighbourhood was a nightmare before you came along.” 

Good to know. Matt smiles. “Still wanna die?”

She snorts. “Yeah, sure. But… not with you...”

“See, that's a decision I make every other night. If I give up, I won't be able to save the next one who needs help.” He keeps his tone light, but he can sense that hearing this horrifies her a little. Good. “The time’s almost up. It's your choice.”

“No, but… I didn't want that.”

“If you gamble you need to risk a little.”

“You’re bluffing. You don't even know who I am... why would you...”

He is definitely not joking with her anymore and anger starts creeping into his voice. “Are you sure about that? How confident are you that you won't be responsible for me taking my life, because I'm tired of the struggle? Tired of trying to save ungrateful little brats who feel suicide is a fucking game? Maybe I'm tired of people dying on me or leaving me behind and when you jump I just can't take it anymore.”

There's silence and then a somber melody starts playing on her phone - she probably thought she was being funny - signaling that the countdown is over and tension fills the air.

Suddenly the girl jumps desperately into Matt’s arms and he smiles. “I'm sorry!”

“I know.” He keeps his arms around the girl protectively. Of course, he always would have caught her. Not in a million years would he have let her kill herself and just watch. “You still want to die or do you want to tell me what brought you up here?”

She sniffs a little. “You won't make fun of me?”

“Pain isn't funny, no matter what kind.”

She takes that as a cue to blow air against one of his many bruises like a little kid, attempting to make it better. It's when she moves to kiss him though, that he stops her with a firm hand against her forehead and an irritated laugh. “Nope. Sorry, you're way too young. That would be a crime.”

She snorts. “I hate to break it to you, but so is vigilantism. You’d get arrested for much worse than allowing me to kiss you.”

“Yeah… but trust me. I have done enough to feel conflicted about. Kissing you would probably make me jump.”

It sounds like a joke, but it's not far from the truth, which she seems to get to some extent, so she hugs him instead. “I'm sorry. Relax, hero. I was just going for your cheek anyway, but I see it makes you feel uncomfortable...”

After a couple of minutes she starts talking about what made this day particularly bad, about feeling that she somehow drove her parents apart just by living, in her opinion, and Matt just patiently listens. Before he leaves, he assures her that it won't be her fault.

"Your mom and dad probably had issues before you were born. It could be that having you brought them up, but they would always be there and eventually they would have come up on their own. Maybe you just made them face the reality that they wanted something different in life a little sooner", he speculates solemnly.

Another tear rolls down her already wet cheek and she releases quiet sob. "You can't know that..."

Matt shrugs. "I can't. But I'm sure your parents love you, especially if they fight over you. Killing yourself would certainly devastate them. Take it from a father."

It's strange. He never reveals something personal like that in the mask to anyone and of course he swears her to secrecy before they part ways.

 

* * *

 

THEN: 

"Hey Jessica! I know you hate voice messages, but I am running around, trying to cook something nice for us and I just can't write right now, but I gotta tell you..." Trish takes a deep breath, surprising herself with how excited she sounds. Not insecure or nervous. "The last couple of days have been a bit eye-opening. Matt introduced me to his mother. I guess, they're not as close as I thought they were, but she's not like Dorothy. At all."

She snickers at the memory of the nun's face when Jessica's name came up casually in their conversation. "Maggie's not a fan of you, by the way. But she's trying to hide it." The woman is clearly making an effort to support her son.

While talking Trish feels she might have overused some spices a bit... Matt is quite particular with these because of his sensitive taste, so usually she only puts in very little. She's gonna ask him to taste the meal when he's back and he'll tell her what else she should add. "He talked on the phone with his mom as well yesterday. Jess, I've never seen him this open and vulnerable. I finally feel like I can stop guessing what he's bottling up and just get a real answer, you know?" She's stirring the food with a smile.

Matt was actually the one who made her aware of the fact that she didn't find the idea of having children quite that ludicrous anymore. She remembers him teasing her about it quite a bit back then. Never in her wildest dream would she have expected it to happen that fast.

"I think we're actually gonna be parents and I'm happy about it. Just imagine: me being a mum! I also don't think that Matt's doing all this just to please me anymore... I just saw him tilt his head, listening to something. Usually I have to ask him, what's going on, but instead he just told me." Trish laughs, because for a while she didn't believe this was possible...

"It was a husband catching his cheating wife and he had a gun. Matt said he had to react fast. I understood that he didn't have time to change, it would have taken too long for me to change as well, so I just gave him my scarf and told him I'd prepare some food in the meantime. He even told me where the apartment was - just in case - and promised to be careful..." But he should be back soon. Hopefully he keeps that promise.

"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you." Trish grins thinking of the day Jessica introduced them on her birthday and the way her sister used to regard this as the biggest mistake of her life, because she already knew it would lead to Trish becoming a vigilante... Maybe she had to thank her again. Because as ridiculous as her life has become since then, she wouldn't have it any other way. "Well, talk to you soon."

He does seem to take rather long, though.

Sure, she knows that he can deal with something like this alone and she trusts him, she really does. But if it is just around the corner he shouldn't take too long. She's about to go and look for him when she hears some noise at the window. Immediately checking she sees the man in question climp in... covered in blood. She stares at him in shock for a minute while he takes off the scarf that was tied over his eyes.

“It's not mine,” he clarifies and smiles. “But it got a bit messy.”

“Is everyone alive…?”

“Yeah, the husband has a broken leg, though. The guy his wife had an affair with tried to protect her and he has a deep cut from a knife. I don't think anyone recognised me.” He moves in to kiss her with one hand holding his weight against the wall while Trish feels herself relax, her mind going blank with his soft lips against hers and all worries slipping off her mind. “I'll just wash this off.”

He walks to the bathroom and Trish catches her breath, only mildly confused by the bloody print of his hand next to where she was standing. It's not unusual for them to come home with blood on their hands. She barely notices the fact that he locks the door after him. With a sponge from the kitchen she washes the blood off. The man must have bled a lot, if he got that much on Matt, she thinks for a moment, but it's when she hears a strange noise from his direction that her worries come back. She walks to the bathroom door with a dreadful suspicion creeping up and she knocks, but he doesn't answer. 

“Matt? Is everything alright in there...?”

When he still doesn't make a sound she tries to just open the door. “Matt?! Are you okay?”

Nothing. Trish is starting to panic then, because he wouldn't just ignore her like that and there's no way he can't hear her. That would mean that he must have lost consciousness…

After a minute of hammering against the door, reality sinks in and she's pissed that he must have lied to her. It was his blood after all and the asshole just pretended to be fine, so she wouldn't worry.

Well, now she's fucking terrified.

She tries crashing open the door with her shoulder, but it's too secure. Her apartment has pretty solid doors for security reasons. Shit. Screaming his name again and again Trish starts to get desperate. If only she was still able to move stuff with her mind… 

Her best idea is calling Jessica to come as fast as possible. Seeing a grumpy text from her about refusing to listen to six minutes of Trish's rambling, she just dials her number. As soon as Jessica picks up she interrupts her complaint: "Forget the stupid message I've send earlier. This is an emergency. Matt locked himself in the bathroom and I think the idiot passed out. I need you to come fast and crash the door open, like right now."

"On my way."

While she waits for her super strong sister she thinks she might as well try concentrating on the lock. Her mental powers aren't all gone after all, she can still sense some intense emotions. Maybe so far she just hadn't tried hard enough. 

After a while she feels like she might be getting a grip on this almost forgotten sense again. She’s not allowing herself to think about anything but the stupid lock - least of all that insane man probably lying on her bathroom floor. The incoming migraine be damned. Then the metal seems to be moving and it sounds like someone is trying to open the door. 

“Matt! Is that you?” 

Still nothing, which is weird, because it really sounded like... Oh, that means it was her! She has to keep going! Focusing completely on the lock again, now hopeful that this might work she continues stubbornly and her head already hurts like hell. A minute later there's a click and she pushes the bathroom door open in a hurry running towards Matt. It looks like he was trying to stitch himself up and then passed out, probably hurting his head during the fall as well, because there is some blood on the bathtub. But it could be worse. He looks like he’ll survive. She moves him into a more comfortable position and pushes her towel against the cut on his chest. 

“Matt, hey! Please, you gotta wake up! You're scaring me…”

He starts blinking and her hand cups his face. “Hey, hey… I'm here. Come back and stay with me...”

“I'm sorry,” he croaks. “She was more dangerous than…”

“Ssssssh….” Trish puts a finger on his lips and then she kisses his cheek. “Do you have any other injuries, I have to know about? Do I have to call an ambulance, or will you be okay..? DON’T lie to me!” Her fingers then jump to his throat feeling his pulse there.

“I’ll be fine.” He dares to smirk a little.

“Hell, you have a habit of saying that when you're not even sure….”

“Trish, I promise…” He takes her hand and puts it right over his heart, next to the towel she's pressing against the damn cut. “I've had much worse.” He chuckles. "One time even courtesy Trish Walker..."

Okay, cool. Humour is good. Except, Matt's the kind of guy to laugh at death when the world is ending. So, it doesn't do much to calm her down. “Alright. Well, don't pass out on me again.” She starts to pick up the stitching stuff that's scattered all over the floor. 

“You're bleeding, too…” His brows are furrowed suddenly.

“What…?”

“Your nose. There's blood coming from your nose. What happened?” 

She touches her face on said spot and looking at her fingers she sees that he’s right. “My head hurt from opening the door mentally…” She wipes the blood away with her sleeve, but the headache is already gone. “I think it's fine now.”

He exhales a breath he must have held. “Oh, okay…”

By the time she starts patching him up, Matt already looks a lot better and sports the expression of a kid that knows he messed up massively. The thing is, it doesn't work on her anymore. Trying to play it innocent. He keeps saying that he knows what he can take, that he’ll be fine, but he keeps scaring the shit out of her again and again. The only thing that seems to be different now is that he’s hiding stuff from her and that just makes it infinitely worse.

“I'm sorry, Trish…”

She closes her eyes and nods. “I know…”


	9. Turning Points

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part has references to past rape and the scene itself might be uncomfortable. Skip to "now" if you're unsure or ask me in the comments if you're worried about getting triggered.  
> Things are just mighty messed up with these people.
> 
> I'm kind of sorry how intense it became now, but I promise the last part of this chapter is cute. :)

NOW:

Matt is waiting in Hedy’s bedroom trying to figure out what he is doing there. Is he there to annoy Trish even more, get her attention like a rebellious child? No and at this point he thinks she's more disappointed in him than anything else. She probably already thinks that he’s sleeping with that woman she seems to hate. Who cares anymore, then? He might as well do the deed. 

The whole issue made him a bit curious however. He knew something was off with Hedy, so he kept his distance from the beginning thinking she's trying to expose him or something. He thought she could be taking revenge for someone he put into prison. Now, he found out that all these staged “encounters” were never about him, but about the mother of his child and maybe he just wants to know what's the deal here. He wants to know if Hedy is going to cause serious problems.

When he finds a device that could very well be a small camera he’s not surprised and he switches it off just before the brunette comes back in her little black dress with a blindfold in her hand. She positions herself just right, so they would both probably have been in the frame if they were being recorded when she pulls him into a kiss. While her mouth moves against his, he can feel her lipstick and is a little surprised that it doesn't smudge at all. She is directing her little video masterfully, he has to admit. Every movement in conscious. The cloth she pushes in his hands is a sleeping mask that he is supposed to tie over her eyes and he obeys to her wishes thinking about ways he could make this a lesson for her that she won't forget easily. Now that she can't see a thing she fumbles around for his face giggling like a shy school girl and soon removing his mask. He lets her do it, because this is going to bug her more if she thinks her plan is working and she caught his face on camera. 

“No peeking”, he warns her.

“Oh, I wouldn't dare.” Obviously she's lying and a bit proud of her sneaky little trick. “I want to protect your identity just as much as you do. Trust me.”

Wow. The confidence in this one kind of stuns him. He takes off his shirt, but now he's starting to get fucking angry with her while she seems to find it all rather amusing. When her fingers find his body he feels himself stiffen at the touch. Maybe this is a bad idea. This woman is obviously insane. She's playing a very dangerous game here - hell, even before, trying to attract his attention by running around in Hell’s Kitchen and looking for trouble. And he could be dangerous, too. Even if she would have everything he does on tape she is putting herself in a very weak position here, just to what? Outstage Trish by having a Daredevil sex tape that reveals his identity as well? How much exactly do they hate each other? What did Trish do to make someone that determined to hurt her….?

Pressing her body against his Hedy then whispers in his ear: “What are you waiting for, hero? I promise, I can show you a good time.”

He really shouldn't go along with it, especially with a growing desire to hurt this woman, but she started all this and she is going to have to stop it now. Also: He hasn't been with anyone since Hope was born and this doesn't feel wrong, exactly. Her hands stroking him everywhere, getting more and more daring… Saying he wasn't a little into it would be a lie.

“It's a shame that I can't see you,” she says pushing down his pants and then crawling backwards on her bed. “Makes me feel really bad for blind people.” 

He stops, because for a random comment that one is disturbing... She doesn't know who he is. Or does she?

“What are you looking at? Come here...”

Okay, maybe just a coincidence. He crawls on top of her and then buries his face in her neck making her moan. Although he thinks she's exaggerating her reaction quite a bit to put on a show. Then she purrs: “I've been hoping to feel the Devil inside me for so long… This is going to be our dirty little secret.”

“Oh, really?” Matt makes his own voice sounds as low and dangerous as possible and he can feel her shiver. “You don't plan to brag about this to that radio host?”

Suddenly he holds both her wrists with one hand above her head before she can tear the mask away. He switched the light off anyway, but he wants to be on the safe side. His other hand closes around her throat threatening to choke her and he’s picking up a weird mixture of fear and excitement from her. 

“I won't tell her, I won't tell Trish, if you don't want me to.”

She licks her lips, breathing hard and Matt kind of wants to give her what she's asking for: a real taste of the devil. But at the same time he knows that he might be about to punish her in a really twisted way even if it feels like she's truly into it.

“What do you want?” By now he sounds downright scary and it freaks himself out. A lot.

“I want you.” He can feel a tear roll down her cheek and she really doesn't sound that confident anymore. “Please…”

“Fuck. Why don't you stop me?” He leans his forehead against her trembling chest and breathes out a broken sigh. “You thought you already had my face on camera. What more do you want?” 

At his comment her head quickly turn in the direction where she hid the device.

“I switched it off.” And that’s when she starts to cry and he releases her to put his clothes and mask back on. She just keeps lying there and sobbing as if he went through with it. The thought alone sickens him.

Was this even more sinister than he had feared? Was it something worse that she wanted to catch on tape? “Did you want to film me committing a crime?”

“What? No! I…”

“Did you want to frame me?”

“No! Trust me!” As weird as it sounds, it seems as if she's telling the truth now.

“Trust me?” The sarcasm is basically dripping from his mouth. “You do realise that you said those words right before you told me you’d keep my identity secret….?”

“Shit. God, I hope I'll still get to see you again… I'm so sorry, DD...”

She always used to call him that, every time she “accidentally” ran into him and there was a time when he found it a little cute. Now, there’s not even any anger left in him for her. Suddenly a thought strikes him and he thinks that maybe she was manipulated or felt pushed into this, without truly understanding the danger of her actions.

“You know, I don't know who you are or what happened between you and Trish Walker, but since you're already certain that it was me on that tape with her I might as well admit it to you…”

At his honest words Hedy seems to stop sobbing. “Yeah, I was there that night when she was breaking into that scum producer’s office to look for more proof of him raping her and other girls.” He can hear her breath catch at this statement. Maybe she didn't believe Trish’s story. Is that what this is about? Or did it maybe happen to her, too?

“She told me what happened back then, how her mother told her to sleep with that man to help her career. How it ruined her life, made her repeatedly make awful decisions, until she finally defeated her addiction.” 

Hedy doesn't dare to dispute any of it and call him or Trish a liar. “I knew he hurt her. He never tried anything with me, but Trish… shit, she felt like it was her fault, didn't she? She was more fragile back then.”

Good. So, Hedy knows what he's talking about. “You just came very close to doing something quite similar.”

That again takes her by surprise. “No, that's not the same…”

“You felt like you had to sleep with me, because you thought you could gain from it, that it could help your popularity.”

“No, but that's not... You wouldn't have taken advantage of me like that. If anything, it was the other way around. I tried to use you. I really did want you. I still do...”

He offers her a sad smile. “You were terrified of me back then and wanted to go through with it anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you don't think I did anything wrong. I don't know why you felt pressure to do this, but something is majorly wrong with you if you think seeking out a violent vigilante, provoking him and trying to expose him isn’t completely messed up.”

Now, the tears are flowing again. “Were you…. concerned about me? Despite what I tried to do to you?”

Matt chuckles. “Call me old fashioned, but when a woman is crying, I want to comfort her, not fuck her.”

She sighs and mumbles something into her pillow. Probably a comment about him apparently sleeping with Trish when she was having a breakdown which… okay, was true. But back then she was already his girlfriend and he just didn't have it in him to reject her in a vulnerable and intense moment like that. She also didn't regret it, even after the video was leaked to frame her for the murder of the guy who had it. And that was a huge relief. But he's pretty sure Hedy would have regretted this night one day.

When he walks back to the window he gives her one last warning:

“Leave Trish alone. She has enough problems of her own. And stop looking for me, because Hell’s Kitchen is a dangerous place and there are many people who need my protection. Maybe next time you need help I’ll just go save someone else who didn't run into trouble on purpose. I don't want to see you ever again.” And with that he vanishes by dropping down into the street. Matt can hear Hedy cry for three more minutes and he really hopes that he got her thinking.

 

* * *

 

THEN: 

“I'm not sure I can do this anymore.”

Trish is sitting on his couch the day after he passed out in her bathroom. He knew that moment was bad, but before it happened she had been so confident, so sure that she'd be able to count on him. Was that really all gone after he screwed up once?

“I need some time to think and make up my mind.”

It's not fair. It was all going so well, wasn't it? Even that talk with his mother didn't manage to break them up. “You’re not dumping me for one mistake….! You were happy! Doesn't that mean anything?”

“Matt, listen to me. I'm not dumping you. I love you, but the thing is… The fact that I was so damn sure before this happened that it was going to be fine makes this even worse. How will I be able to trust this feeling again when you keep all the shit from me.”

She can't be serious... How is this happening? “Fuck this, I've been trying really hard! Holding back, staying home when it was tearing at me to run out there and do what maybe only I can. How is this not enough?! Why am I the only one with something to prove here?”

He can sense Trish blink. “Seriously?! You think, this isn't hard for me? I may not need to be a vigilante as much as you do, but you're talking to someone with a past of addiction, here. So, let me tell you that I want to make damn sure I'm ready for this and on top of that I have to make sure that you are, too! I had to be the one to find a compromise when you offered to do some kind of trial run and I had to be the one to see that you couldn't really deliver on your promise."

Okay, he never saw it that way, but Trish isn't done. Far from it. "I'm not the one who puts pressure on you, you are! I’m not that bothered by the fact that my boyfriend has an urge to save others and that he gets hurt. I understand, I do. What I think you don't get is the position this puts me in. Constantly hoping that you come back to me and don't make a rash decision. What troubles me is that you tell me you don't need it. You pretend to be okay when you aren't and you make promises to me that you can’t keep!”

“I know what it’s like to worry. Elektra wasn’t exactly safe and she died on me twice. You think I am not scared of one day grieving you like that?" Hell, how many argument did they have about him trying to keep her safe. Did she listen to his concerns? Well, maybe a little... "And what….? If I'd told you I’m not sure I can do my part in this, we wouldn't be here? Wouldn't you blame me then for acting like only I have needs and that I expect you to carry all the responsibility, raise our child alone...?”

“Well, we won't know now, will we? But I have to know what I get into and maybe I wouldn't have had this crazy idea that this could work then. Maybe I wouldn't have decided to keep the baby...”

That's the moment Matt starts to panic and that is usually not the state in which he should take life changing decision. But that has never stopped him, has it? He goes into his bedroom and grabs the little box he got a week ago.

“Matt, where are you going…? I'm talking to you.” She sounds annoyed with him.

“Just getting something…”

“You’re not going to change my mind with a present.” He barely registers her words. “I mean, unless you're going to a therapist or… shit.”

Matt can hear her heartbeat pick up as he enters the living room again. Seems like she already has an idea what he's up to so he stops in his tracks because her cursing is not a good sign… probably…

“Trish, I….”

“You can't be serious right now. I just told you I have to think…”

“All I want is give you another reason to trust that I'd do anything you want.”

“But I don't want more promises from you, if I can't be sure that you're even able to keep them. And you shouldn't do something, just because you think I expect it! That is exactly the problem.”

“But I want what you want.”

“No you don't. Put it away. I don't want to see it. I don't want you to lie to me that everything is going to be fine. Why don't you understand…”

“You also lie to me. You're lying right now...” Matt tilts his head. “You want to see the ring. Just… think about it, okay?” He starts to open the box revealing the engagement ring he picked out with Karen’s help. And he can tell Trish is curious.

“I WANT you to marry me.” When she sees it she whistles.

“Damn, you have great taste.” Trish moans and whimpers now.

"Well, Karen has great taste..."

“Fuck, Matt. Two days ago I'd have said yes in a heartbeat.”

“Just think, Trish. It's still us. Maybe we’re not ready. We can still have children someday. But I don't want to lose you over it...”

“Yeah… when do you think that's going to be?”

“You're not that old, Trish. You still have a lot of time.”

“It's not that simple, asshole.” Trish suddenly becomes very quiet. “For your information, I've not been very careful. Max certainly wasn't and I never got pregnant. There were several times when we weren't careful and it never happened.”

“You said you'd take care of it when I asked.” He makes sure it doesn't sound like an accusation.

“Because I was sure it wouldn't happen. I somehow felt like maybe I was broken after what happened to me.” There are tears gathering in her eyes. “I was actually fine with that, until you...”

“Trish…. Why didn't you just tell me?” How is this the first time he hears any of this?

“I… I didn't think you’d want to hear it. I didn't want to scare you away maybe. Perhaps I even felt like, maybe if something happened to you…" Trish is barely able to get those words out now. "Life is short, especially if you risk it every day.”

“No, but… why didn't you think we could talk about this?” Now, he's getting a bit angry again. Trish was always about talking things through, sharing your feelings and all.

“Seriously?! You're complaining to ME about not talking about my issues, when there is a shitload of triggers I have to stay clear of? All of which I have to figure out by myself, by the way?”

Matt steps back, because Trish is now getting in his face. “You're exaggerating.”

Of course, that earns him a disbelieving snort, but really- 

Suddenly she grabs his right wrist and he flinches. “You react like that every time I touch you there. Oscar told me what state you were in after Jessica chained you to the roof. You were traumatised. If the police ever arrests you, cuffs you, you're going to have a panic attack… I don't even want to think about what happens if one of our enemies finds out about your weaknesses.”

In frustration he kicks over the chair next to them. “Trish, I can deal with all of that. That wasn't my first panic attack…”

“Jesus, Matt. Does that really make it better in your head?” She’s fully crying now. Why is she crying? “I know that you can deal with pretty much anything. But that doesn't mean you should do it alone…”

Matt swallows while Trish closes the box with the ring in his hand and lays her own hand over it. He doesn't dare to move anymore, feeling like she kicked him in the guts.

“Hold onto it, if you want.” She kisses his forehead, but it's like he has left his body. “I love you, more than that ring would ever be able to show. This is not me leaving you, alright?”

“It's not….? Sure feels like it.” Was that him laughing bitterly?

“No. Just give me some time to think. And maybe you can ask me that question again one day. If you want...”

“I don't think I can.”

“Fine. Then don't. Maybe I'll ask you then. But right now I can't give you the answer you want to hear.”

 

* * *

 

NOW:

“She’s smiling at you, by the way.”

Trish saw it for the first time a while ago and remembers how excited she had been. After weeks of crying and screaming that had been a ridiculously pleasant surprise. She even took a video of Hope, and sent it to Matt knowing that he’d only be able to hear the happy squeaking his daughter did, missing out on her facial expression.

“I was hoping that was it.” Matt then softly touches the round little cheek with his finger and she seems to react by making more enthusiastic, mumbled noises, as if she wants to tell him something. “I could feel her heart beating faster...” 

Back when Hope was still inside her he would have been the lucky dad to sense much more about his daughter: all the moving around and the kicking, already proving to be a fighter, a true Murdock, before they even agreed on the name. But he had not been around to experience all of that sadly and now there is so much that he can't see.

Trish did never really pity him because of his missing eyesight, even before she knew about the senses. Being a lawyer and all, it truly did never seem like anything was holding him back and she always figured that he just experiences things differently. Maybe he can't appreciate the beautiful view from her apartment, or paintings for that matter, but certain noises, a piece of music, food... she’ll never know how he senses things like that and sometimes she is a bit envious of it all, of the intensity in which he perceives the entire world.

And then she realises that he’ll never see his own daughter smiling at him and since it was such an overwhelming sensation for her she's really not sure anything can compare. Right now he has that same expression that he had in the hospital, the one that annoyed her, because it made her feel for him in a way that made it impossible to keep her guard up.

It sucks that he’ll never see Hope. It just sucks, that he doesn't see that she has his eye colour, that she's a redhead. Trish told him, of course, but it's not the same. And still she can watch a radiant smile appear on his face now that he knows what's going on and Trish finds herself hoping for two things. One: That Hope is going to have her father's beautiful smile when she grows up. And two: That he’ll be alive to sense it, touch her cheek and experience it in his own way. 

Looking at him and Hope now she feels that maybe, just maybe all those arguments and all the heartbreak were worth it and it really doesn't matter if they never work through what has gone wrong between these.

They'll always be family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm putting this story on a small hiatus, because the rest of the chapters need some more work. But this is a good moment to stop and take a breath. Should be more than halfway through. :)


	10. Alone Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since the last chapter, so here's what we're at:
> 
> In the past timeline Matt gave Trish another scare trying to cover up an injury and she decided that she needs some time to think which made him propose to her desperately and she told him not right now, which he took as a rejection.  
> In the present Trish is now aware that Matt did sleep with a number of women he saved after their breakup and she believes her big frenemy Hedy is one of them. Matt on the other hand is under the impression that Trish has a chance at something more solid with Griffin Sinclair.

THEN:

"Would you feel different about me if I killed someone?" This isn't really what Karen came to talk to Trish about, but for some reason it's this question that stumbles out first without really thinking about it. The reporter looks at her friend anxiously while she stirs her coffee frowning a bit and taking her time to answer. 

"I don't know. Maybe." She shakes her head as if that's such a ridiculous hypothetical question. Well, if only she knew... "I mean, the circumstances would matter, of course. But I know you'd only do it to save someone. Or yourself. If you did it in cold blood I'd just be shocked to be honest."

"Yeah... I guess you'd be right to be... concerned," Karen admits. "Killing someone changes people, doesn't it? It's something you can't take back."

Trish then raises an eyebrow and shrugs. "Well, if Matt killed someone in the fight, I'd be sure that it was self defense. And at this point I'd just be glad that he did everything in his power to stay alive himself..." Towards the end of that sentence her voice sounds a bit ominous. 

"That makes sense..." So, it's not just her. There is nothing wrong with her for thinking it wouldn't change how she feels about someone. Karen has a hard time accepting that Frank cut ties with her again after he was framed for murdering innocent people. It's not like she doesn't see that his methods are extreme, but ultimately she does believe that the world is better off with the Punisher taking care of some monsters plaguing it for good. And she can't really fault him for snapping sometimes with a past like his. Just like she can't fault Matt anymore after learning more about how he was brought up like a child soldier.

On the other hand: What does that say about her? Shouldn't it matter to her? The fact that they were innocent? That's what got her interested in Frank Castle in the first place, wasn't it? That he only killed bad guys... That first time she saw him at the hospital she thought he was insane. (Okay, to some extent she now... knows that he is.) But she has to trust in his abilities. She has to trust that he knows exactly where all his bullets go and who they'll kill. She has to trust that he's right and they deserve it.

Just like she has to trust that Matt Murdock knows what he's doing or she'd go insane. "Frank saw your idiot run around in his old black getup by the way, being ridiculously reckless. That's what I came here to tell you. He had to step in to make sure Matt will make it out alive."

And that might just be the last time she ever saw Frank Castle. He just came to tell her about that. Again insisting that Matt Murdock is a good guy. Asshole. The guy may get engaged soon to one of her best friends, he may be a father in a couple of months and Frank still somehow thinks it's an option for her to go back to him. He was completely convinced that Matt and Trish must have broken up or her former lawyer boss moonlighting as a vigilante wouldn't be acting like this.

Frank has just no clue what that mad man usually acts like.

"Shit. I was afraid he do something like this." Trish leans back in her chair and she looks out the window. To Karen's shock there are suddenly tears gathering in her eyes. "I just told him I needed time to think."

No, no, no, this can't be happening... "What?! No, wait! But I thought..." She stops before she can spill too much. What if he didn't propose yet...? She can't say anything, right? However, one look in Trish's eyes tells her she knows exactly what she's thinking. And that means... "Did you say 'no'?" Karen's eyes widen while a tear rolls down her friend's cheek. How is it that the Punisher is sometimes better at seeing through relationships? How is Frank "stay away from me" Castle such an infuriating expert in matters of the heart...?

"The ring was really pretty by the way. Thanks for helping him choose." She just about finishes that sentence on a sob. A weak smile pulls at the corners of Trish's lips in an attempt to show that she's grateful. That she's sorry it was all for nothing. But this is just a little glitch, right? They'll work it out. They always do.

Maybe Trish just needs a little reminder what she's saying no to. "I only described his options, but he had a pretty good idea what he wanted. He was just a little unsure and it was so adorable. Really." The soft smile on Trish's lips tells her it's not completely hopeless. "Matt took his time with this. Weighed all the rings in his hand, touched them and asked me about the colors or the way they reflect the light. It was maddening, I'm telling you..."

Karen's laugh dies fast when the woman sitting in front of her doesn't say anything. "You think he changed? Is that it?"

A resigned shake of her head. "No. And that's exactly the problem. He doesn't even try to get better... He keeps lying to me, to pretend that he's fine. I can't trust him like this. And I don't like myself when I keep doubting him."

Karen feels that Matt has always been one step from sacrificing himself while Frank is the one who does the killing instead. Was one of them good and one bad? She really  didn't feel it was that simple. What if Matt had killed Fisk and Lenny? Would Ben still be alive if Frank had taken on Wilson Fisk? And what would the man she killed have been able to do against Matt? Would he have defeated Fisk if that guy had still been around to help him? Or would they have killed Matt instead?

Trish also told her that Lenny knew about their secret identities and that he forced Matt to help him. Any way they twist or turn it, operating illegally will make them compromise. Can they really judge Frank when he helped Matt out his way several times now?

Maybe it's time to find out. Maybe it's time to face the fact that Karen Page isn't as innocent as they all still seem to think.

"I shot a man. Matt doesn't know."

Trish suddenly stares at her in that way she does whenever she gets a look at Karen's dark side. "I'm sure he had it coming...?" Her friend is clearly trying to grasp what this has to do with anything.

"I shot him several times and I'm glad that he is dead."

Trish nods carefully. She told her about Kilgrave and it did sound like Jessica didn't have a choice when she killed that man, but did Karen have a choice? "What did he do?"

"He worked for Fisk. He kidnapped and threatened me..."

Trish tilts her head and frowns at her. "He could have helped kill Matt. Do you think that makes you like Frank?"

"I think, it makes me relate to him a little more, yes. It made me see the good in him." Now, Karen feels herself tear up as well. She never told anyone. The way they always talk about Frank.... She always did expect for them to judge her, too. Otherwise, they would be hypocrites, wouldn't they? Poor, sweet Karen Page can't be a bad guy like Frank Castle, right? And that's exactly what Trish's face is telling her right now.

"But I don't think you hunted that guy down to put a bullet in his head. There's a huge difference. You're not a killer, Karen." 

Well, she didn't think she was exactly like him, but she still finds herself mumbling: "Frank also doesn't always plan to kill those bastards."

"But he still does leave a trail of dead people behind whenever he gets involved. You don't."

Karen doesn't say anything to that and waits for the other shoe to drop. "Look, I used to carry a gun around, too. Back when I was powerless and I still would if I didn't have my reflexes... And I almost accidentally killed Matt with a knife. Sooo... I know how fast you can make a mistake. Still, you need some kind of protection, the badass reporter that you are, and I'm not saying it's okay, but I'm sure you haven't made it a habit...."

Of course, Karen understands what Trish is trying to say. So, she nods slowly. Did being around Frank make her feel better about what she did? "You think I should confess?"

"I'm sure, Matt and Foggy would be happy to defend you if you wanted to. Again, I'm not saying it's okay to get away with it, but I honestly think it's pointless to risk going to prison when you can still do so much good as a free journalist, Karen." Trish smiles and takes her hand in comfort.

"Kill some more bad guys, you mean?" Karen laughs bitterly.

"No. Tell a truth that still matters. As long as you can." And Karen can tell that she means it, that she accepts her just like she herself accepted Frank. The guy who tried to push her back to her friends repeatedly, while she attempted to do exactly what she accused him and Matt of: Pushing them away, because she didn't think she deserved their high opinion of her. Maybe the Punisher knows what's good for her after all. But he's wrong about Trish and Matt.

"Why is it always this complicated...?"

"Don't ask me. I'm gonna be a mum and a celebrity with a secret identity... Not to mention a completely mental boyfriend who thinks proposing during a serious argument is a great idea and apparently goes suicidal whenever he's hurting instead of talking about it." Trish sighs and rolls her eyes.

"Shit, right." Karen laughs, with tears still lingering in her eyes.

"And don't think for a second that I'm not grateful that Frank had his back." Trish smiles. "Because I truly am."

 

* * *

 

Matt has barely been out of his apartment and already lost two clients the past week while contemplating his misery, unable to concentrate. What's the point, really? He doesn't have the energy to go to court and he doesn't know what to do with the money anyway. The little box with the stupid ring is still lying on the kitchen counter, reminding him of what he lost and he still doesn't really understand why it happened, what he did wrong.

Everything was going so well. Sure, there had been some little mishaps, things that didn't turn out that well. But it wasn't anything too careless. Trish doesn't even know about half the times he miscalculated and got carried away while trying to save someone. And the one time he actually gets hurt more than he expected she immediately catches him trying to cover it up. But it wasn't even that dangerous! If he hadn't passed out from the bloodloss he wouldn't have hit his head either. It was just a chain of unfortunate coincidences.

Suddenly he hears rattling on his rooftop door. A familiar fragrance and a nervous heartbeat making himself anxious as well. “Trish…?” Is she trying to break into his apartment right now?

Matt jumps up and goes to open the door quickly. A confused looking Trish is kneeling on the floor in front of him and he's not sure if he should be happy to see her.

“What do you want?”

“Um… I was… I don't know.” She shakes her head and he concentrates on her hair moving. Sounds like it's trapped in a ponytail. She wears it like that when she's in a hurry.

“Well, you’re obviously not here to propose…” Trish audibly flinches - maybe because of his biting words or because of the reminder - and stands up from her uncomfortable position.

“I wanted to make sure you're alright.”

That's rich. "What makes you think I wouldn't be? Because you left?”

“I didn't…”

“You did.”

A deep sigh escapes her and he feels like he doesn't want to hear what she's about to say. What else is there to say anyway? “Matt, I just needed time…”

“Have you had enough time, then?” What if she said yes? Could they go back to who they were before the proposal? Probably not.

“No, but Foggy didn't hear from you and Karen said Frank saw you and what he said… We’re worried.”

He can't help laughing bitterly. “You're worried.”

“Matt…”

“No, don't, Trish. You've said enough. You didn't believe me about what I wanted and now I just want to be left alone. Go away.”

He attempts to close the door, but Trish puts her foot in it to stop him. “You can't do this! You can't just shut everyone out.” 

“Step away, Trish. I don't want to push you when you're pregnant.”

Instead she forces herself inside and Matt gives up with an annoyed huff. He’s not going to fight her physically over this. But he's not going to talk to her either, so he just walks down the stairs without a word.

“Look I get that you're angry, but…”

He steps behind the kitchen counter ignoring her. She's probably staring at the ring right now. Lying there like an open wound. “Matt, I beg you, please… I didn't want to hurt you.”

“Then don't,” he mutters stubbornly.

She’s standing next to him now, her hand touching his shoulder, acting as if he was an animal she’s trying to tame and making him flinch. Well, he’s done with it. He’s done making up excuses, he’s done trying to change for her and he’s done fighting for her. From now on he’s going to fight for himself, in the streets of Hell’s Kitchen and any way he wants.

“Please, just leave.”

She pulls her hand away. “As you wish. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to keep it. The baby. And I'll raise it alone if I have to.”

He fights the stupid longing inside him to have her hold him in her arms again while she walks out on him. He hates that stupid feeling of never being enough. He is going to show her what Daredevil is capable of when he isn't caged in and he’s going to make sure that Lenny Morano is the one locked away, so he won't be a threat to his friends... and family...

 

* * *

 

NOW: 

When the door to her sister's place opens, Jessica's eyes fall on the red hair pulled back into a ponytail. "Woah... Hello Patsy...?"

"Don't... Ssssh..." Trish rolls her eyes and pushes the stroller with a sleeping Hope tucked in out of the apartment. "I don't have enough time and energy to keep dying my hair, so I picked something close to my natural hair color."

"You could have warned me," Jessica mumbles. Any reminder of Trish's time as Patsy always catches her a little off guard. She rarely is able to connect it with the person in front of her.

"I almost forgot about it." Making sure that Hope is settled she pushes her daughter towards the elevator. "Matt actually smelled that I did something to my hair. And I thought I'd get away looking a little more like Hellcat without him noticing... It is a different shade of red though..."

"If you say so..."

They make their way to the park almost quietly and Jessica's thoughts go back to Trish recently learning about the fact that the father of her child had screwed around - in his vigilante mask, no less.

“So, you're fine with what Matt did?” Jessica doesn't know how she expected Trish to react, when she found out about all these other women, but certainly not this. She was not prepared for no reaction at all. 

“What he does, you mean? I have no reason to think that he stopped. And it's none of my business. I'm mostly worried about what Hedy's trying to achieve. But at least I warned him about her.” 

Of course, she did. "This sounds more like a Dorothy plot. She could be using Hedy, just so you feel forced to visit her." 

Trish takes that in quietly. "You think I should? It really sounds like she's dying." 

Jessica shrugs. "I don't care." She didn't think Trish cared either, but after seeing her with the red hair again, she's not so sure anymore.

"I got another letter from her asking to at least see her granddaughter once."

"You opened it?" Ever since Trish got kidnapped with Dorothy's help her sister had gotten much better at shutting her horrible mother out. But Jessica knows that the woman's sickness has been tearing down her defenses. The justified anger she felt has been replaced by pity after a while and in some way becoming a mother herself made her want to connect with her again.

Trish stays silent for a moment. "She writes that she would like to apologise in person."

"She had a lot of opportunities to do that Trish, and she blew it every damn time." Jessica sighs. "I don't want you to get your hopes up is all."

And that's the moment her baby wakes up and starts reminding them about her presence. Not that Jessica could forget. It's exhausting meeting her sister these days. God, she never thought she'd miss those times when Matt was all Trish talked about.

The woman recently turned redhead again just smiles. "Looks like I do have to pick my Hope up." And with that awful pun she lifts her daughter out of her comfortable little bed, rocking her and making strange noises in her direction. "I swear it's as if she hears her name sometimes."

"Cute." Annoying.

"Fuck you." Trish grins at her sister.

Jessica chuckles imitating Matt's Daredevil voice: "Language."

They walk to a café next and Jessica's thoughts wander back to that night when Matt called her to get drunk and open up about his feelings. She is pretty sure he hasn't done that in front of Trish yet. With the baby around it's not like he gets drunk enough to dare that. Right. Man without fear, my ass. “Just so you know: Matt thinks you're still dating that Sinclair guy, assuming he's better for you. You know how he ticks.”

“Ugh… that really sounds like him. I just went out with the guy once."

"Of course, you did." Still crushing over an ex does that to a person, unless you're Matt Murdock apparently...

"God and I never said anything, because I didn't want to judge him, but I didn't think those random fucks do Matt any good..." Trish then makes the same noise Hope does whenever she wants something she can't have. "On the other hand they're insanely reckless, so maybe I should say something.”

"Maybe you should, yeah..."

"Like, remind him that he should be looking for something more serious. That he deserves it."

You do, too, you idiot. "With whom?"

"Anyone but Hedy." Mental facepalm. Okay, Jessica is done. She's not a fucking matchmaker. This is ridiculous and she will not get involved.

Of course, that's when Trish decides to turn it around. "So, are you dating anyone?"

"Fuck you."

 

* * *

 

"Thanks guys, we won't be long." Trish kisses Hope on the top of her little head.

"Take as long as you need." Matt is holding their daughter in his arms giving her mother his best 'I've got this'-smile while she hugs Foggy before leaving with Karen to talk about some story the reporter is working on.

The moment they're gone Foggy claps his hands. "Sooo.... I hear there are some awesome, harmless experiments that can be done with infants."

"We're not experimenting on her, Fog."

"You sure? Maybe this will make her interested in science. I've heard that girls are more likely to get interested in it if they have more contact with science in their childhood." His enthusiasm is a bit infectious, Matt has to admit.

"I think they have to DO the experiments for that, not BE the object that's experimented on when they can't even talk yet." He walks towards Trish's kitchen area. "If you want to eat or drink anything, just help yourself."

"Cool, beer it is." Matt can hear the fridge open. "Dude, she still has everything in there with braille labels."

Here we go... "Well, I hang around here quite a bit. It so happens that my daughter lives here."

The silence that follows is the kind where Foggy is narrowing his eyes at him. "You aren't living here, are you?"

"No. I just stay over sometimes." 

Foggy scoffs. "When you're not staying with some random girl?" 

Matt knew it. Ever since that came out on Trish's show, he just knew Foggy would crossexamine him about it eventually. "When I'm not staying at home." And with a sigh he adds: "Say what you gotta say..."

But his best friend doesn't utter a word while he is rocking his daughter softly. He won't yell. Not while she's there. "What did she say?"

"Not much." Matt slumps down on the couch. “But I know Trish is thinking less of me now.”

“She’s probably just worried. Like me. Because: Matty, what the actual fuck? Do you even realise how dangerous that is...?”

"Language..." Foggy snorts at the soft reminder. "Seriously, between you and Jessica, I worry that the f-word will be her very first." Hope isn't really paying attention to the sounds coming out of their mouths, though. She's more busy grabbing and feeling her dad's fingers with her little ones.

Foggy turns around drinking from his beer again and probably cursing his friend's determination to deflect in his head. Matt will never understand why he is so damn curious about his love life. It's really not that interesting.

But maybe if he satisfies his curiosity for once he'll let it go. And maybe he'll stop mystifying it if Matt volunteers some uncomfortable truths. “I think the danger was part of the thrill actually…”

Matt grins, but Foggy is predictably unimpressed. “It's really hard not to yell at you right now.”

Bless his sweet daughter for making it harder to get yelled at in this moment. (In others she does the yelling, but that's beside the point now.) “It's over, Foggy. I promise. I haven't done it since Hope was born and I'm not planning on doing it anymore.”

“Okay, good. To be honest, your womaniser image took a bit of a hit after I found out about Daredevil and what you really have been up to at night, so in a way I'm glad I wasn't completely off, after all.”

Matt leans his head back in frustration while still playing with Hope. “Of course you bring it back to that…” 

“What about Trish, though? You think she'll forget about it?”

He has been warned to take things slow with her, because it always gets intense and he is still working through some things. "I don't know."

Foggy then finishes his beer and sits down next to them to play with Hope, too. "Well, let me know if you ever want to do something alone with her. I think Marcy would be open to babysit the little one with me." He then starts tickling her and she reacts with an excited squeal.

Apparently that's the end of that conversation and Matt just leans back while Foggy tries to teach Hope his name. "There is a much nicer f-word for you, baby girl. Say: Fo - ggy..." Foggy giggles and Matt groans, partly because he's annoyed and partly because his daughter just kicked a bruise on his side out of excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will likely be the end to this series and I keep changing the ending, because I'm not too sure what feels right here. So, please, let me know what you think! :)


	11. A Moment of Strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parents visiting without warning....! For a terrible procrastinator who has already too much self caused stress this is a nightmare. I had to put another chapter up, right? ;)  
> Sorry, if there are still too many mistakes.

Hormones are definitely not a myth and Jessica decides that she hates pregnant Trish. Her sister is a real mess when she crashes at Jessica’s place one fine day in an attempt to flee her apartment full of Matt's stuff. She keeps complaining that she's not even allowed to drink and it takes forever for Jessica to figure out what exactly happened. Of course, it has something to with that idiot fighting a bunch of criminals - in black. Not that the color is the issue here. But the black costume doesn't do a great job of protecting him - he doesn't - and apparently Frank also had to step in and help him out again. Shit.

“And the worst part is: It proved me right. I was right to think he's going to flip any moment and show his true colors. But now that I decided that I’ll have the kid, it turns out all I really want to do is make sure that he's alright…” She somehow manages to groan and sob at the exact same time. Maybe it's part of her super power.

Jessica then decides she can't have this discussion without a drink and earning a dirty look from her envious sister she takes the bottle from her desk.

Trish whines some more while she drinks, but then she gives her an expectant look. “I’ll look out for him. Promise.”

Her sister releases a breath she appears to have held. “Thank you.”

“Just keep me posted on what he’s up to.”

And suddenly her expression turns determined. “I will. If I hear anything.... How are things with Oscar, by the way?”

Jessica knows that Trish feels bad for making all their conversation circle around the same topic, but it's not like she really minds. “Good. Haven't thought about ditching him yet.”

“That's big.” The smile on the blonde's face looks awfully pleased and if she's honest with herself Jessica is kind of waiting for it to get complicated or for her to get bored, but somehow around Oscar ahe can relax.

“I know.”

 

* * *

 

Her catlike reflexes make her turn around on her way back home to find Lenny fucking Morano standing a few feet away from her. “Your boyfriend’s going to get himself killed if he’s about to antagonise me openly.”

“He’s not…” Trish tries her best to stay calm. “You have a video that can expose his identity. If he attacks you personally, he knows you can ruin him. That's the last thing he wants.”

How she hates that smirk. Of course he's proud of making the Devil of Hell's Kitchen dance to his tunes to some extent. “Yeah… but you see, I think he has become a man with nothing to lose for some reason. You wouldn't happen to know something about that. Would you?”

Trish doesn't have a sassy comeback to that, so she stays silent.

“Anyway, I really hope you two lovebirds make up, because I really don't want to leak this one on the Internet.” He holds up a little stick like bait.

“Are you seriously offering to give this to me? You’re not going to pretend that you don't have a lot of copies of that video...” She narrows her eyes at him feeling a bit insulted that he'd think she's that stupid.

“Of course I have copies on different computers." Holding it out for her to take he chuckles. "I just wanted you to know what's at stake.”

She takes the stick reluctantly. It would be better to know what’s on it after all. Matt is not honna like her watching it though. “Why me?”

“Well… it's not like he can see. And it's senseless negotiating with a madman like that anyway. You on the other hand… you care about him.” Fuck that gangster for figuring Matt out that easily. “Trust me. You don't want anyone to see him like this. And to be clear: I'm not threatening you. I'm sticking to the rules. Just politely asking you to make him do the same.”

This can't be worse than the videos people already saw of him getting tortured. Or can it? But Trish can't let the psycho see that she's scared. However, maybe she can make him realise that releasing the tape would be pointless anyway. “Doesn't matter what's on it. The scars are gone. Unless he’s on this tape without the mask this won't help you prove his identity.”

She think she recognised a flash of surprise on his face before she turns around to leave, almost crushing that memory drive in her hand. 

“Just remember, he’s more useful to me alive!”

Looks like she will have to watch this one. It's not like she hasn't seen Matt get beaten over and over again. It's just that usually she has been busy with her own fights and it's just worse when he's chained to a wall unable to defend himself which is why she avoided that kind of footage so far. However, this can't be worse than the others she saw at least in parts. 

 

* * *

 

NOW:

After getting Hope to fall asleep with a good night song - and Trish is a bit insulted that her one hit does a pretty good job of making her daughter tired - she goes back to her living room and finds Matt already entering through the balcony. The sight of his red armor takes her by surprise and Trish’s heart makes a happy jump. Of course she prefers the look of the black one on him, because it's just damn hot. That red thing with the horns however makes her think he's now taking care of himself a little better. With her living room in the dark she can see the lights of the city shine around him and it makes her old Daredevil fantasies resurface in an odd way as well.

Of course, Trish can relate to those women being turned on by all this. A dark stranger who saved them, a man of mystery. Suddenly a desire builds up in her, so she feels the need to touch him again and this time it's too much to resist. Matt holds still when she walks towards him tilting his head and probably suspecting what she's up to. As he lifts his hand to take off the mask she stops him. 

“Can you… leave it on…?” His breath catches when she moves closer and without second guessing it she rejoices as her lips meet his again. Obviously surprised about her actions he only reacts slowly, but he doesn't move away. She’s relieved when his strong arms circle around her and he only breaks the kiss when her own hand starts searching for a zip, because she wants to touch the unharmed skin under this wonderful layer of protection. 

He then reaches for her face and directs it back to give her a more hungry kiss and all the sexual frustration, all the longing of the past months pour into it. It's just as surreal as their very first kiss when she was still half asleep, because it happened so suddenly. How could she even forget how good this feels? Those soft lips, that tongue that knows exactly what to do to switch her brain off...

And it ends with both of them panting, foreheads leaning against each other while she still can't believe that this actually happening. Finally her fingers find their way beneath the armour, stroking the soft skin there and it's overwhelming even for her. Of course she can feel some new scars already which really shouldn't surprise her. She can hear Matt moan a little, his hands holding onto her desperately, his breath quickening. Okay, maybe this is a little sudden, but she doesn't think they can stop it anymore, until Matt shoves her hands away firmly. “Wait…”

He pushes her back a little and she frowns in confusion. “What….?” 

Releasing a heavy sigh he explains: “I don't think we should do this.”

Wow… that's just great. With strangers this was okay. “You don't want this with me?”

“I think, it's pretty obvious what I want, Trish.” He caresses her chin thoughtfully. “But I don't want you to regret anything later…”

“No, I won't…” she tries to protest, but he doesn't even seem to care. He made up his mind it seems.

“You were right about me and you don't even know…” The dark tone of his voice makes her understand that he’s serious. “I wanted to end it. In that fire.”

Trish moves back in shock and swallows, taking off the stupid devil mask to look into his eyes where she sees a disarming vulnerability. “I think you should know. Before we rush into anything again.”

Did their break-up really push him this far? “Fuck… Matt, I'm so sorry for leaving you…”

“You didn't. Not really. I get that now. I… you forced me to take a hard look at myself and I think it was necessary.” 

“No, but you've always been hard on yourself. All I wanted for you, was to understand that you're human. That you're allowed to have weaknesses…”

With an apologetic smile he adds: “That me being reckless has consequences and that it affects others.” She nods reluctantly thinking of Hope sleeping in the next room, because she has always been criticising this, wishing he’ll deal with it. But she just never wanted to give him another reason to doubt himself.

“I don't want to go back to who we were. Giving into instincts without thought. Right now, I'm not sure I could handle it falling apart again...”

Stopping the movement of her hand in his soft hair that's still a little sweaty from his Daredevil exercise she curses. She really wants to promise him there and then that it won't fall apart, but that wouldn't be fair to him. Not when he's finally able to admit that he doesn't feel strong enough. “Shit, you're right.” Already feeling like an asshole Trish whines, because not giving into instincts sounds hard and this is not making it easier. “I just think I kind of hate the new Matt right now.”

“I think you'll grow to appreciate him…” And he hugs her.

With his body pressed against her she can feel pretty hard evidence that this isn't easy for him either. “Being grown-up sucks.”

It really does. However, considering what he just confessed to her it sounds like the right thing to do and she suddenly feels engulfed in a strangely comforting melancholy. “I'm proud of you, Matt. Just… whenever you're ready...”

He winces at the sentiment and she already knows what's coming next. “No, please, promise me that you won't wait around for me.” He lays a finger on her lips before she can protest. “You waited long enough for this idiot to get his act together. I don't want to keep you from something that's better for you.”

How can she? After everything he just said and after everything they've been through. “What if you're the best for me?”

He snorts. “You can't be serious. We both know that I'm not. Maybe I'll be someday, but I could just as well be a hopeless case...”

Trish shakes her head in frustration, because she has never been more sure about him than in this moment. She always believed in him and now more than ever. But she decides to accept his wishes halfway, because it sounds like she's the one not good for him right now. She just won't tell him that she's going to be very, very patient…

Hugging her again he mutters: “Disappointed?”

“No… hopeful.” And she squeezes him a little more.

What sucks most about this is that he finally learned his lesson in self preservation when it comes to her. That she is the one who's able to hurt him most and there is just no way to argue against it. She did almost kill him accidentally once and she has seen what just the threat of her leaving did to him. So, holding him awkwardly with that layer of armor around him is oddly reassuring and heartbreaking at the same time.


	12. Get Up, Asshole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Well, the usual stuff for this story. Some more Matt trauma. Easy to skip.

THEN:

Matt sighs as Jessica kicks open the locked door to his roof. Why can't they all leave him alone? He’s busy preparing a showdown with the Moranos and he needs all the sleep he can get to do that. Groggily he gets out of bed and limps into his living room in sweatpants, finding a pissed off PI pouring herself a glass of his expensive whiskey.

“You have to pay for that door to get repaired. I don't want Lenny’s number one shoot me in my sleep.” Tuck doesn't miss his targets often.

“He wouldn't if you stopped bugging his boss.” Jess leans against the counter with a glass in her hand.

“He’s the one bugging me. By being a psycho who belongs in prison.” Matt winces as he sits down at the table and even without seeing her annoyance he knows that she’s staring at all the injuries his mother worked hard to patch up.

“You're making it personal again. It's not worth it, Matt. Think about Trish and the baby.”

“I AM. I don't want her to look over her shoulder all the time.”

Jessica snorts and drinks from her glass. “Are you going to kill them all then?! Because the way I see it that’s the only solution that would ensure that. What if you get him arrested? He could still order someone to hurt them. Or to hurt you when you sleep, as you so helpfully pointed out just now.”

“I'm a light sleeper,” he dares to mutter and Jessica groans. “You're a dreamer. That's what you are. You think you can single handedly make Hell’s Kitchen a better place. Make it safer for us all. And you do. Right until your ego is challenged. It's the personal vendettas that make your loved ones suffer. First it was Fisk and now it's Lenny. Leave him be. Collect evidence, get him arrested. Stay out of it.”

“He knows our identities. I can't stay out of it,” the lawyer retorts grimly.

“Fuck, Matt, that is exactly why you should let me handle it. You're just gonna get yourself exposed. Trust me. I know what he wants.” 

“You’re the one who made a deal with him first, which almost got all of us killed.” Okay, he's aware that was a low blow, but he's done being lectured.

“I can't believe you just said that. I did this to save you, asshole.” Yeah, he knows that he’s an asshole. Just like he knows her deal with Lenny did save his life, because if they hadn't turned up in the forest, which was only possible with Lenny’s information, Fisk would have cut his throat right there. But acknowledging that is not going to make him win this argument. He does feel bad about making her feel guilty, though.

Matt makes his voice sound as reassuring as possible when he goes on. “I've been careful. All I did was listen in to know what he's up to. To find something that puts him away for good. He doesn't even know what I'm doing.”

“Oh, he does.” Something tells him that she isn't guessing about this and he’s right. “He gave Trish a stick of that video.”

“He did what?” Matt swallows. “Did she watch it?”

When she doesn't answer immediately he knows that she did and it makes his stomach turn. “Someone had to know what's on it, Matt. It's not like you tell her anything. We had to know what he has against you.”

He carefully collects himself, trying to shut down the shame and panic. “And what is it he has?” His voice sounds a lot less anxious than he feels.

“A video that shows scars which you don't have anymore.” But from how she says it she knows more.

“What does it show, Jessica?!”

A moment of tense silence stretches between them.

“You know what it shows.” And a little quieter she adds knowingly: “I'm sorry.”

He takes a deep breath. “I want to be alone.”

Jessica stands there stubbornly for a minute, but then she leaves, swearing in anger and he’s not sure if she's pissed at herself for not being able to help, at him for pushing her away or at both of them.

 

* * *

 

Trish was so wrong. The video was so much worse. Not because it showed more violence, but because he in fact wasn't chained. He was drugged. And at some point his body shut down and then Matt Murdock couldn't get back up. That just didn't seem possible.

At the start she had to cringe because he apparently thought they had rescued him, since someone was cleaning him, washing the blood off with a sponge. But his senses must have given it away without anyone saying a word because eventually Matt attacked without much focus. The man knocking him back down started laughing. “Look, the drug really messed him up. It's like he can't even see.”

From the bitter chuckle and the stubborn “fuck you” Trish knows that he must have been able to hear them to catch the horrible irony of that statement, but for some reason he was unable to locate those sadists. Somehow he still struggled at first, still fought back without a chance. But every time his fist luckily hit a mark he suffered worse for it.

"You want me to cut you some more....? Red looks so good on you..." The voice of the woman was taunting him from behind the camera while a huge guy - probably Fakedevil - was kicking him.

And then she finds out what makes him twitch whenever she grabs his wrist and it makes her face pale in shame that she even did it on purpose once. His tormentor twisted his hand in a painful way to pin him down and that is the awful moment his whole body shut down entirely and he gave up. He must have suffered at least four or five days of torture by then, because not only were his wounds a testament to that, but this was also the place where they found him what must have been hours after this. And that's her only consolation: The fact that they got him out soon after.

That doesn't change what they did to him, though, and the moment the guy pulls his pants down she knows what's coming next and she desperately tries to focus on something beside the screen. But at the same time she has to know if there is anything on there that would give his identity away.

"Look at that. Not much of a hero now, are you? The Devil is a little slut." Her mind then also can’t help traveling back to Maximilian Tatum as she hears those words. She knows of course that trauma is something you can't assess, at least from the perspective of a victim. Still, she can't imagine what it must be like for him. Up to this point she was at least confident that Matt had no reason to blame himself for what this man did to him, but now she fears he just might and not just because he tried to fight Fisk alone before they took him, but because he was literally unable to fight him off while he wasn't chained. 

He froze like her just to get it over with. If he truly believes that the mind controls the body it's no wonder that this memory is haunting him. And remembering that he had a breakdown because of it already she dreads that this has the potential to make him shut down again in the worst possible moment. Trish had the tools to deal with her past in some way after years of therapy. All Matt had learned was bottling shit up and repressing it until he could take it out on criminals who he thinks deserve to feel his pain. 

And thinking about it now, she even felt a pang of guilt for admiring the result of all the abuse he must have suffered. It's not like she wants to give that Stick asshole any more credit and she's sure a lot of it has to do with his Murdock genes and seeing his father always getting back up… most of the time, but she'll be damned if she didn't admit that it's impressive what he can take. Right now she still remembers like it was yesterday how he fought his tormentors after these days of torture and it was incredible. She also knows that he’s proud of what he can do, but she’s not so sure she should be praising him for being such a stubborn badass all the time. Not when it may be keeping him from admitting when he's not fine and it's unlikely that he has processed all of this in the short vacation they took since he never opened up about it to anyone and already went back to pretending as soon as he was halfway convincing. He really needs to talk to a professional about all this.

The tape demands her full attention again when she sees that they are done with him. He didn't move, he didn't even twitch. He generally didn't look like he’d be able to take on anyone anytime soon, which she knows he did for a fact. She saw him fight most of these assholes himself. 

“You think we should take his mask off?”

Trish didn't even expect this anymore and she feels like she almost has a heart attack after what she just had to witness. But then she hears Fakedevil snicker. “Nah, he’s finished anyway. Doesn't matter who he is anymore."

In that moment Trish is glad that Lenny killed the guy.

 

* * *

 

NOW:

Malcom feels like he is really making a difference working for the Wakandan International Outreach Centre in Hell’s Kitchen, especially with getting drug addicts sober and helping them back on their feet. The first part he learned from Jessica, the second part he’s still trying to figure out. But their team is discussing their progress with Shuri regularly and having Wakandan technology available makes it definitely easier to reduce the relapses. Plus: Whenever she has time to send a message on their reports through the kimoyo bead bracelets - the vibranium communicators they use - it spreads optimism in the team of scientists and she manages to make even the most serious among them chuckle. Malcom lost a couple of bets because of this against Anand Chopra who is also working there now.

However, the technology can only do so much. With many of the street kids getting pulled in by drugs and crime, the mental dependency on the substances, the loss of their social support system and the prejudices against their past are a much bigger problem now than the physical addiction. They need some good publicity to get jobs, so Malcom called the first celebrity he could think of to provide it. But since Trish only works part time now because of her daughter she asked her friend Karen to come along and talk to some of these former addicts.

Malcom hugs Trish before extending his hand to the blonde reporter. “Thanks for coming by. They're actually in the middle of a card game, but I can tell them to continue later if you want, because I can never anticipate when they’re done anyway. It seems to go on forever. But I think they'll listen if they see you and Trish.”

Karen shakes her head. “No, it's good, I’d love to watch for a while if you don't mind.”

“Sure. Fair warning, though: They made the rules up themselves and it makes it impossible to follow the game, at least for me, apart from the fact that it's way too fast.” 

Trish smiles at Malcom to make him relax a little, because she knows how important this is to him. Jessica's former assistant leads them into a room where a group of teenagers and young adults is sitting on the floor. Every one of them has a couple of cards in their hand and a few more on the floor in front of them. And they're discussing animatedly about what's going on. Until suddenly one of them picks up a card from the floor and makes everyone start slamming their own cards on top of it. Soon after a discussion breaks out about who was first, one of them claiming foul while the others roll their eyes in annoyance. The discussion is ended with one boy picking up the very last card in front of him, turning it around and placing it in the middle. His move causes a lot of excitement accompanied by mean chuckles. “Now let's see what you’ve got!”

The boy in question however seems to end the game by finishing with all the cards in his hand, the last one being an ace.

“Shit. I thought they were all still buried down there….”

The game isn't over however, because the boy just takes the cards in the middle then and and turns them around in front of him. He also receives two undisclosed cards from the deck of cards in front of every player and he takes them in his hand victoriously.

Then they all turn to a shy looking girl and tell her to start. With a whine she opens the next round and everyone groans at the high card surfacing. Nobody seems to be able to do anything. When the next starting card is lower everything happens quickly again and Malcom is unable to follow, while Trish starts to whisper something into Karen’s ear to which the reporter nods. It all keeps going back and forth until some a bit older guy has no cards left in front of him and utters some colorful curses.

Malcom knows this is the moment to stop the game for a moment, so he tells the shy girl who won the last round to make this the last turn for the day. Her eyes light up at that considerably and she thinks for a moment. “You get a card for every muffin you make until tomorrow.”

All the other players cheer at her suggestion, except for one who complains that he’s still on a diet. But he gets ignored and knowing that the guy needs to do some shopping for this immediately Malcom gives him some money. “I'm going to need a receipt and the rest of the money back. Is that clear?”

“Sure, boss.” And with that he heads out while the others turn their attention to Karen & Trish. He introduces the women and explains to them that the game started out with them getting cards for tasks they're supposed to do in the group. And lately they've even started progressing towards getting cards after attending a job interview or something like that. Malcom helps feuling the game by giving them money for their tasks, because he learned that it is a pretty good motivation for them. Since the conversation gets easy-going quickly he decides to leave the two journalists alone with the group to reply to some emails. 

About 30 minutes later Shuri calls him for an update on his kimoyo bead and he is still quite amazed at seeing her holographic image appear above his hand. Malcom tells her about the game, too, which the girl does seem to find fascinating. While he's still trying to get the rules to make sense Trish joins them saying that she has to get home early to release Matt from watching their daughter. "Oh, have you guys finally made up?" He never understood what the issue was between him and Trish. Maybe he was still jealous of Daredevil or some shit like that.

"No, he still has some personal stuff to take care of. But we're good. I think, he's doing the right thing..." Trish's smile looks a little pained though.

"Oh I was actually hoping to catch you and ask how our devil is doing. Did the scars go away?" 

Malcom looks between Shuri in his hand and Trish standing frozen on her way to the door starting to answer. "Um... well... the last time I saw him he said they were gone, so he won't be recognised by them anymore." Okay, after the glance she just gave him, Malcom is pretty sure that Trish is still secretly meeting Daredevil. "But you know him... he's got some new scars already..." 

"Well, I guess I can send you more of that stuff then."

"That... thank you, but I don't think he'll use it."

Hologram-Shuri shrugs. "Well, just in case. Say hi to him from me, okay? Bye, Mal! Next time my brother and I visit you have to show us that game." She waves and then she's gone.

"You're still seeing Daredevil...?"

Trish makes a weirdly confused half-shrug. "He makes Hope happy...?" And then she changes the topic quickly. "By the way: Karen thinks that game is an addiction substitute. You should make sure it doesn't get too obsessive, especially since it never seems to end. Make sure they don't start writing down card debts or stuff like that."

Malcom's eyes widen at her suggestions. "Shit I didn't notice. It made them do their tasks, so I thought there's no harm in it." He should have realised, shouldn't he? Then again, his own experience with addiction is a bit different from Trish's since Kilgrave made him an addict. He doesn't know how it slowly happens to other people, what it's like when you have to blame yourself for that downfall.

"Don't worry. Just... keep it in mind."

"I will. Maybe I'll make them stop and have a winners party after they get a job..."

"That sounds like a good idea." Trish is putting on her jacket. "And I found out just before we came here that Karen also had a past of substance abuse. We're a club now. Former addicts helping street children and adult fuckups."

Malcom smiles bitterly. "We should get a superhero team name. Like the Ex-Druggies or the Purgerers..!"

"The Detoxers..." They both start laughing. "Okay, but I really gotta go."

"Give my blind lawyer buddy a kiss from me." Malcom snickers when she shows him the finger.

A minute later Shuri sends him a list of pros and cons for Matt Murdock and Daredevil that seems to highlight their similarities, followed by a winky face. Okay, he knows it's none of his business and people seem to be pretty fond of Daredevil, so who cares? Trish has every right to choose who she wants to be with, even if he's a suicidal jerk.


	13. It's Not Me It's You

THEN:

She gets all of her accounts on what Matt is up to these days from the media, from Karen, Foggy, Claire, Maggie or Jessica. He never answers her texts anymore. At first that worried her, because she thought something might have happened to him, but she soon understood that he wasn't interested in letting her know if he's dead or alive. 

It's not possible worrying about someone 24/7, so after a while she only got nervous every time she received a message from anyone who knew Matt’s secret identity. Messages from his mother or Claire at least always started with “he's fine”. In her head Trish translates it to: He got hurt enough to need medical attention, because it was too bad to stitch it up himself and they more or less kept him from dying.

Even Karen and Foggy barely saw him, since he knew they were reporting back to her somehow. Jessica kept her distance, but she figured investigating the Moranos was the best way to help him and hope she’ll find him whenever he runs into serious trouble. Trish helps her a little as well, but mostly with research from the safety of her apartment, since she's now too pregnant to take any more risks.

Sometimes she sends him voice messages and she can see that he listens at least. There is one message she keeps cancelling though. But she doesn't know how to put it. How do you explain to the father of your future child who's currently not talking to you and who you're more and more frustrated  with, that you want him to be there for the kid and you want to be friends with him for that, while you're really just missing him desperately.

"Matt... Hi! I know you won't answer, but you're gonna be a father whether you want it or not-"

No. Cancel. That sounds like an accusation. Trish sighs and puts the phone away again, just when Jessica's phone starts ringing and she picks up immediately. "How's Vido?" 

Sounds like the kid got into trouble at school again and Jessica tells his father that he can drop the boy at her place if he still has work to do. The fact that she grabs her bottle right after makes Trish ask: "Is everything alright with you guys?"

"Yeah... it's just..." She takes the shoes off her desk while her sister sits down in front of her. "Oscar is thinking about moving out of Hell's Kitchen, because Vido can't seem to get it together. He's picking too many fights."

Okay, she knows it's self-centered to think that, but if Oscar has trouble raising a sweet child like Vido alone, how on earth will she be able to manage? "And what do you think about that?"

Jessica looks at her like thinking is a luxury she can't afford. "I can understand it. Could be good for the boy."

"You wouldn't move with them."

"I wouldn't." Jessica shrugs. "It's fine, really."

"I haven't seen you manage a relationship with someone for this long, Jess. Maybe you should consider telling him to stay or going with him..."

Jessica narrows her eyes at her sister. "This isn't like you and Matt."

Trish huffs and leans back in her chair. "You mean broken? That's just my point."

Shaking her head Jessica sighs. "I mean we're not unbearable lovesick dickheads making life hell for everyone around us. Don't pout, it is nice to have you crashing with me for a while, but this place is too small for both of us." 

Okay, she's not wrong. Trish tried to help out a little, but she's not used to cleaning and this apartment is really such a dump that she had to suppress her urge to hire help. She at least did some shopping or tried cooking and... mostly she ordered delivery for both of them. "I'm sorry..." Maybe she has to go. But staying alone still doesn't sound very appealing. "Lets go to a hotel together. Yeah?"

"Trish, it's time. Go home. You have to deal with much more on your own soon." 

Right. Hard truths. "Okay, fine. I'll go tomorrow." Shit, they can't even get drunk together one last time...

"I'll... check on you, okay?" Jessica smiles at her sister and her heart warms because she's not used to having Jess offer emotional support like that. "And for the record: If things don't work out with Oscar because he moves away that's not on me. Which is a new, good experience for me."

Trish chuckles at that. "Jessica, I think we might actually start acting like functioning adults."

"And just in time." 

Trish snorts. "Okay, let me get some things later. Do you want anything special?"

"You have to ask? Booze."

"Got it."

Jessica then starts working again while Trish turns back to her phone to make a shopping list. When she sees the recording button she thinks, maybe she should try another message: "Hey Matt, so I want you to know that-" Trish groans. "Just, listen... no. Damn." She hits "cancel" again.

There's no way around it. Deep breath. Okay this is ridiculous. The next one is going to be it.

"Hey... this baby that's growing inside me it's already kicking like a ninja. It may need some guidance." Good, starting with a joke. He'll know it's a joke right? Whatever... "I won't put pressure on you, but I want our child to grow up with a dad. Can we at least try to be friends?" She cringes a little, but sends it anyway hoping for the best.

"Matt will come around. He'll want to be a part of this, don't worry."

"Hopefully. I just wish he also lives long enough for that."

Waiting for an answer could take forever so she decides to busy herself with groceries and later with Vido while her sister works on a case. They are playing Captain America in a video game Trish bought him while his now favorite superhero - Jessica Jones - is unavailable. 

Hours later she opens her phone to Matt's answer: "I don't know if I can do that."

 

* * *

 

NOW:

Picking up some documents Matt left on her table, Trish uncovers the card that informed her about her mother's funeral three months ago. She didn't go. She couldn't. Matt and Jessica understood, but that kind of made her feel even worse. Maybe she needed someone to challenge her on this, just so she could justify staying away.

Coincidentally that's the moment she sees Hedy Wolfe appear on a talk show on TV and it takes her enough by surprise that she doesn't react in time to keep Hope from spilling her juice. "Oh sweetie, what did you do?"

Hope blinks at her like it was some ghost haunting them. "Mommy...?" That was her first word by the way, Trish is always proud to inform. Cleaning up her mess feels better when she is reminded of that.

It is strange seeing Hedy on TV. After she tried to guilt her into visiting her mother she hadn't heard from her. Not even after Dorothee died which was strange. Maybe she was just trying to make her go crazy waiting for it and never giving her that opportunity to shout it out again. 

Trish had still managed to overcome her insecurities within the last one and a half year. There were enough challenges to keep her occupied and her main objective wasn't  to do everything perfectly, but to keep them all alive. And that wasn't as easy as it may sound, considering that Hope had apparently inherited both her parents' powers. Sure, they weren't quite as strong as they were in them, but let's say: Keeping sharp knives on the kitchen counter is not a good idea when your hungry daughter has mental abilities. 

Well, dealing with all that was at least good training for Trish's reflexes. And it only got dangerous when she was crying.

The first time they noticed it was quite an eye opener. One day she pointed in the direction of the window saying "Daddy!" and when Trish told her he'd come later she started screaming. Two minutes after that Matt came in in his Daredevil gear bleeding. She apparently had heard him stumble across the rooftop. When he knelt down in front of her to calm her down holding his injured side and smiling like he was fine, she stubbornly pointed at him and cried: "Ow!"

That's when they realised that she could feel his pain, too, and Matt promised that he would only come in after Maggie and Claire treated him. He even agreed to take pain killers when he was around her sometimes, because it really made her upset and Trish told him she doesn't want her daughter to also think that being in pain is normal. 

It's not like it hurts her, Trish explained to him after the reality of all that kind of sank in. They never discussed that she got used to him being injured all the time, too. But she saw in his eyes that he made the connection.

Trish isn't particularly interested in what Hedy has to say, but she looks up from preparing Hope's food when the fashionista is asked about her little fling with Daredevil. "We heard that you also got to know the vigilante working in Hell's Kitchen... According to reports from several women he seems to have some anger management problems..."

She appears to be a little thrown for a moment, but Hedy quickly composes herself. "I think Daredevil is a gentle soul. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about him. I certainly did provoke him and he never..." She sighs dramatically. "I think everyone should just leave him alone and that's all I'm going to say."

"I've heard that you also attended the funeral of Trish Walker's mother while she wasn't there..."

She stares at her interviewer then and shares a disgusted look with his colleague before answering coldly: "She had her reasons to stay away and I don't think it's my business to discuss them." After that she gets up and walks out of the studio leaving everyone stunned before moving on to the next topic.

What was that? She planned this, didn't she? Hedy always knew how to create drama. She needs to promote herself, so of course she gets someone to ask her these questions. What hurts, though, is that she really sounds like she knows him. Nobody who'd only had meaningless interactions with him would describe Daredevil as a "gentle soul". And Trish hates that Hedy knows. Sure she shouldn't care. They agreed to be friends for now, until he feels stable enough to try again. If he trusts Hedy Wolfe more than her...

She knows, though, confronting him about it would be bad, so she decides to pay Hedy a visit as soon as he takes over with watching their daughter.

Of course that's when Hope tilts her head, her eyes light up and she announces: "Daddy here!" Which means it's about ten minutes until he actually arrives, so Trish has time to  change into something less comfy.

When Matt arrives he immediately picks up his excited daughter and Trish gets away with fleeing the apartment as fast as possible. She concentrates on regulating her heartbeat, so he doesn't ask about it and half an hour later she rings Hedy's doorbell.

She doesn't have to wait long. Her former Patsy-Co-Star opens the door to her apartment visibly bracing herself for her anger. "That was fast. I swear I didn't know they'd ask about the funeral..."

Okay, the only reason this hits her off guard, is that this somehow isn't what is bothering her so much. "You're using him."

"Excuse me...?" Hedy shakes her head. "Seriously, your own mother DIED and I KNOW that she was horrible to you, but the guy you fucked on camera is what you're concerned with?"

"Well, he's not dead. He never sold me to criminals. And you're fucking right that he's a gentle soul and I don't want you to hurt him."

Hedy frowns and she moves aside to let her storm in. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No, I want you to swear that you're not doing this to get back at me."

"Calm down. He rejected and humiliated me months ago and then he warned me to stay away from you and him."

That actually explained why she never contacted her again. She should have known. He threatened her. Shit. "Since you came here it's not my fault. Make sure he knows, please. But I think this is going to be a longer conversation..." Hedy indicates for Trish to sit down. 

She doesn't seem like she's looking for a fight. She almost appears to be eager to clear the air, so Trish decides to... talk. And she takes a seat for what the woman has to say. "Alright, I'm listening..." 

"I missed the red hair."

Trish snorts at that. "This doesn't mean anything. I was just too lazy to dye it."

"Of course." The brunette smiles. "I don't blame you for not wanting to see her in the mirror for a while. You know, Patsy."

It's not like she'd deny doing it because of that. It definitely played a big role. Funny how she insisted on the red wig for Hellcat, though. Matt never realised, because he probably never knew that Patsy had red hair. Or if he learned it, he must have forgotten. 

Maybe red had a different meaning to her now. The color stands for Daredevil, Hellcat and danger, it reminds her of the light that billboard across from Matt's apartment makes sometimes. It's not so much tied to her past anymore. Or maybe she isn't that tied down anymore. She didn't even flinch when Hedy said her famous name. "I think, I'm actually past that."

"That's really good to hear." Hedy smiles. "Because I've always felt you were a little unfair to that character. I used to envy her in a way. I envied you."

"Oh, please..."

"Trish, you never understood. Patsy was a normal girl other girls could relate to. She was an idol that was attainable, not like your Jessica or Daredevil. But she was also heroic in her own way. Like you are."

Checking her weakened emotion detector, Trish knew that Hedy was being sincere, but she didn't know about Hellcat, did she? "I'm not... Hedy, Patsy was always talking about silly things like clothes and boys, she never did anything that mattered..." Oh, that came out wrong... "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that..."

That was a low blow for the woman with a fashion blog who is somehow... being nice to her..? "No, it's fine. I'm past it, too." Hedy winks at her. "I have no desire to save the world. Never had. I'm dedicated to make it prettier and tell people how they can leave an impression. You also know how to do that and you use it, too. So, tell me again that it doesn't matter."

Trish winces at her own words thrown back at her. "Okay, I think I get your point. I used to enjoy dressing up, too." And for a second she really takes in what Hedy just said about her. "You think I'm... heroic?"

"Don't let it get to your head. But your masked friend reminded me what you've been through and the fact that you've gotten your shit together enough to be able to raise a child. It's not that easy." It really isn't, even for someone who has powers as it turns out. Saving the world is easier if you're enhanced in some way, but the normal stuff - being a mum or making a relationship work - that is hard for everyone.

Maybe it is time to give this normal friendship another shot.

Unable to say anything Trish feels a tear betray her aim for a poker face. She wipes it away, but Hedy saw it. "I've got something for you to hear." Taking out her phone she looks for a recording. "After my little confrontation with DD I talked to your mother again to hear what she was going to say and she admitted everything."

Does that even matter anymore? She knows what Dorothy did and even Hedy seems to believe her now, too. But before she can say anything the former child star hears the recording start and the voice of her dead mother makes her pause. "Hello Trish... I owe you an apology-" 

"No, please..."

Hedy stops playing it. "I can send it to you. I see that you're upset and I get it. Maybe this won't make it better, maybe you never want to listen to it, but I did think you deserve that apology. So, when she was close to dying and it didn't look like you'd turn up, I told her I'd record it."

Trish is so overwhelmed by that gesture that she's rendered speechless. Provided with a paper and a pen she writes down her number for Hedy. "Thank you, I don't know what to say..."

"You're welcome." Hedy gives her a weak smile. "It was nice to reconnect. And I'm sorry about pulling Daredevil into it. I didn't know he meant that much to you."

"Yeah... could you keep that to yourself?"

Like a little girl she pretends to lock her lips and throw the key away which makes Trish giggle. It's one of the corny things they had to do on the show, but in that moment it's bittersweet.

"Word of advice, though? The dude has anger issues. Careful around him. He almost..." She sighs. "Doesn't matter."

But knowing what Matt is capable of when he's angry makes Trish a little nervous while another voice warns her still not to trust that woman. "What did he do?"

"I was an idiot, okay? I provoked him, I tried to record us having sex..."

That forces Trish's brain in overdrive and she starts to panic. Is there ANOTHER video?! And what did he-

"Oh my god! Don't look like that. He immediately stopped when I started to cry and I even wanted him to go through with it in that moment. I was just a little scared I guess. And he stopped the recording, so don't worry about that."

Okay, that still sounds troubling. "That idiot has a lot of issues. You have to understand..." 

Hedy laughs. "Oh... I noticed. He wanted to scare me. But like I said: he stopped in time and he was just very angry. If you see him again, tell him that he didn't do anything wrong or that I forgive him. Okay?"

"What makes you think he'd feel guilty?"

"I think he wanted to punish me. He seemed a little shocked by his own actions and... well, I you met him, you know he blames himself a lot."

Ok, she really knows him, but at least not anymore it seems. Trish smiles.


	14. Getting Back Out There

THEN:

Matt is lying in his bed trying to understand how everything could fall apart that fast. It was all going fine before this pregnancy and he even had been happy about it at first, but maybe children were just not in the cards for him. Or it was too early. He could still have a kid when he can't fight anymore. But Trish didn't want to wait that long.

And now she wants to be just friends.

Suddenly there's a hand on his side, snaking around him from behind, a scent from the past that takes over his senses. “Elektra…?”

“Sssssh…” She’s right next to his ear and then her fingers comb through his hair, scratching his scalp a little. He can feel her breath in his neck and then her lips making him gasp, before she bites his earlobe. To retaliate Matt turns around to pin her down and he stares at her under him, completely naked. “This wasn't you, Matt. You were never meant to have a family that is holding you back, caging the devil. You're meant to be with me. Free and saving people.”

Elektra grabs his hips and pulls him towards her which makes Matt moan a little. “Since when do you care about saving people?”

“I don't, but you doing it is kinda hot. A lot hotter than changing diapers. I never wanted you to stop, darling.” And he kisses her hungrily. He feels her touch him everywhere and then she makes them roll around to switch positions, her sitting on top of him, moving her hips with Matt’s and tracing his scars with her fingers.

“Why didn't I just run away with you?”, he asks quietly.

“You were scared, Matty.” She sounds angry and suddenly her hands are on his throat strangling him a little, until he punches her and throws her off him, only to climb on top of her and catch her wrists. Matt buries his face in her neck, bites and kisses her there while she moves more desperately craving contact with his body. She then makes him cry out in agony with her heels and uses that moment to push him on his back again. Touching him where a fresh bruise is eliciting another hiss from his mouth and a thrust from his hips.

“Fuck, you're pretty in pain.”

Matt leans his head back then and takes her hands to wrap them around his neck. He keeps urging her on with the movement of his hips. His lips are parting, waiting for her to stop his breath by choking him. Instead she takes it by kissing him lovingly. 

“You tried to use me as a weapon to commit suicide once. Luckily, that won't happen again, because I'm dead. Remember?”

Matt wakes up from his dream in panic and he opens his eyes to his usual darkness. Really, the fact that he saw her should have been a giveaway that it wasn't real, especially since he has never seen her. Apart from the fact that she's not alive. He can't even remember what she looked like in his dream.

After ten minutes he accepts that he can't go back to sleep and he puts on his black outfit to look for criminals to beat up. He needs to feel it, the pain. He needs to do his duty.

Hell’s Kitchen is especially quiet that night to his disappointment, as in low on crime. Sitting on top of a church he listens to the people, he listens for trouble in the streets. He decides to follow a young couple around that just apparently watched a movie together and the tension between them sounds a bit strange. The guy is basically complaining about the film that she had picked for the entire time and she lies whenever she agrees with him.

The moment they arrive at the door, it's quite obvious that she wants him to go and he thinks that he can go up with her. They kiss quickly and then she says goodbye, immediately turning her back to him and going to open the door. Suddenly he pushes his body close to hers from behind and whispers into her ear: “You like men to be a bit more demanding, don't you?”

She’s tense and he’s obviously reading her all wrong, so Matt jumps down noisily in front of them. “Let her go. She's tired.”

The guy turns around and jumps back with his hands held up. “I wasn't hurting her, we are on a date.” A date that isn't going as well as he thinks it is.

“You were on a date, but it's time to go home now.”

“Look, you don't understand. She's into-”

“I'll text you.” Her voice is firm and she isn't tense anymore. “I think you've had a bit much to drink today.” 

Would she have said that without the vigilante there? The guy suddenly understands that he’s not welcome anymore and he gets angry. Maybe he didn't want to understand her many hints because he really likes her. But that's no excuse for his next words. “I think you can lose my number after this. See you at work on Monday, bitch.” He glances at the vigilante again, but he doesn't dare to insult him. Instead he just turns to storm off.

“I think you should apologise to her.”

When he looks back he jumps, because Matt is standing right in front of him, arms crossed. The guy then looks at his date, mumbles “Sorry, I didn't mean it.” and then puts distance between them.

Still standing at the door with a key in her hand the woman looks at Matt gratefully. She’s not afraid or tired right now. In fact from the moment he stepped in her heart rate picked up - not in alarm, probably more out of curiosity. “Thank you. I would have gotten rid of him on my own, but this was faster and I don't think he’ll bother me at work now.”

“You're welcome.” She seems fine, so it's his cue to leave her alone.

“Wait!” The urgency in her voice makes him stay to find out what she wants. It didn't seem like she was still troubled.

And then she manages to surprise him. “Can I offer you a coffee…?”

What the hell...? Who invites a masked stranger into their home after a bad date? To scare her a little, Matt steps very close to her and uses his lower Daredevil voice. “You really think that's a good idea?” 

However, instead of getting scared of him this just apparently makes her even more excited… She smirks and then pushes him back a little, with a hand on his muscled chest. “But I know who you are and I'm not afraid of you."

Huh... That he certainly didn't expect. "You should actually be more scared of someone like me than that stupid guy whom you didn't even dare to disagree with."

Rolling her eyes she groans. "I just wasn't interested in a discussion. Wasn't scared. He just made be uncomfortable. You on the other hand..."

Her hand then moves down feeling his abs and he really should be running from this, but he’s just tired of feeling lonely and sad. Trish isn't going to change her mind again. She wants to be friends and that means he should probably get over her.

Maybe… 

The woman steps a little closer, careful not to spook him now and then she pulls him into a sweet kiss. When they part she looks shyly to the ground. “I just want to thank you for making us feel safer in this dark and scary city…” She takes his hand in hers, then glances up and Matt still feels conflicted.

“I can't let you see me.”

For some reason that doesn't bother her. On the contrary. She licks her lips. “I understand. And to be honest, that outfit doesn't leave much room for imagination anyway.” That makes him chuckle a little. To underline her argument she starts moving her fingertips over the fabric of his shirt and his body already makes up his mind. Fuck caution. 

“Fine. Let's go inside before anyone sees us.”

 

* * *

 

NOW:

He wakes up right when someone is about to pull his mask off and swats the hand away. The woman who was leaning over him is now stepping back cautiously. "You're the Devil of Hell's Kitchen."

There's no point in denying it. "Guilty as charged."

She laughs. "You sound like a lawyer..." 

"What?" His mouth falls open, because he's apparently too tired to not get exposed by a random person walking by when he takes a short nap on a roof. And who the hell walks onto a roof at night anyway?! 

"Oh my god. ARE you a lawyer? Because THAT would be so hilarious!"

Trying to compose himself, he stands up. "Um no... What are you doing here on the roof at night...?"

"Well... I saw you posing like a superhero looking for supervillains from my bathroom window and then you kind of slumped down. So, I decided to come over and investigate. Make sure nobody else catches you sleeping, you know?"

"Yeah... sure..." She seems kind of cute. "Well, thanks for waking me up."

"If you're tired you could crash at my place." Doesn't sound like there's any innuendo in there which is a bit of a relief to be honest. Ever since Hedy mentioned him on Trish's talk show the number of women flirting with him has tripled. It is quite annoying because he's determined not to flirt back which is kind of a natural reaction for him, he has to admit. Foggy always had a thing or two to say about that.

"Hello? Are you alright?" She seems to inspect him a little closer.

"I just needed a short break. I'm fine." Still bleeding quite a bit.

"You look a little pale there, counsellor."

"Counsellor...?" Is she really still on that lawyer trail?

"Just checking." She chuckles. "But really, you should go home. How far is it from here?"

"It's..." Funny how he thinks of Trish's place first. Then he considers the question and her curiosity before. "Are you trying to find out where I live?"

"I wouldn't dare." He can hear the huge grin when she says it. "Just a bit worried, is all."

He feels himself grin back. "Well, I'm a big boy. I can find my way back home alone."

"If you say so. Good luck!"

Running off to the next roof he's still smiling a little. From a block away he can hear her call someone. "Heeey! Kirsten here. I know it's late, but you'll never believe who I just met..."

Well, she isn't the only one who flirted with the devil. But that was quite harmless at least and he doesn't feel tempted to go back.

That also has a lot to do with the fact that Matt needs some medical assistance. But Claire is out of town and Maggie has a busy weekend, so he checks from a safe distance if Hope is sleeping. With his daughter not awake to sense his pain he decides to pay Trish a visit and ask her to stitch him up.

She seems to be awake. As soon as he enters her apartment she turns around. "Hi! Need help with that?" Nodding weakly he holds his cut side and returns her warm smile when she puts her book away to get her first aid kit.

"Take off the suit already, I'll be right with you." It's interesting how the routine still works although she hasn't done this in a while.

"Thanks." Matt hisses while he scrambles out of the suit awkwardly, discarding it on the floor and sitting on a chair when she returns to take a look. "You've had worse."

"I know." He chuckles.

"No need to move and make this harder, Mr. Daredevil."

He feels her gentle fingers working at the wound and a strange silence settles over them, until suddenly she utters what they were both thinking. "I missed this."

"What? Me getting hurt? Ouch!" That little slap on his knee was more playful and he smirks at her.

"You know what I mean. Taking care oft you." He smiles and ignores the pain in his side.

"How did Hope do today?" A little distraction would be nice. 

Matt can tell that Trish is amused. "Oh, the usual. Causing trouble while I cook."

That can go wrong fast. Not just because of the knives. A kitchen can be an accident waiting to happen with regular people, but with an infant that has mental powers it's close to a death trap. 

"I burned my finger on the pan and... well, she freaked out. But it's all fine now."

"Let me see." Matt smirks.

"Ha!" But Trish can tell that he's a little serious and she shows him her hand. "It's nothing..."

Matt can sense which finger got burned and he softly blows some air against it. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to do this."

She swallows. "Well, knowing you and considering the stab wound I just stitched up, you were probably out there saving someone."

"I was. Doesn't mean, I wouldn't rather have been here with you and Hope." By the way her heartbeat reacts she actually seems to be surprised by that statement. "It's not like I would let someone die..."

"I know, I know..." Now Trish tilts her head to look at him. "And you wouldn't rather be out there, right now? You'd want to stay in for the rest of the night?"

"Yes." Giving her his best smile, he thinks that maybe-

"Good. Because I'm grounding you."

Wait, what? 

"You're staying in with Hope to recover the next couple of nights and Hellcat will protect Hell's Kitchen instead of Daredevil." She kisses his forehead and giggles. "You can sleep in the bed or take the couch, whatever you like. Stop pouting."

Couch. Definitely couch.


	15. The One Who Isn't Fighting

THEN:

He's been listening for ten minutes to this girl who apparently payed a guy to fake attack her in the streets of Hell's Kitchen. She tried to convince him that he doesn't have to be scared of Daredevil, because he never kills anyone and that he has to sell it a little if he wants to get payed. And then she starts screaming for help, quite convincingly, Matt has to admit.

He doesn't have time for crap like this, not when he should be fighting the Moranos. But then the pretend criminal threatens to just walk away and she seems too stubborn to let it go and go home herself. "Look, I'm just going to run around waiting for a real mugger to attack me and it'll be your fault...!"

The guy whines understandably. "What did I do to deserve this....?! I thought this was about a prank."

"But... I just need to talk to the Devil of Hell's Kitchen.....!"

"Why?" They both turn around in shock when Matt steps out of the shadows, annoyed with both of them.

"I didn't do anything, I swear!" The guy starts to run away out of fear, not taking any chances with the vigilante.

"You better pay him, because you got what you wanted. Here I am." He stands in front of her now with his arms crossed waiting for an explanation.

"Oh, hey DD... Well, this is not how I imagined this to be." She giggles awkwardly.

He really doesn't have time for this. "Tell me what you want."

Suddenly she seems to have found new determination and steps a little closer to him. "And now you're angry with me. I'm sorry to bother you, really. Look, I'm just a fan, and I was hoping..."

He chuckles bitterly. "And you thought... what? You get yourself in trouble and then I'd have to save you, just so you could have an autograph....?" Wouldn't be the first time someone tried that. He tries not to encourage it, though, because it's reckless and dangerous...

"Actually..." She bites her lip. "I was hoping to get my saviors number and maybe treat him to a nice dinner or something. But I guess you foiled that stupid plan of mine."

"Yeah, I guess I did. Don't ever try to do anything stupid like that again."

He starts to walk away, when another question stops him. "Why did you even show up...?"

"To tell you to leave me alone. If you got yourself killed in trying to get my attention and I let it happen, I'd be responsible."

And with that he jumps up the fire escape, hoping she got the message, because when the wind changed directions just now he picked up a familiar scent that wasn't supposed to be around this area, especially not alone at night.

Karen. Without a trace of Frank anywhere. What is she doing....?!

Within a couple of minutes he finds her, apparently observing a building from behind a dumpster and making a call. "Jessica, I think I know where he is. Texting you the address."

Sneaking up from behind her Matt covers Karen's mouth so she won't scream. She still buries an elbow in his stomach before he can whisper in her ear: "It's just me. Matt."

She immediately turns around and hugs him close. "Oh, thank god. They took Oscar, because he helped Jessica with some information about the Moranos."

Of course. He should have thought of that. "Shit."

"Can you hear him? Is he... still alive...?"

Matt concentrates and makes out a group of people on the second floor. He clenches his jaw, because obviouly his is his fault. Jessica went after Lenny to help him. He should have known that Oscar would want to help her, too. And if something happens to him, he'd leave that little boy behind. At least Vido still has a mother, even if she's not the best person to take care of him...

"His heart is still beating. Wait here."

She scoffs and a click informs him that she just put the safety of her gun off. "I don't think so."

"Karen, I can smell gasoline in there. It's a trap. You can't shoot around in there."

She raises her chin stubbornly. "I'm a better shot than you think. I'll be careful. But there's no way I'm letting you walk into a trap like that without any backup."

"You're not as good as Tuck." Lenny's best shot is almost as quick and precise as Frank and he's not making a lot of warning shots.

"Tuck isn't working for Lenny anymore." Huh... How did he miss this? "He also warned us that this Yuki girl, Tatum's murderer, is back in town."

"Huh... that could help, maybe. If we get any of them or Liam to testify against Lenny now..." Then they can put him in prison for good. It will be done with.

"Yeah, we're not trusting them. Let's save Oscar first."

They don't have time for arguments and Jessica is on her way, so grudgingly he agrees. "Fine. But you stay back."

It seems like whatever he does, people get hurt. Oscar is in a bad shape. Because of him. Even this stupid girl tonight could have gotten hurt, while trying to look for him. And Karen... if anything happens to her, because she's with him, how is he going to live with it? Or if one day his own child gets dragged into this mess...?

He won't let Vido lose his dad. He won't let Jessica lose this family. Not on his watch. At least he can do everything in his power to get him out alive.

 

* * *

 

Karen quietly goes in after Matt, but she follows the man's instruction to stay back. Determined only to intervene when she thinks he needs it and stay hidden until then Karen watches Matt expertly take down the Moranos one by one. He takes a couple of hits, but as long as he keeps moving and avoiding all the bullets he seems to be in control of the situation.

Luckily they are too preoccupied to fight him that only the last one standing gets the idea to hold a knife to Oscar's throat. The father is tied to a chair, bleeding quite a bit. With fear in his eyes he stares at Matt, losing hope that he'll get saved by the Devil. Still, this could have gone way worse, Karen thinks, carefully aiming for the criminal's head.

Matt doesn't dare to move. "It's over. Drop the knife if you want to get out of this. Jessica is on her way, too. You won't get away with this."

But the guy just grins. "I wouldn't be so sure about that..."

The air then shift around in a weird way and suddenly Karen can see Matt's eyes widen. Within seconds he's gasping for breath and Karen can make out the girl behind him causing it. Shit that's Yuki, the one working for Lenny Morano who can suffocate people just like that. She's going to kill him, so Karen now aims at her instead and she pulls the trigger, just when Matt shouts "No!" and fucking jumps in front of Yuki to save her.

Shit.

Too stunned to react for a moment they all stare at each other while Matt drops to the ground still breathing hard.

"Drop the fucking gun!" The man draws some more blood from Oscar's neck and the father looks utterly terrified.

"No! You drop the fucking knife." Karen can suddenly feel the air thin around her, so she aims at Yuki again. "And don't you fucking dare. He saved your worthless life, but he can't do it again!" Ignoring Matt's choking sounds from the ground and the tears in her own eyes Karen shoots at Yuki who ducks and starts to retreat. She sends two more bullets in the girls direction, but since Yuki isn't actively stealing all the oxygen from her anymore and since Matt "you're not killing anyone" Murdock risked his stupid life for that psycho, she's not sure anymore if she wants her dead and hits the ground next to her that immediately ignites the drenched floor. Fuck. This is getting worse by the second. 

Surrounded by flames Yuki flees for the exit same as the other criminal left there and Karen runs to Matt's side. "I'm so sorry! But why the fuck would you jump in front of the girl trying to kill you?!" 

"Didn't want YOU to k... kill her." Karen swallows while Matt gives her a knife. "Oscar..."

Right. She hurries to cut Oscar free, but he doesn't seem able to move much on his own, so she's going to have to help him, too. Looking back at Matt she can see that he's at least on his knees now, holding his mask against his mouth, so he won't breath in the smoke. "Get him out. And if I don't make it... tell Trish that I'm sorry I disappointed her so much."

Fuck, she's going to regret this, because the emptiness in his eyes somehow is more shocking than the bullet wound that's entirely her fault. "Please, Matt. Keep fighting. Okay?"

With tears in her eyes, Karen drags Oscar to the stairs, hoping that the lack of oxygen in the room will keep the fire from spreading too fast. She can hear the sirens from the distance already when she's outside breathing in the fresh air. 

However as soon as she turns around again, the fire already reached the lower level and she sees no way for her to get in again this way. The only way out would be through the roof. A familiar dread takes charge of her as she watches the building burn relentlessly.

"That was Matt..." Oscar is also staring at the fire in shock. Oh right. He didn't even know who Daredevil was yet. "He's not going to get out, is he?"

They thought that before, didn't they? As the man slumps on the ground in front of the fire Karen hears her phone ring.

 

* * *

 

Trish is just recording a show when she sees a missed call from Karen on her phone. Fearing the worst she plans to put a long song on next to buy some time and find out what happened. After Oscar got taken by the Moranos for giving her sister information on the clan she hated being way too pregnant to help. There's not really much she can do. And since Matt hasn't bothered to answer her messages before, she thought informing him about this would only make things worse again. He'd been so damn reckless lately. So, Karen promised to help. Hopefully she had some good news.

As soon as she has a little time, Trish calls her friend back. "Karen are you okay...?"

"Yeah, yeah... I'm fine and we got Oscar out." The tone of her voice though indicates that there is something else. "It's... it's Matt."

Immediately she fears the worst. "But... we didn't want to involve him...?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. He found me and I told him what happened, so we went into the building together and... well, I accidentally shot him, or he tried to... to keep me from killing someone."

Oh no... "Trish, it was horrible. There were flames everywhere. He told me to get Oscar out and I couldn't get back in. Lenny even got Jessica arrested with a bogus charge, so she couldn't do anything... The fire's still spreading and we didn't see him get out."

And as if all this information didn't sound bad enough she also adds: "He... he said he was sorry for disappointing you."

That was probably the worst thing he could have said. Only Matt would save everyone but himself and then feel that he let her down. "I understand."

Trish can hear the song she put on before coming to an end. "Karen, it's not your fault. Thanks for... letting me know." 

Thanks for nothing is what she is thinking, though. Because she's useless now, isn't she?

"I'll let you know as soon as there's any sign that he's alive."

Finishing the call she prepares herself for the last portion of her show, while the father of her unborn child is probably fighting against death in another part of this hopeless city. He must be fighting right?

But what if he isn't? Or what if it's not enough? What if he feels like he failed?

When she sees her colleagues make desperate gestures for her to go on, Trish becomes aware of the silence they are broadcasting. "I'm sorry, guys, I just... received some news."

She doesn't even remember what she was talking about before that phone call. But she decides in that moment that she doesn't give a damn, because there is one thing left for her to do. "Apparently our local vigilante Daredevil is trapped in a burning building." She knows what fire can do to his senses. The smoke, the heat covering everything. "He was seen entering, but not getting out again."

By the way everyone is staring at her now, she's pretty sure she'll have her listeners attention. "And maybe this once, Hell's Kitchen could be able to save him. Do you guys think we can try that...?"

She feels a little self-conscious, because maybe this is a bad idea. Maybe this is over the top and it won't work anyway.

But she can see her own boss nod then, silently giving her permission to improvise. He knows this will boost the ratings again. Every time Daredevil got mentioned on the show was a rating hit. "Good. We know that he can hear a cry for help, right? So, what if he can hear us chant for him as well? What if... we can make the entire city tell him to get up?" She smiles, repressing tears and trying hard not to sound too affected. At least if he won't make it, he could hear this. And he'd know that she made it happen. That she wasn't disappointed.

"I want every one of you to repeat his name, as if you were watching him fight: Dare-de-dil. Dare-de-vil. Dare-devil." When Rob and her other assistant rush to the door eagerly, she waves them in and keeps going. "Say it with me, everyone, or increase the volume on your radio: Dare-de-vil, Dare-de-vil, ..."

As the entire Trish-Talk-team keeps urging him on with her, Trish closes her eyes imagining Matt in a boxing ring, lying on the ground while flames are closing in on him. He's barely conscious and looking like he's just waiting for death, when suddenly there are voices. Hundreds of people chanting his name, chanting for him to get up. There's an expression of confusion and astonishment on his beaten face. Until finally he breaks into a teary smile.

 

* * *

 

NOW: 

"So, the last couple of days she went out all alone and I took care of Hope. It was horrible." He feels a bit bad for saying that out loud, but he also can't deny it.

"Why? Okay. It would be great if she'd only use her powers to get her pacifier, but apart from that she's a sweet girl." 

"I know. I love my little girl. I like playing with her, taking care of her. But... what if something happened to Trish and I'm not there to...? And before you say it: I know that I'm a hypocrit for thinking this. Because I always brushed everyone's worries aside. And I know that she's capable and I saw her get hurt before. I know that's part of who she is." It's one of the things he loves about her.

"Are you afraid that you're failing in protecting her? In fulfilling your role as a man?"

"What? No!" Or maybe. "I'm not that... This is not about me being the man. I mean I feel the same way about Foggy sometimes. When he's putting himself at risk for my sake, I want to be around to protect him."

Anand raises his eyebrow. "Matt, we've been through this before. Why do you say that he's putting himself at risk for your sake?"

Ah, shit. "I know, I know. It's his decision to be friends with me, just like it's Trish's decision to go out as Hellcat. I'm not... responsible..." He takes a deep breath. "I understand that. I do. It's just..."

Trying to encourage him Anand offers Matt a hopeful smile.

"Sometimes I still struggle to accept it a little." Or a lot. Like, when Trish is out there risking her life instead of him.

"For the record. I think you've come a long way."

That can't be right. He feels like he's really not getting so much better at... dealing with all the pressure. He's still not even admitting half of it out loud. But he doesn't want to tell his friend that he wasn't able to help. He doesn't want to let him down, too. 

"I know what you're thinking." Why is the guy grinning at him? "You were hoping to be better by now. But you know, seeing what's not working, recognising patterns and trying to avoid them is really all you can do, apart from taking medication."

"I don't want to..."

"I know. It's okay. I realise, that it's difficult, especially in your case. With your senses and everything. But I think you're making a lot of progress, to be honest. You're working through a lot and I can tell that you're making an effort. That's all we've been hoping for."

It's not much, though, is it? Why would they expect so little of him?

"Matt... give yourself some credit. When we started this, you told me you felt like you screwed up everyone's life around you. Do you know how heartbreaking that was for me to hear from a man I admire?"

"I... what?" And the most absurd thing is that he means it. He told Anand Chopra about every stupid mistake he made and he's still putting him on a fucking pedestal. "You've always thought too highly of me."

That makes the man chuckle. "Matt... you're human. You're the only one who doesn't seem to see it. You act like you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, but nobody is asking you to do that. I'm not saying, you should stop saving people, I'm not saying that you should give up fighting for a better world that might never really change. All I'm saying is: Cut yourself some slack! Enjoy that time with your daughter, be a little proud of everything you've accomplished."

Matt takes this in. "Fine. I'll try to stay positive."

"Tell Trish that you two are invited for Dinner next Friday. And if you two want, Hope can sleep at my place later, and you can go do your thing together." He winks and Matt feels his mood lighten up at that idea.

"We'll think about it."

That night he invited Foggy over. He told him that he needed some company to distract himself while Trish was out there. In reality, he feels a lot better already, definitely good enough to jump across rooftops again. But this is actually supposed to be a surprise party for his best friend. Marci's idea. A pretty good one he has to admit.

Foggy doesn't expect a thing. Ever since he found out about Matt's dark little secret his college buddy could always tell when he was lying to him again, but not this time. Maybe it was because this didn't hurt.

 

* * *

 

The surprise party was a lot of fun. Marci asked to do it at Trish's place, so they could all be there and finding a room that is safe for a challenging kid like Hope really isn't easy. They always have to keep her abilities in mind to not get her killed accidentally. Or anyone else. Puberty is gonna be fun with that...

Foggy had blast and even Matt was able to loosen up a bit. The last couple of days really weren't easy for him. She can tell that he is restless and dying to switch roles again and she almost feels a bit guilty for enjoying her action time so much. Getting him to watch Hope while she is working again isn't half as hard as it is to ask him for this. For risking her life. Because that's always what they do, isn't it? Even if they're careful, Hope could lose her parents easily, because of one stupid mistake. But then again, people die in car accidents, too. And they're not that easy to kill.

Looking at the two Avocados chatting with beers in their hands, it seems like Matt is blushing a bit, so Trish goes to find out what Foggy is teasing him with this time.

"Speaking of the devil." Matt chuckles and makes his friend turn around to look at her with a huge grin.

"What's going on here?"

"Oh, I just found out that he's sleeping here!"

Of course, Matt's wearing the stupid glasses today. She wishes she could see his reactions better now. Although his mumbling is telling her a lot. "Um... yeah, sometimes..."

Maybe she should go back and talk to Karen or Jess.

Foggy however doesn't give up. "How often in the past week...?" 

"Like at night or also during the day...?"

"Doesn't matter. Answer the question counsellor."

"Six times." Trish smirks while Matt's mouth opens uselessly, but he doesn't dare to deny what she said.

"Wow. You're living together." Now he's grinning at Trish knowingly.

"No. Two nights ago I stayed at my place."

In an attempt to help him she adds: "We're just raising a kid together." Okay, they may both be in denial about this.

"Oh, by the way: I think she's waking up," Matt informs her. Should I?" 

"No, no. You try to convince Foggy that we're just friends. I've got this." 

Usually, even with Matt's hearing, Hope is able to sleep through almost anything, but she seems to hate missing out on a party like this. Unless at least someone keeps her company. Trish plays a little game with her and then puts her favorite music on which makes her daughter yawn finally. She has her eyes closed for a minute when a quiet sound of her phone informs Trish that she has a new message. 

Quietly she walks out and sees that it's from Malcom and he needs her help, or rather Jessica's, but apparently she's too drunk at this point to pick up.

Matt is standing next to her before she can start looking for him. "What's wrong....?"

"One of Malcom's kids is missing. He wants Jessica's help, but she's not really in the best state and if you'd leave Foggy's party like that..."

"Go. It's fine. I'll explain it."

He looks like he'd rather go himself, though. "Are you sure...? I know, you're really dying to go again and maybe I'm a bad mom for wanting to..."

And that seriously makes him laugh. "You're still afraid of being a bad mom?!"

"Yes! You have no idea how much I enjoyed being away from her the last few days..."

Sobering up quickly Matt tilts his head. "Really?"

"I mean, yeah! I enjoy my time with her, too, sometimes. But I've been longing to do this again. I get bored and then I worry about you even more...." Why is he looking at her like that? "What?"

Matt smiles and cups her cheek softly. Part of her is expecting him to kiss her lips then, but he just pecks her hair and tilts her head up, so she can look into his red glasses. "Just something Anand said today. Don't worry. You know, none of us are perfect. You're a great mom. Now, go and save Malcom's kid." 

Okay...? Wow. She's definitely going to bring Anand the best bottle of wine she can buy. "Alright." And before he can change his mind she hugs him and runs for her armour.


	16. Dying as the Devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might get confusing, so fair warning: Beware of time jumps. ;) I thought specifying them all would take the fun out of them and it doesn't even matter when these things happen, but there are some hints...
> 
> Also: This one's loooong. Sorry!
> 
> And I have to thank ceterisparibus (The Ella series is brilliant, by the way.) for helping me brainstorm some of the legal stuff in here and providing some links and ideas without even knowing the story. If anything feels off, it's me still getting it wrong though, or the characters. ;)

They hear it on the radio first. The Devil of Hell's Kitchen being stuck in a burning building, probably the one this blonde woman is standing in front of while the man beside her is already being approached by one of the paramedics.

Maybe she knows more. "Hey you...! Do you know if Daredevil is in there....?"

He can see her nod reluctantly. Probably doesn't want him to get caught, but then his life is at stake... "Anyone else?"

"Yeah... the men he was fighting. I think that's all. They should all be on the second floor. Unless he went further up." 

The fireman are already fighting the flames against the flames there. "Alright, thanks..." He can see one of them carry an unconscious body out, but another ambulance is taking the man to the hospital. Would they be able to save the Devil? On Ben's first week?!

They find him within five minutes. Not too bad. But he's unconscious, too. There are robes tied around his arms and a cloth is hiding his eyes. They put him on the stretcher quickly, but the fireman who was carrying him grabs Ben's arm forcefully. "He had the mask in his hand. Must have held it against his face so he could breathe through it before he fell unconscious." Then he stares at him as if he wants him to understand something.

Ben looks back at the guy with sudden understanding. Right! He put the mask back on, so nobody else can see his face. Nodding with determination, the young paramedic swears: "I'll keep it like this." Carol is already treating the bullet wound when he joins her in the ambulance. 

His first week has been so hectic and confusing, but this he'll never forget. He's going to save a real life hero today. Carol of course crushes his fantasy, while the Daredevil-chants can still be heard on the radio. "You know what will happen to him if we drop him at the hospital, right?"

"He'll get arrested."

She very carefully - as much as possible in a driving car - pulls the bullet out of his wound and it immediately fills with more blood.

"...or he'll get killed."

 

* * *

 

Everything is a blurr. There are different voices...

"Dare-de-vil, Dare-de-vil, Dare-de-vil..."

"I think he's waking up..."

"Then, maybe stand back a bit, in case he lashes out or something."

Everything hurts. It burns...

What the hell is going on? Why is he in a car? Someone is patching him up, but it's not Claire or Maggie.

Or Trish... 

Wait. Is this an ambulance?! There's a syringe! He sits up quickly which makes his head spin and two heartbeats quicken at his action. "No... no hospitals...! No pain killers!"

They are both holding up their arms in case he attacks. He's not so sure he could, but maybe it's good that they don't seem to know that. One of them puts down the prepared syringe. "Don't worry. We switched the siren off and we can stop anywhere you want to go. I just want to make sure you'll be fine."

"I'll survive." He might. Is that chanting in his head? That is a bit worrisome. He stands up, leaning against the stretcher, but his legs are still shaking and they hurt like hell, as if they're burned.

"Um... you can barely stand on your feet." A young man's voice this time.

He remembers the fire. The smoke and.... Oh shit. He took off his mask... But checking with his hand his eyes are somehow covered. "The fireman who got you out of that building put the mask back on. Nobody else saw your face."

Truth. Okay... that was considerate. And apparently all these people are obviously helping him, too. "Won't you get in trouble for this...?"

The woman answers this time: "We'll say you threatened us and ran away."

"Dare-de-vil, Dare-de-vil, Dare-de-vil..."

"Um... do you also hear those voices saying my name...?"

"Oh... it's that radio host." The boy sounds real excited about that. "She got the entire city cheering for you. It's been like that for fifteen minutes now, with continuous updates on the fire."

Trish. She... what? Matt then really starts to focus on that sound, on all the voices from different radio devices around the city and some others joining them. So many... so many people listening to it at full volume or yelling for him to get up. No... urging him on.

His city.

The thought almost makes him faint again and his knees buckle under him without a warning, but the young paramedic is there to catch him. "Why?"

Why would she bother with this? Why would these people help him? Sharing a look with his colleague the boy stutters: "Because you... protect us?"

"She said you needed our help." The woman then shuffles awkwardly. "I've taken some of your victims to the hospital and... yeah, it's not pretty, I guess. But the people you saved, they usually don't care. They usually sing your praises. So, this really shouldn't surprise anyone..."

Okay, Matt knew that he was getting popular and not just with women fancying him. He had his share of moments with excited fans, but there were other - maybe more memorable - moments when he needed help, when he was even screaming for it, because he was chained to a roof and nobody came. When people voted in an election to find out his secret identity. Or when they spread all those conspiracy theories about him working for Lenny Morano, helping Anand Chopra become the mayor or killing Maximilian Tatum.

He never expected support on this level and he really has trouble grasping it now. 

"Dare-de-vil, Dare-de-vil, Dare-de-vil..." 

It also makes him realise that maybe he didn't disappoint Trish that much after all, if she initiated something like this. And that makes it even worse, the fact that he just sat there and stopped fighting, that he gave up just like that, couldn't find the energy to move all of a sudden. He screwed up everyone's life so much with his actions, so he didn't really have it in him to fight for his own life this time. 

Or, well, he gave up before, didn't he? In that other building that collapsed on him. Or when he was taken by Fisk's people to get tortured. He remembers Elektra whispering in his ear back then before she died trying to save him: "Don't give up. They'll get you out." 

This has stop now. He can't allow something like this to happen again and again. This city is counting on him. More than he ever thought possible. And he definitely can't have anyone find him in this outfit, because of all the questions it would raise for his friends... his family.

"Can you call her? Or that show? Tell them that I'm alive?"

"Sure, sure. Just let me finish treating you. Ben can make the call and then we can drop you wherever you want."

Matt nods weakly. He takes out his own phone and calls Foggy. "Thank god, you're alive!"

His head still feels dizzy. "Can you pick me up somewhere?"

The ambulance has better equipment than Claire usually does, which is good, because the burns are quite nasty. Luckily they're mostly superficial, though. Maybe the lack of oxigen saved him from some serious deformation. He'll laugh about the irony of that later. 

Matt also takes in the cheers when Trish announces on the radio that he was saved by the paramedics, right before he falls back unconscious. 

 

* * *

 

As instructed Foggy waits until the ambulance is gone, then he approaches the hunched figure standing on the sidewalk. He has not seen much of Matt lately and a couple of minutes ago he thought he never would see his best friend again. Taking in his condition while leading him to Marcy's car, Foggy knows this is different than the other times he saw him beaten. This is on a Midland Circle scale of disaster. He's burned, broken and alone. But he reached out to him, so there's that.

After the break-up with Trish, Matt barely contacted him or Karen, but the times he did they tried not to say anything that would make him cut them out of his life, too. It was a struggle, but Foggy knows that he'll have to hear it one day. Or he'll know anyway when his friend is lying to protect his feelings.

Matt doesn't say a thing. He's processing during the entire drive to his home. It's not unusual. But what follows is. He protests quietly when Foggy tries to direct him to his bed and then he points at the couch weakly. "Can we... sit and talk?"

To say Foggy was stunned would be a huge understatement.

"Um... of course!" Foggy navigates them both to the couch and sits down next to him, bracing himself for whatever his vigilante friend would want to discuss after he almost died. Again.

"Fog, I need to change." Come again?

Whoa.... that is the last thing he expected to hear.

Although after many months of barely seeing his former best friend, he has so many thoughts on that, he's dangerously close to spilling them all out at once, which would not be a good idea. 

But, because they've been down a similar road before he certainly has thought about what might be a more realistic approach to trying to heal Matt Murdock's messed up life.

Okay, he should start with something positive to say. "Let's open Nelson & Murdock again."

"What...?" Are those tears of joy? Hopefully. "Why?"

"I know you lost some clients, because they knocked on my door. Buddy, don't question it, okay? You saying you want to change is all I needed to hear to jump back into this with you. I missed you. I missed our firm." Please don't see it as pity. Foggy just wants to help.

"No, but I won't stop..."

"Being Daredevil? Matt, after what I heard today, or what I'm sure you must have heard, you really think I'd expect this of you?" Now, he's sniffing. Oh shit. Too much emotion. 

"Hey, hey..." Foggy puts an arm around the broken man in front of him. "I'm proud to call you my friend, my law partner and even Daredevil. Don't you doubt it."

"But I screwed it all up..."

"Yeah, well, things need to be different. We both know that. You said you want to change. Do you mean it?"

His answer is a desperate nod that ends in more sobbing.

Okay this part is going to be tricky, but he has to try. "Did you know Anand studied psychology? Would you be open to... talk to him? Work on some things?"

Matt takes a shaky breath and tilts his head in that weird way. "Is that a condition?"

The dead look in his eyes tells Foggy he still can't push it. "No, but it would make me feel better. It's a little unorthodox maybe, but he already knows your identity and I'm sure he'd be happy to help."

"Okay... I... I think I can try that." The pained expression on his face shows what kind of torture that means to him.

"Matty, I'm not forcing you to do anything against your will. Okay? You trust me?"

"With my life." Oh, wow. Now that's one overwhelming declaration, but then again sometimes Foggy feels that his friend's life isn't something he values as much as he should. And Matt seems to know what he's thinking, because he decides to offer him even more. "If it would help, I could promise to keep you in the loop. Especially when what I'm doing might affect you....?"

It's not like he really wants to hear all this. He doesn't want to get a better look at this part of Matt's life, but being informed would probably be better if this is supposed to work. "That's a good idea. Let's try it."

 

* * *

 

Foggy sends Trish another update that he brought Matt home and he assures her again that he'ĺl make it. She even gets a picture of the sleeping vigilante which feels kind of wrong, like his friend is her spy on the inside, but she's too relieved to see some evidence that he's alive and looks taken care of. She can't really feel guilty about it.

Scrolling through the messages she has send to Matt the last couple of weeks she kind of sees how he may have gotten the impression that she was disappointed. Of course, she was. Sometimes. She tried not to let it show too much, but some of the messages haven't been phrased very well. She felt angry while writing them, especially whenever she heard some of the reckless shit he'd been up to. So, now that she finally received a message from him through Karen she thinks that maybe she should try to clarify. "I'm not disappointed in you. Quite the opposite." And after a minute she adds: "I was just worried."

She's not expecting an answer. He's resting and she should be sleeping, too, but there's too much on her mind. Trish considered turning her training room into a kid's room, but that seems too drastic even if she won't be using it for a while. So, the guest room has to go. She'll keep the bed in case Matt decides to stay over. As unlikely as it is right now, that possibility makes her feel a little better.

But the longer she's pregnant the more terrified she got, fearing that she made the wrong choice. It's not like her mother was a great example. Maggie is surprisingly supportive, but she also doesn't really know how to do this. Eventually Trish falls asleep despite all those thoughts.

The next morning she finds two simple words on her phone that make the start in the day a lot easier. "Thank you." It's not much and yet...

The next couple of weeks Trish decides to concentrate on preparing for the birth as much as she can. She also spends as much time as possible with Jessica while she tries not to talk too much about the baby, but a part of her suspects her sister isn't completely against a new family member. She's definitely going to miss Vido, too.

 

* * *

 

"If he does this, he can't contact you, ever."

"I know, Murdock. I just want to say goodbye. And I won't scare your witness off."

"Hey, wait a second." He holds the door closed and she sighs. "This isn't about us losing a witness. They can build a case without Oscar. Okay? This is about your life. If you want him to stay, you have to tell him."

"Yeah, yeah... get over yourself. I'm not ending the longest running relationship I managed just to save you from Lenny Morano. I'm not you." She easily shoves Matt out of her way and walks into the room.

"Jessica!" Vido runs at her and she picks the kid up, smiling at his dad who's leaning against the table.

Oscar is still wearing bandages, but Karen and Matt got him out alive and at least Lenny didn't try to harm his boy. "How are you doing?"

"Would be better if I could heal faster." 

Why does he always joke about it? The fact that he never felt like he belonged in her world. "I'm sorry."

"Not your fault, Jess. You know this is going to be good for us. A new beginning..."

It's the smart thing to do. And he was thinking of leaving anyway. Hopefully the kid will grow up in a nicer neighbourhood. "You deserve it. Both of you." Then she looks down at Vido. "And you be careful, alright? Your dad was trying to be a hero. Look, where it got him."

"Jess..." Right, not in front of the kid.

"Thank you for everything." She hugs him. "I mean it. Was nice to be around normal people for a while."

She kisses him one last time, trying to save every detail about this in her memory. And then she lets go and lowers herself to put her arms around Vido, too. "Take care..."

"Can't you come visit us in our new place?"

"I'm sorry, that would be too dangerous. But I'll miss you." Shit, she didn't expect it to be that hard to say goodbye to the kid.

Her eyes are probably red when she breaks away, because Oscar is now grinning at her. "Gonna miss me, too?"

She rolls her eyes with a smile. "Fat chance, asshole."

Outside again, she meets the two lawyers who look at her expectantly. "And....?"

"What?" Jessica gives them her best killer stare. "They're leaving. No change in plans."

"You think she cried?", Nelson is whispering.

"Careful, buddy, you only have one nose."

Jessica just ignores their comments. "What about Liam? You think you can protect him from Lenny in prison?"

"Yeah... He'll be fine. Some of Lenny's loyal gang members turned their back on him when he tried to punish Liam and Oscar. Others were arrested. We don't want to take any chances with Vido, but Liam can take care of himself and we'll get him out soon."

 

* * *

 

They did it again. The legal way. Mostly.

In the end she is happy about the way things turned out, how they put another powerful man in prison. They got Oscar to testify about what happened to him and he could even still identify some of the people working for Lenny. Then Liam helped them catch Yuki and Lenny. The case was a mess, because every day they feared that the Morano boss would use his Daredevil allegations, but he didn't out Matt for some reason. Maybe he thought he didn't have enough evidence. Maybe he just knew he was done.

That's what she is determined to find out, so she visits Lenny Morano in prison. "Karen Page... To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I just want to know..."

"Why I didn't out him in court? Even if the scars didn't make it possible to identify him anymore, I'm sure he must have some burns from that fire..."

She's not going to confirm that for him. Not that easy Mr. Morano. "I wouldn't know. Why then?"

"You won't believe me, but mutual destruction isn't my style. I can admit when the good guys won. It was never personal for me."

"That makes no sense. If this isn't your style, your enemies know your threats are empty as long as they attack you first and you wouldn't have gotten this far."

The mobster chuckles at this as if prison didn't change much for him. He is probably still running his business from in there somehow. But it can't be doing that well. "Did anyone ever tell you that you're too smart for your own good?"

"A couple of times..."

Lenny considers her again. "Daredevil's identity is the only thing of value that I have left. Giving it away like this would have been stupid. And I knew they wouldn't attack me like this without a proper plan to counter allegations against Murdock. Or I knew Nelson wouldn't allow it."

"And that's why you didn't want them to shut down these accusations for good."

He nods and she can tell that he believes that she just confirmed a suspicion he had. But it's wrong. He thought they were baiting him the entire time, when they never really had a safety net. It was sheer luck that he didn't say who Daredevil was. 

"And you threw Liam to the wolves."

"Yeah, I felt bad about that, but he turned on me. Others would, too, if he got away with it. See how they do it now? Tuck left with my money, because he was disappointed and even Yuki..." Lenny chuckles bitterly. "I just never had a chance, did I? How do you fight an enemy who risks his life for your own people? He saved her! When Matt asked her on the stand if she worked for me, she couldn't lie to him. They counted on that."

"And you know who he saved her from?"

"You."

"You know why?" Lenny raises an eyebrow at her. "He didn't want me to kill someone. But I did it before and I'd do it again, if I thought it was necessary."

"Are you threatening me? Listen, woman, it's not very nice to do that to a man who is already down. I wasn't even that ambitious. I was nowhere near as influential as Wilson Fisk."

"That's what you wanted us to believe, but as long as you know his identity, you can hurt him."

"Or Miss Walker. I don't think she's done with the catsuit, just because she'll be a mother now." Great, yeah, remind her of that. "You can't just kill me for having information. That would be kind of evil, don't you think?"

Karen then leans forward. "Well, I'm warning you. If you decide to sell that information to ANYONE... I'll make sure you'll be punished." And by the way his eyes widen Karen knows he understood that she means it. 

Her heart is beating like crazy while she's leaving the prison and once she's outside she looks through her contacts and finds Frank's number. Her finger is still hovering over it when she receives a text from Matt giving her the address of a hospital. That can't be good, right? But then another one follows saying that "everybody's fine". She has an idea what this could mean which makes her smile and put the phone away.

 

* * *

 

It happens on the third time they go patrolling together. Some criminal grabs his wrist in a certain way and even utters his real name. Or maybe he imagined it? But it's not like the men who used to work for Fisk, who held him captive, ceased to exist. It's not like he killed them.

Matt can immediately feel a panic attack creep up, or maybe it's rather the fear of it than the real thing. Usually meditation or breathing techniques help him through these, just like Anand advised. If he had known how to deal with this during the fire... But he can't exactly do any of this in the middle of a fight.

And shit, this feels like the real deal, so he has to do something before this gets any worse. He quickly runs to jump on the next roof, knowing the guy is unlikely to follow him there and then he hides to recover for a couple of minutes. He distantly hears Trish fight the remaining three guys alone, until one of them decides to go looking for him. By the time he's on his roof however, Matt has his own body back under control. Mostly.

It's still absurd to him how sometimes just surrendering to it works better than denying it's happening. He still feels a little shaky when the guy attacks, but with a couple of precise blows he takes him out. 

Of course he then runs back to Trish as fast as possible, hoping he didn't leave her alone for too long. When he sees her on the ground, it almost triggers another panic attack, but then Trish uses her legs to take the guy over her off his feet and then she buries her claws in him, while Matt practically jumps at the other one. 

His fight is over quickly enough to see her knock her opponent out with one kick to the head. Back on her feet she faces him and tilts her head, holding her arm that's obviously bleeding.

"You alright?", they both ask simultaneously and laugh about it.

Trish then takes out her phone, while he concentrates on her injuries. Not good. Not good at all. One cracked rib, the cut on her arm and by the way she's moving, she'll have some more bruises later.

After she's done, she gives him that look. Which is funny, because she's hurt worse, since he just abandoned her. But instead of interrogating him there she decides to go home and waits for him to follow.

Within earshot of her apartment Matt can hear Liam in Hope's room whining about her antics. He quickly enters the building through an open window, takes off the devil mask and finds Liam getting bombarded with a couple of fluffy toys for some reason. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Mummy hurt!", Hope screams at Matt as if he didn't know.

Trish enters the room behind him with the mask in her hand, but a smile on her lips, judging from the tone of her voice. "Mommy is fine, sweetie. Just an accident." 

Tilting his head Matt sniffs then, because he smells more blood and not on Trish... "Liam...? What happened to your head?" 

"Oh, I didn't notice that she was moving the light bulb in the ceiling lamp. Apparently she unscrewed it and dropped it on my head." Liam winces as Matt touches his head bump. "At least that made her laugh."

"Shit, why didn't you call...? Take something frozen from the fridge." Trish then runs out of the room. "I'm just gonna change and get the first aid kit."

Matt has to make sure that she lets him stitch her arm up first. But for now he just keeps Hope company. She really likes screwing things. They should have thought of that. Liam comes back holding frozen Brussel sprouts to his head. "Don't tell Jessica about this, please. She said, I'm not tough enough to babysit Hope."

Matt chuckles while his girl is trying to climb him. "The first time I was alone with her, I was terrified and that was before she started throwing shit with her mind. So, don't worry about it. You survived prison. I don't think Hope will be the death of you."

"I think, Jessica found a song she likes that calms her down more than anything." Trish sits down with her first aid kit in front of Liam, but Matt quickly changes places with him, putting his daughter in the young man's arms.

"Your arm, Trish." He grins at her and she sighs, taking off the towel she wrapped around it to stop the bleeding.

"Ow!", Hope protests, when Matt starts working on her cut with the needle.

Trish tries to show no discomfort and talks in a soothing voice, while Liam covers the girl's eyes. "Hey... It's fine. Daddy is an expert at this. He did this for his own dad, too."

"Maybe, I should also learn doing stitches", their babysitter comments, wryly.

"I don't think you'll need to learn that as Jessica's assistant. Duct tape is her usual solution for that kind of thing." Matt smiles at Liam's shock.

"Okaaay.... still. It can't hurt." 

"Ow!"

"Almost done, sweetie."

 

* * *

 

After Liam left and Hope is asleep, they sit down at the kitchen table with a midnight snack and Trish tries to bring up what happened during the fight. "I'm sorry, I left. I felt a panic attack coming and I heard someone saying my name..."

"What? Noone said your name, Matt. They didn't even speak English." She carefully takes his hand in hers.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely." He doesn't look too convinced. "Also: You did everything right. You can't defend yourself during a panic attack and much less me. Staying there would only have resulted in you getting beaten and later unable to help me against the rest."

"You should have run, too."

"I had it under control." She smiles at him. "Just like you did."

Of course that makes him change the subject, because he doesn't believe it. He is probably repeating his "The mind controls the body"-mantra in his head. Well, yes, if it thinks you're not taking care of yourself properly, maybe the mind tries turning your body off and on again...

Eventually she takes a shower and really mulls over what happened. Wasn't this what she was afraid of? What she warned him could happen? Turns out he can deal with it just fine. Or maybe he can, now. Then again, what if he was right and he heard his real name? What if someone is after them again?

Well, fuck it.

They'll find out soon enough, so she grabs that scary thing that she stole from his apartment several weeks ago and she finds him sitting on the couch in concentration. He's listening to a recording of her own voice. She immediately stops in her tracks, because the memory of that night still gives her the chills. 

"Jess, I've never seen him this open and vulnerable. I finally feel like I can stop guessing what he's bottling up and just get a real answer, you know? I think we're actually gonna be parents and I'm so happy about the way this all turned out. Just imagine: me being a mum!" Matt looks grim while he's listening to it which is a stark contrast to how fucking happy she sounds. She remembers how excited she'd been that day.

"Why do you...?" Where did he even get this?!

"I asked Jessica about that song Hope seems to like and she stumbled upon this on her phone and send it to me." 

They listen to her rambling in silence to the end. "I just gave him my scarf and told him I'd prepare some food in the meantime. He even told me where the apartment was - just in case - and promised to be careful..."

And then it stops. He looks so damn heartbroken then, that all she wants is to hold and comfort him. Will he want to be alone now?

“You were never supposed to hear this.” 

“I'm glad I did. Jessica apparently figured I should.”

She half expects him to send her away, but he doesn't. Making room for her on the couch he invites her to sit down next to him, so she does. It's now or never she thinks in that moment. Her hand touches his cheek. She nudges his face, so she can almost look straight into his unseeing eyes.

Trish licks her lips. “Am I allowed to kiss Matt Murdock again if I admit that I’ve been a fool?”

“You're not. You were just worried. And you were right to be. I remember what happened after that call-”

Suddenly he frowns and catches the hand on his cheek. She feels his breath coming faster, gentle fingers brushing over the ring she's wearing and the surprise is obvious in his eyes with a hint of happiness. “Trish, why... You didn't have to put this on just so you can fuck me again.” He sounds half amused and half moved when he says it.

“You're a jerk. Don't you even joke about this. You know what bothered me about you being with all these women?”

He shakes his head barely noticable and nods in her direction to go on. She can tell that he's still ashamed of all that. But really it was just sad.

“That it was so unlike you." He snorts at that, but Trish wants to say this. "Foggy’s college stories about those women you hooked up with are funny anecdotes, but… you need someone to stick around. Something awfully domestic and solid.” 

"Is that what you want?" Suddenly he's awfully serious, the words sounding uncertain on his lips. Maybe she was right after all. 

"Only with someone as crazy as you."

A silent tear falls down his lashes, but she catches it with her lips and then leans her forehead against his.

They stay like this for a long moment and then he takes her hand with his ring in both of his hands. When he still hasn't said anything after a minute she starts talking again. “We don't have to marry, I just want you to have a sign that even if we fight - which we will - I'll always come back to you.”

He smiles and she stares at his glassy eyes, slowly moving forward to meet his lips, so he has a lot of time to tell her that she's wrong, that he doesn't want this. It's different than before, like the last wall has crumbled down. He seems more vulnerable, not entirely trusting this yet, still scared that she might change her mind again or maybe he's scared he could disappoint her and Trish pulls him into her arms properly, kissing him more deeply, while stroking his back, playing with the hair in his neck until he slowly relaxes, maybe surrenders a little bit.

“I think that was our fourth first kiss.” After another peck on his lips he pulls her closer.

“Was it good?” His voice is low and almost too quiet for her to hear.

“I think it was the best.”

Despite those strong arms his embrace is strangely fragile. “You… hurt me.”

“I know. I'm so sorry about that.” She kisses him again. “I'm sorry I made you doubt my commitment, that I didn't make it clearer, that I didn't fight harder. I'm sorry I didn't see how this affected you...”

"Stop it. You had your own shit going on with your mother and then Hedy." 

He hugs her close, pressing against her as if she came back from a long journey, as if they weren't already spending so much time together. "I talked to Anand about the fire last week."

"That's... that's good." If he can bring it up like this without going tense like a log it sure is.

"I finally realised something then." There's a soft smile creeping up on his face now. A smile she hasn't seen on him in a long time. "What you did for me back then was... it was incredible and I'll never forget it." Seeing the slight confusion on her face, Matt goes on. "The chanting, Trish. I think I never told you what it meant to me."

Ah, that. "No, you didn't."

"I was so sure, you were disappointed in me and then I woke up in that ambulance hearing my city call for me. You made that happen and we weren't even together back then. In fact, I was a complete jerk and didn't even reply to your messages and you STILL showed that much faith in me."

"You got that like last week?" She raises her eyebrows.

His look is a little sheepish then. "I kind of avoided thinking about that day. But looking back at it, I think it means more than that ring ever could."

"Oh?" She grins at him. "So I didn't have to propose to you after all?"

"Was that a proposal?" Smirking just a bit, Matt asks her: "Do you want to take the ring off again?"

And since the smug Devil is back she dares to shrug with a grin. "Maybe..."

They both laugh and then snuggle peacefully on the couch. When she starts to feel the skin under his shirt Matt smiles at her. "Just so you know, her heartbeat tells me that she'll wake up again."

Trish rolls her eyes. "Of course. At least she didn't interrupt us before we had this figured out."

"Do we have this figured out?"

"I think we both know that we do." She kisses him again and his tongue tells her that he certainly doesn't disagree.

One day Matt Murdock is probably going to die as the Devil or Trish Walker is going to die as Hellcat. They have no illusions about that. But at least they'll leave the city and their loved ones in safe hands for the next threat that is always just around the corner.

Until then, they might as well try living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this works as an ending to this series (Over 250 000 words. What did I do?!). I had one more idea left that would have focused on Hope Murdock, I'm just not sure I'll ever find the time to write it. But it was a lot of fun playing with these characters. :) Thanks for reading!  
> @Anika_Ann: A very special thank you again, especially for sharing your thoughts with me in the comments and sticking with this to the very end! :D


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